Written by: Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Futility at work or a necessary evil?
So many of us, including myself, constantly strive for perfection, often to the point of burnout or exhaustion.
Are you one of us, or do you know someone who is?
I have often wondered why I had this trait, and I specifically use the word, ‘had’ for a reason, on which I will elaborate later.
My assumption was that it was conditioning from my past. Having a father who persistently pushed me to do better, be better, and try harder… instructing me never to settle until I had done my best and more, and to never be satisfied at the outcomes or results of my efforts.
When I saw and questioned others with similar character traits, their reason was similar, having been pushed to always excel, not just do. They, as did I, never felt like they achieved the level of proficiency they set out to achieve, in whatever aspect of their lives that was under their eagle-eyed scrutiny. A parent, guardian or mentor pushed them to achieve more, never to be satisfied unless they pushed themselves to the limit and beyond. Their best was simply never good enough.
Heaven forbid they heard someone used the adage: “Well, I am only human, after all”….
‘What a cop-out!’ us perfectionists always thought when we heard someone utter those words... I would always think: “That’s so lazy of you, keep trying harder, you can’t accept less of yourself than perfect”. I recall too, how many times I retorted to people when they asked why I pushed myself so hard, “ Because if you settle for less than perfect, you’re on a downward spiral to mediocrity and I don’t do mediocre”.
I always pushed to be the best, not because I was competitive, I didn’t care too much about what others did, as long as I came out tops. To not be the best meant I was not an achiever and the thought of not being the best at whatever I did was like me giving myself the biggest slap in the face.
I didn’t aim high for the recognition, rewards, or promotion, but for my own sense of self-worth. I used to think it was to make my dad proud of me or it would make him accept and love me. Later in life, I realised it made me feel good when I knew I had done my absolute utmost. He may have been the driving force when I was young and I suppose it became a way of life for me until such time as factors and events in my life caused me to review my viewpoint on perfectionism.
Two lessons learned
Fortunately, two lessons taught me a little about putting things in perspective about my drive for perfection.
The first was a few months after my young sons and I moved into our new home after my divorce. I bought a bigger than needed home because I didn’t want my boys to feel I couldn’t provide for them in the way they had been accustomed, and I was determined to prove to my ex I was a great mum and capable woman.
Every spare moment I was cleaning, reorganising space, cleaning, repacking cupboards, cleaning, making curtains, cleaning... You get the point. My OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) was getting the better of me. The obsession of providing a perfect home for them was getting to me and eventually to them. Fortunately, I noticed signs of them seeking my attention and realised, with a blow to my self-esteem, that I was not paying as much attention to them as they needed.
I realised that in trying to be the perfect mum I was actually quite the opposite. I was the perfect housekeeper but my children didn’t need that, they needed me more. I turned my focus to them and the results were ginormous. They became confident, happy kids.
The second lesson was a slightly harder one to learn.
My father retired and planned to move from inland to a coastal village where he could live out his dream of living at the seaside. He needed to sell our family home and, feeling that no one could do as good a job as he, he set about sanding and repainting the roof and house on his own.
Physically fit and slim, but over sixty years old, us girls asked him if he felt this was a wise decision. The house was quite large and this would be an intensive project for him to do on his own. He assured us he would be fine and set about the tasks energetically, planning t0 first tackle the outside, then the interior walls.
He completed the sanding, undercoat, first two layers of paint and was on the third, proud of his accomplishments, when I called in to check on his progress one evening. I asked him if he was feeling okay as his complexion was slightly ashen and he stated he was feeling a bit tired but that was because he was pushing hard to get the outside walls finished by the end of the week. After a brief chat, I set out for home.
The following morning I was aroused by a call from my sister to tell me I needed to meet her at dad’s house. I asked why and she advised she would tell me upon my arrival. Upon greeting her at my front door she shared the news my dad had passed on. The housekeeper found him dead in his room when she opened the house that morning. He had a massive heart attack. He would never get to live out his last days at the sea.
I pondered whether this was a lesson I needed to heed, about whether trying to do a perfect job was worth dying for?
My obsession with perfectionism waned a little after that.
Who determines the criteria for perfect?
I hear of so many people not reaching their potential in their lives despite working so hard. They never attain what they set out to achieve, simply because they feel whatever they are doing is not enough. Their book, document, presentation, speech, image, accent, is not yet good enough. I too experienced this early on in my business, but I have learnt how wrong it is.
It is incredibly sad that so many are missing out on so much because someone is scared to put themselves out there… to ignore their insecurities or perceived shortcomings and accept who they are, so they can get the information or message they need to share with the world, out there.
By doing so they are doing themselves and the world an injustice.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with doing your utmost and aiming high, but when it becomes detrimental to your wellbeing, your livelihood, making a positive impact on others, then our quest for perfection needs some serious attention.
Who sets the standards for what perfect is? Yes, when it comes to spelling, grammar, mathematical statistics or formulae, data or reporting, technical or journalistic facts, accuracy is critical and there are ‘rights’ and wrongs’.
When it comes to opinions, however, it is a different ball game. Whose image is perfect – in whose eyes? Which body type is perfect? Which outfit or type of clothing is perfect? What personality type is the perfect one? Whose voice, tone, pitch, is perfect? I could go on and on, but you get my point.
Don’t lose out
I urge and encourage you not to wait until you have the ‘perfect body, voice, or ‘look’, to go out there and live the life you are mean to live… one where you experience as much as you can, where you get to have fun going to the beach, swimming, working out, meeting up with friends, living a joyful and impactful life.
Live your life fully, without pretence, without inhibitions, (aside from conforming to societal norms), by allowing yourself to let others see the real, beautiful, giving, kind, and caring you.
If someone doesn’t like you for whatever reason, that is their opinion and theirs alone. One to which they are entitled, but do not hand them the power to stop you from living your life to the full. You are unique – live your unique life proudly and without reservation!
Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Merrill Isherwood is a life transformation coach who has spent much of her life being of service to others in the corporate world and her personal life. She has an exemplary work ethic and is driven by living a life of integrity, having honesty, kindness, trust, and respect as her core values. Her psychological counseling degree, supported by her accreditation in life coaching, allows her to ensure her clients are suitably supported in transforming their lives. She specializes in body image, lack of self-esteem, overcoming abusive or toxic relationships, finding life direction, forgiveness, and overcoming adversity. To her, a life well lived means making a difference in each person's life that you are fortunate enough to touch, even if only in the smallest way possible.
