Written by: Katie Pancione, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I walked into my bathroom around 4 am during yet another sleepless night and noticed something. On my half of the bathroom, every drawer and cabinet was wide open, and it looked sloppy. Then it hit me; I was feeling my depression. It was one of the alarm bells I completely forgot about until that very moment.
Anyone who struggles with depression knows that you aren't always living in your lowest lows. There are days, months, even years where you don't feel the daily pull of exhaustion, worthlessness, hopelessness, and overall sadness that is known as depression. It ebbs and flows, like most of our emotions. As it creeps back into the forefront of our day-to-day, it is slow and sneaky. Not many people who suffer from major depressive disorder wake up from feeling their best self and are suddenly their worst self. You wake up, tired from not sleeping, unable to get out of bed, and realize, how long have you been feeling like this? How did I get to this point? You can start to look back and piece together moments where the alarm bells should have been going off. You never noticed that your depression was rising back to the surface, but now you are stuck.
During quarantine, my depression came back. As someone who has had many depressive episodes since childhood, I was prepared for it. The world was in disarray, and I couldn't even go to the grocery store. And yet, I still never saw it coming. I was sitting in my home with little to do and no motivation to figure out what I could do. I then saw it; my house was a mess. I pride myself on my organizational skills, and my house reflects that. As Ben Franklin said, "a place for everything and everything in its place." I looked around, and I couldn't see my kitchen table buried under many items piled on top. There were dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, and old mail waiting to be thrown away. My bedroom had laundry waiting to be done, laying in a pile next to a pile of clean clothes that needed to be folded.
I was shocked. My organized self allowed my house to become a pigsty in what felt like overnight. I knew deep down this was not something that happened in a day. My depression took over my motivation to clean, and my house reflected that. I didn't realize I had already fallen into the depression I was cautiously awaiting. It was here, and I was miserable. Thankfully I was able to get the help I desperately needed. My house was clean again, and I was working, eating better, and sleeping through the night.
I now know that if things get messy, my alarm bells need to go off. Seeing my bathroom was my unconscious cry for help. It's one of the first signs that my depression is taking over again. I haven't noticed that my sleep has been off, but it has been for a few days now. I haven't been feeling unmotivated, but the first thing to go is my need to stay organized. The fact I couldn't even be bothered to close a drawer is my alarm bell. I know I need to take steps to prevent my depression from hitting rock bottom.
Chances are, either you or someone you know struggles with depression. It is the number 1 disability worldwide. Find the alarm bells. The not-so-typical thing that may occur when depression starts. Is it leaving doors open? Is it not showering? Are you calling in sick more than two days in a row? Is it not answering text messages? There are many alarms bells out there, and finding the not-so-secret one will help you catch yourself before you or your loved one has fallen too far.
Follow me on Instagram, and visit my website for more info!
Katie Pancione, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Katie Pancione spent well over a decade in corporate America before concluding that she wanted something more personally meaningful in life, helping others. While still working her high-powered executive position, she took her undergraduate degree in psychology and continued her education by receiving a Master of Arts in Counseling. At this point she departed her corporate career and started her own counseling practice, NOVA Mental Health Counseling. Katie focuses on helping others via tele-health work through grief, loss, anxiety, and the many overwhelming life transitions that many individuals face across their life span.
