Written by: Jacinta Gallant, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I am a divorce lawyer and habitual problem-solver. If you’re reading this article, you’re probably a good problem-solver, too! Perhaps you naturally fall into this role personally and professionally, with clients, friends and family seeming to appreciate your guidance, advocacy, and support. You’re a “fixer” and they like it!
Until they don’t.
We have all had moments when our efforts to guide, advocate or support seem to fuel resistance or build resentment. We say, “Hey. I’m just trying to help!” only to find that this leads to more resistance. What’s a fixer to do?
I’m Just Trying to Help!
Pause for a moment and consider how you respond when you meet resistance – use your professional life for context. Let’s say you offer helpful services to a client and you really believe this will help them have a better life. They resist and justify their resistance with, “That won’t work. I’ve already tried it. I thought you had something different to offer. Your website looked so promising!”
How do you respond?
Do you explain (again) how your services can help and provide more special details?
Do you offer reassurance? “I really believe this can help. I have a lot of experience working with this problem.”
Do you offer more information – some tips, a brochure or a book recommendation?
Sometimes this helps, but the tricky part is that usually it doesn’t – it leads to more resisting and defending behaviours – all of which are normal human reactions to a perception of threat. When we feel threatened we defend ourselves.
Why Reassurance Often Doesn’t Help
It’s like this: I resist your attempt to alleviate my sense of threat because your explaining and reassuring tell me you have no idea how serious this is to me – you just don’t understand (and you probably don’t even care)!
Think of a time you have felt really stressed and worried, and someone tried to re-explain, give you more information, problem-solve, or reassure you: “It’ll be all right”. Did it help – or leave you feeling more defensive? For most of us, the answer is “more defensive”. Now consider what would help you in that moment? Most of us will say, “I want you to listen and try to understand.” Some of us might want a quiet hug. Hardly anyone wants to be fixed or told. It’s not time for problem-solving!
When we are resisting or reacting defensively, we are not thinking clearly as our minds are preoccupied with a perceived threat. We are probably not conscious that we are reacting to a sense of threat and we usually won’t be able to articulate the threat – not in that moment. This is classic “fight or flight”.
The research on curiosity helps. It turns out that curiosity calms. It reduces stress and increases people’s sense of well-being. And the bonus is that curiosity has this positive benefit on the receiver and the giver of curiosity – so there’s something in it for everyone! If we can notice defending behaviours and stop trying to fix or tell, then we can harness the power of curiosity.
The next time you meet resistance from a client, harness the power of curiosity.
Notice the defensive behaviour that signals “resistance”.
Drop all assumptions about what might be behind the behaviour.
Put aside your agenda or plan for how the meeting should go.
Focus on the person in front of you.
Be curious.
State your intention to hear and understand.
Ask. “What is most upsetting about all of this?” or “What is feeling threatened right now?”
Listen to the response. Stay open. Don’t explain or inform. Don’t ask “How can I help?” (yet). The client who experiences your sincere curiosity will benefit from a sense of calm, relieving tension and opening- up.
And then it might be time to ask a problem-solving question like: How can I be most helpful? What more do you want me to know?
If you think you know what’s going on, you won’t ask. That’s the problem with problem-solving.
Being more curious can deepen your already excellent communication skills and make it easier for people to open up to you, and with you.
And check out my podcast, The Authentic Professional, to learn more about how to do more asking, and less telling!
Jacinta Gallant, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jacinta Gallant is a respected lawyer, mediator and educator, recognized internationally for her innovative approach to conflict resolution training. Jacinta’s resources for divorce professionals, Our Family in Two Homes, help clients prepare for effective dispute resolution. Her podcast, The Authentic Professional, focuses on how professionals can bring more of who they are to what they do and her latest book, Going Steady, helps engage couples in conversations that sustain and nourish their relationship. Grounded in her home on Prince Edward Island, Canada, and with a global vision, Jacinta Gallant is an innovator who inspires other professionals to be more authentic and effective in work and life.
