Written by: Kevin Zoeteman, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Quiet, calm, withdrawn, timid, shy, unsocial, and awkward. Most of these words have a negative connotation to them, or at last, are not considered positive. Unfortunately, most (if not all) of these are often associated with one word: introversion. These behavioral characteristics are often used to describe people who have a more introverted temperament.
A one-sided view
Since we’re all individuals, we all have our own view of the world. Even though that is the case, our view of the world is heavily influenced by what’s considered “the norm” or “proper” in the societies we live in. When it comes to behavior, most people would agree that being polite, honest, and helpful are admirable ways of behaving, or at least appreciate. What’s also often appreciated or even admired is being social, outspoken, active, bold, and energetic, which is exactly where things can get a bit tricky because we all have our own definitions of those terms. The answer you’ll get when asking whether someone is social depends on that person’s definition of social. With that definition comes the fact that many of these behaviors vary in the degree to which they are displayed instead of being purely black and white. And that’s where people who are more introverted or extroverted often see things differently.
Around 50-50
Our societies have become divided into two groups without most people being aware of it. Whether aware of it or not, our preferred way of behaving all but determines which group we belong to. The groups I’m talking about are the people who are more extroverted and the people who are more introverted. Even though the degree to which you are more introverted or extroverted varies greatly from person to person, research has shown that roughly half the people on the planet are more introverted than extroverted. So, when we are talking about introverts, we are not talking about a small group of people.
Society’s hidden preference
With there being a strong preference towards extroverted behavior in many societies, the behavior of introverts is often questioned and even more often misunderstood. Sadly enough, in addition to extroverts wondering about the behavior of introverts, the strong preference towards extroverted behavior has left many introverts questioning their own preferences and behavior as well. As a result, many introverts feel the need to compromise on who they are to feel accepted by society at large, their community, and often even their friends and family.
Misunderstanding
This preference towards more extroverted behavior does not come without consequences. Consequences that have an impact on our lives, both those of introverts and extroverts and in our private and professional lives.
We see people who are more reserved, quiet, leave the party early, don’t join the party at all, don’t think on their feet, or like to spend hours or even days on their own and often one of the first thoughts that comes to mind is “are they okay?”
The idea that feeling at ease that way and being perfectly content with that type of behavior is often very difficult for extroverts to understand. How can someone be okay being on their own for two full days? Or when someone leaves the party after one hour she must be feeling down. It’s a great party after all.
That’s where the one-sided view plays an important role. Just because one person likes to be around people all the time and enjoys having their weekend fully booked doesn’t mean there is something wrong with people who don’t enjoy that. Often the real enjoying part for introverts comes when they have left the party and sit quietly at home reading a book or just knowing they have a full weekend to themselves without having to be around people can be something to look forward to.
The price you pay
It’s all about having different preferences, but those preferences are often misinterpreted, both in private and at work and that’s where people and companies pay the price. Because of the general lack of understanding around introverted behavior, a more introverted employee is often seen as shy, withdrawn, contributing less, and not that social in the team. As a result, that person is often not considered for a raise or a promotion, which is often a missed opportunity both for the employee and the employer. Just because someone diligently works at their task in a focused way and doesn’t like bragging about what they have achieved, doesn’t mean that person is shy or less capable. It is that the image of being loud, always out there, showing off all your achievements, and being vocally and visibly present has become associated to what’s “good” and successful. Anything that deviates from that behavior is automatically seen as less or something that needs to be changed or fixed.
The attitude and belief that the more quiet and reserved people in the workplace are somehow shy and less competent is outdated and is causing companies to miss out on some incredible potential within their organizations. If leadership or middle management would be willing to change their view on this there is much to be gained.
The same goes for our private lives. We want our children, family, and friends to be outspoken, bold, and social. But by our own definitions of course. If we like to have our weekends fully booked with social events, we expect our children, for example, to do the same. If they don’t, they are not socializing well, and something needs to change. It’s easy to forget that there are children for whom the quiet weekend at home is bliss and a chance to recover from all the socializing they have been doing at school all week. Such a child needs that time or calm and quiet to recover so they can go at it again next week and interact.
By trying to change our employees, children, friends, and family we are essentially telling them that their preferred behavior is not okay and that they need to compromise on who they are to be accepted and be part of the society they live in. Many introverts feel pressured to conform to these expectations and behave in a way that’s not in tune with who they are which often leads to them becoming shy, insecure, and feeling massively out of place.
An alternative approach
A much more efficient way, and one that benefits everyone involved to a far greater extent than you might think, is to increase the general awareness of introversion and for people to understand (at least at a basic level) what introversion really is. Using that as a starting point, the differences in how managers see their more introverted team members, how parents see their more introverted children, how teachers see their introverted students, and how we all see our more introverted friends and family members, can have an impact on both individuals and societies at large.
Maybe most important, it can change the way introverts see themselves. When we stop trying to change people to behave more extroverted, and simply let them be themselves, that’s like finally giving a flower the chance to bloom. It’s wonderful to see how people light up when they are allowed to be themselves and are not criticized for it.
Benefits at work
The potential for companies to tap into when they allow their more introverted employees to work in a way that’s most efficient for them, instead of forcing working methods onto them that are perfectly tailored to extroverts, can be huge. The increase in input and output can be staggering when an introvert feels comfortable at work and is allowed to contribute in a way that works best for them. You’d be surprised how small changes can make life at work a lot easier and more comfortable for introverts while at the same time it doesn’t change much for extroverts.
Benefits at school
Teachers will see their students blossom and perform better when not forced to behave like their more extroverted classmates and are instead seen as “okay” the way they are. Just different but no less okay. They will be more social in their own way, they will enjoy class more when they are allowed to be themselves, and they will come alive in a way you can never achieve by forcing them to be different from who they are.
Benefits in our private life
And as for our friends, family, and children. When we accept that they like things that might be different from us, when we accept that they behave differently from us, and when we accept that those different preferences make them happy and can make them flourish, we might think twice about trying to change the way they are and we might finally realize that all the excuses we use that if they don’t change, they will never fit in and be part of society, is not helping them and often stem from our own fears and insecurities.
Food for thought
We are all different, it’s what makes us all unique. Yet half of the people on the planet are more on the introverted side of the spectrum. When we stop viewing extroverted behavior as “better” or as something to strive towards, and when we start to view introverted behavior as having its own merits, we create families, schools, and workplaces that are a lot more inclusive, and we finally allow the more introverted half of the people on the planet to flourish and thrive as well. To the benefit of everyone.
I’ll end with three questions for you to ponder, questions that can literally change people’s lives.
Are you aware that your employee, student, child, family member, or friend might be more introverted?
How well do you understand what drives their preferred behavior?
How do you think your personal or professional relationship can improve, and what the results might be at work, in school, or at home?
See what answers come up when you go over these questions and, more importantly, what will you do with it?
Kevin Zoeteman, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Kevin Zoeteman is a certified life coach, a thought leader, and experience expert on introversion. He is the founder of Inthrivert which is centred around making all introverts live a thriving life and see their introversion as a strength and asset instead of a liability. Through the Inthrivert podcast he shares valuable insights around introversion and interviews guests who share their story aimed at inspiring fellow introverts. His latest addition, the Inthrivert Community is where he provides a place for introverts to come together to connect, share, learn, grow, and develop themselves, all to help introverts reach their goals and dreams.
