Written by: Sarah Needham, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Difficult conversations are courageous because they delve into the values, beliefs, culture, and emotions that inform our perspectives. It is a vulnerable space because we share a lot about who we are and how we think. These are not things that are often brought up in everyday conversation, especially not at work.
So let's call them what they are Courageous Conversations!
I bet that everyone at some point in their lives has shied away from a conversation that they wanted to have or agreed with something they did not agree with.
Why? We do this as we do not want to engage openly, perhaps because it feels uncomfortable, or we do not know how to have the conversation constructively, or just because we do not trust the other person.
The other reason these conversations are challenging is that we need to try and put words around things that we often do not learn to speak about openly as children.
It is not black and white, so it can get messy!
Unfortunately, to feel content in life, we need to be honest with ourselves and honor the things which are important to us. Therefore, it follows that we need to find a way to communicate openly about these things to feel content and to be honest with the people we have relationships with.
To make courageous conversations possible, we must step away from thinking we are right and into being curious and knowing there is always something we do not know.
We cannot step into a courageous conversation to prove we are right, blaming the other person or judging the other person as being wrong.
If this is the intention, then others will sense this and close up. We must be curious to discover something or co-create something better than we could on our own.
This is exactly why this is so important in teams, in organizations, and in co-creating win-win global solutions for the planet as well as all our relationships.
I believe we cannot create innovative solutions to develop a better future for life on earth unless we can learn how to step in to courageous conversations around what matters most.
The things which matter most to each of us are those topics we are emotionally invested in. Ignoring the emotion means you cannot fully understand the topic, so it restricts the possibility of creating a workable solution.
EMOTION = Energy in Motion!
This means that to understand what someone is saying, it is important to express the associated emotion. When space is made for an emotion to be ‘seen,’ then the energy shifts, and this opens the next layer of understanding and opportunities.
So, counter to many company cultures today, emotion is good! It means your employees care, and it is the key to innovation!
Organizations that support their teams and create the culture for courageous conversations will thrive in the coming years.
Those organizations who don't, those who play it safe, or where people are not willing to share their emotions (or be vulnerable) will struggle to be creative. No matter what is written on the walls; behaviors and actions count!
In reality, it does not matter if this is at work or home; it is a skill to be able to create space and sit with a conversation that is not straightforward.
If this is hard, I feel you! This was me too!
I used to feel uncomfortable quite often, but only occasionally did I voice what I was feeling. I did not know how to create the space for deepening the conversation, and I did not understand the power which can be unlocked by delving into what lies beneath the surface of the conversation and emotion.
News Flash: If we feel uncomfortable, it means that one of our key values (what is important to us) is not being honored either by us or someone else.
By stepping into a courageous conversation, we are investing in the relationship with someone. People also shy away from these discussions because they are scared of it ending in conflict or upsetting someone they have a relationship with.
By naming what we see openly and without judgment, we open a new level of conversation and change the energy in the room. By ignoring it, we are accepting behaviors or conversations which are not aligned with our values.
Don't worry. Although it is helpful to be able to put clear words around why you feel uncomfortable, you do not need to do this to 'name it'.
So how do you ‘Name it’?
Own it. 'I am feeling uncomfortable with how this conversation is progressing because I do not feel that we are honoring (insert value).'
Ask what others are feeling. 'is anyone else feeling uncomfortable?'
Explore 'what are you feeling right now? What do you think we are missing? What is not being said? What would you need to feel more comfortable?'
Go back to the intention 'can we just check back in with what the intention for this conversation was and ensure we are on track or whether we want to adjust the focus?'
Bravely listening to our intuition and using it to create space for a courageous conversation is one of those things we do not get taught in school.
Yet, in fact, it is a life skill because our deepest desire as human beings is to understand and to be understood!
So many of us think we are saving ourselves hassle by just going along with what others think. This is bottling things up, which can in the long-term lead to resentment in the relationship or additional stress for yourself as your discomfort multiplies.
To build trusting relationships, we must invest in having courageous conversations both at work and at home.
This will feel uncomfortable at times, and it’s like training any muscle; the more you try it and find the way which works for yourself and others, the easier it becomes. I can share this from my experience.
I went from avoiding difficult conversations to now facilitating courageous conversations daily with my clients and their teams. I see the unlimited opportunity that creating the space for courageous conversations brings. It can unlock the potential of a team and take it from surviving to thriving!
So go on, give it a go! What can you unlock?
Here is one structure to engage in courageous conversations constructively and minimize the likelihood of ending up in conflict.
The framework can be used in either a work or a personal conversation with one other person or a group of other people.
Intention: Let the other person know your intention. Own it. Name it.
“My intention is to share with you how I am feeling about the conversation we had yesterday and see if we can find a solution we are both accepting. “
Alliance: Agree on some boundary conditions for the conversation. In coaching, we call this 'designing the alliance', and it does not need to take very long. It does, however, save an awful lot of unnecessary conversations later on. It helps everyone get on the same page.
“I would like to have an honest conversation with you, and it is important we treat each other and the other people in question with respect. Is that ok for you? I am curious about hearing your perspective. What is important for you about this conversation?”
Share: Explain your position and what you are feeling about it, and your needs.
“I felt uncomfortable with the conversation we had yesterday because…. It is important to me that….(add your personal values).”
Listen: Ask the other person what they are thinking and feeling about the issue and what you have just shared.
“What is your perspective? What is important to you?“
Explore: Try to help them discover their needs through open questioning and replaying what they have shared back in your own words to ensure you are both (or all if more parties involved) on the same page.
“Can I just be sure I have understood you? What I have heard is…. What do you need from me (and the team) to help with this?”
Close with an agreement, agree to disagree, take some actions to delve deeper; all are valid outcomes.
Further reading on this topic can be found:
'Non-violent communication' – Marshall Rosenberg
'Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most' – Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen.
Sarah Needham, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sarah Needham is a coach with an extraordinary vision: “To create a world where everyone feels they can stand up and engage in discussion about what matters most”. She wants us all to take off our invisibility cloaks, and share courageously what we think and feel.
Sarah believes that we are all unique for a reason, and we should challenge ourselves to step proudly into our uniqueness, our own superpower!
As a coach, she challenges herself to inspire people by holding regular sessions on this topic. Sarah’s work brings together her three core values: technology, sustainability, and challenging others to embrace their uniqueness. She helps tech founders and leaders unleash their impact in creating a more sustainable life on earth whilst prioritizing their own self-care, and in doing so, creating a more sustainable business.
