Written by: Karin Brauner, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Social media has opened up a new realm of conversations. Some pleasant, some horrifying.
As an admin of a Facebook group and a member of others, I can tell you it’s not easy monitoring conversations to keep them respectful and civilized.
I often wonder about my counselor colleagues that comment in such a way that it makes me think a few things:
1. Do you judge your clients in the same way as you judge your colleagues?
2. Have you done your own therapy work (which I think should be mandatory for counselors – you can’t handle other people’s stuff or help them handle it themselves, unless and until you’ve worked on yourself)
3. If you were standing in front of the person you’re blatantly attacking, would you say it to them in the same way you’re saying it on social media?
The answer to point 3 is probably a big, resounding NO!
Of course, you wouldn’t, it would mean direct confrontation. It would mean your real name is known and it would end up in a bigger argument that probably didn’t need to happen in the first place.
I’m talking about counselor groups because that’s where I hang out the most, but I’m sure this also happens in other groups – I’ve seen it in music artists’ groups where the conversation can gear towards “you’re not a real fan because….” Kind of conversations.
It gets really weird in social media. Sometimes it’s good to take a time-out.
The online disinhibition effect is something that happens for various reasons:
1. We can anonymize our posts or use a pseudonym, which makes it easier to speak our mind freely and become a bully or just simply call someone a name because their opinion is different from yours.
2. We’re hidden behind a screen. The distance between us and the person we’re talking to is enough to allow us to say what we think without censoring or considering how what we’re saying will affect others.
3. Projective identification and disinhibition go hand in hand: if we don’t like something about ourselves or someone else in our lives, we will project that “negative” trait into the person we’re about to challenge. It might have nothing at all to do with the person on the other side of our screen, but we’re putting it on them because it feels safe.
4. It feels safe: we can simply block the person, turn off our device, or leave a group if we feel threatened or challenged by our comments, whether polite or abusive. Usually, the people that perpetuate the negative or abusive comments are the ones that end up leaving, not understanding that it’s their behavior that caused the problem in the first place.
I know this all sounds very doomy gloomy, but social media can be a great place to have wonderful conversations and create powerful connections. Here are a few tips on how to achieve this:
Ask questions. Be curious about why people think differently to you, and have a healthy debate where you both express your opinions and come away feeling heard.
Don’t make assumptions. When we make assumptions, we are usually making the mistake of projecting what we think the other person is thinking, and getting angry with our own assumption and not what they said. Clarifying this is the best way to listen and be listened to.
Avoid heated conversations. If you see that a conversation is getting heated, you might want to try to quench the fire by helping out. Sometimes this helps dissipate the issue, but most of the time, the person causing the problem will turn on you as well, and things will just escalate.
Speak to the admin of the group. They usually are aware of things going on and are doing their best to keep the group civil and conversations meaningful. Trust me, I know. I have a great team of admins in one of the groups I run, and we verify everything with each other before acting on it. It sometimes backfires because of the point above this one but…
we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s ok.
There is more to be said about the disinhibition effect. This article is just pointing out one aspect, which is that people feel more free to speak their mind, no matter the consequences.
Sometimes this can be useful, for example, someone that finds it hard to socialize or talk about their feelings might feel safer having instant messaging therapy than sitting opposite a counselor in a room, or even using video or audio might be too much.
There’s a lot to say about social media, luckily most is positive, but we do have moments where we just want to scream and shut it all down.
Pick your battles, and choose your words wisely. Words matter and they affect people both positively and negatively.
Karin Brauner, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Karin Brauner is passionate about helping people get on track – or back on track – in their personal and professional lives through practical tools and inspirational conversations in a variety of settings.
Karin teaches tools that she’s learned and developed throughout her own life and career. She knows how hard things can get, but also how great things can be once you move through to the other side.
She now shares the knowledge she’s gained, through various mediums, to show people a path to better self-care, support when processing their past, and working out their present so they can lead an improved life and thrive in their personal and professional relationships.
