Written by: Irina Costea, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
At the beginning of every year, people set intentions, design goals and dreams, make vision boards and get all excited about what the new blank page on their life will bring to them.
But studies show that by the middle of February, more than 75% of people fall back into old patterns and abandon their New Year’s resolutions.
Why is this thing keep happening and why do people do the same thing on and on every year?
My guess is that first, the goals are not their own.
When we arrive on this world, we do it like a blank page. Little by little, beliefs are starting to be written all over our minds, and we do not have the cognitive capacity to filter them. This is why by the moment we reach adulthood, we already have our mind filled with other people’s goals: get to the top university, have a great job, get married, have 2-3 kids, buy a house. This is the most classic “recipe” for happiness. But how come so many of us have these things and we are not happy? Something is missing.
It’s the “why”. In order to have the intrinsic motivation to follow through your goals, you need to know the “why” behind the goal.
If a certain amount of money is your goal, but you don’t know the real “why” behind the goal, you will most probably feel close to nothing when you will reach that amount.
What will that amount bring you? Status? Power? Experiences? What kind of experiences? What kind of person will these experiences transform you into? What does status mean to you? Why do you need power? When was that you felt powerless?
These are questions that you have to ask yourself in order to discover what is that you really need from a goal, what do you expect to happen after you reach your goal.
Another reason why people don’t follow through their goals, is the fact that they set up unrealistic goals and too many of them. The motivation is high at the beginning, but is not sustainable in the days that they are feeling low. So when the motivation goes down, out through the window go the goals.
When you set too many goals, you clearly need a very good system of working through them. And the most efficient system is habit building.
What are habits?
Habits are our brain’s way to be more efficient. They put us in autopilot so that our brain is not overwhelmed by every small action and they free us space to focus our attention of what we choose.
They do not start as an automatic behavior, but end up that way after repetition of a learned behavior.
In order to hack habit building, we need to understand what really happens in our brain when habits are formed.
The first thing we need to know is that reward (release of dopamine) is essential in habit formation, and second is that habits are triggered by a cue.
A cue will trigger a routine behavior -> that routine behavior will give us a reward -> that will give us the enough motivation to repeat that habit. Once the habit is anchored, the triggering cue is enough to drive behavior – good or bad.
For example, when I wanted to practice yoga every day, I started by putting the yoga clothes next to my bed. Every morning when I got out of bed, I saw the clothes, I got dressed, and went directly to my yoga mat (seeing the clothes near the bed was my cue, which triggered the action of getting dressed and go to the yoga mat).
After practicing yoga for 10-15 minutes (I didn’t set high standards, such as 45 minutes of yoga everyday), I was very proud of myself that I manage to practice again, that my body felt great (this was my reward, dopamine release). This reward was strong enough that it motivated me to reinforce this behavior again and again.
After one month and a half, I was doing it automatically.
But how hard it is to change bad habits?
The answer is short and simple: very hard.
Why? Because motivation is not enough to drive habit change, and focusing on not repeating the bad habit is ineffective.
The only way is to create new habits that will progressively substitute the bad ones.
How do you rewire your brain on a new habit?
You identify the cur triggering the bad habit
Consciously attach a new behavior to the cue
Reward your behavior
Repeat the new behavior until it masks the old one
(source: NeuroMindfulness Institute®)
How did I gave up munching snacks after I put the child to sleep and sat on the sofa to watch a movie or to read a book?
I realized that I saw this behavior as a reward for surviving another day with an angry toddler, and that my cue came after I sat down on the sofa and turning on the TV.
So the first thing I did, was to get rid of all snacks in the house (if you don’t have them, you can’t eat them). Then I stuffed my fridge with vegetables, especially carrots.
So whenever I sat down in front of the TV to munch something (cue), I got my carrots (new behavior), cut them, sprinkled them with a lot of lemon and salt, and ate them.
I was satisfied that I ate something I liked and that I didn’t eat unhealthy snacks anymore. (reward, dopamine release).
I also did something else. I did not set up my expectations too high. So the first two weeks, I wanted to cut the snacking from 7 days/week to 3 days/week. In this way, I let myself space to fall back into old patterns, but to also have progress (as in the yoga example, only 10 minutes per day – small progress is still progress).
And after a period of time of doing these things, something happened: I started to identify myself as a person that practices yoga everyday and eating healthy (because I did not have a problem during the day – breakfast or lunch – my problem was during the evening).
And this gave me the enough motivation to keep doing these actions until they become habits, because I liked this new identity.
So the secret is first and the most important, becoming aware of this process. What is the trigger, what is the action and what is the reward?
Second, start small! Don’t set up a lot of huge and difficult goals. Yes, dream big, but understand that your brain does not like to become overwhelmed, and IT WILL shut you down if you force it too much.
The brain likes the familiar, and when exposed too much at unsual things/behaviors, it does not feel safe and it will walk you out of whatever is that you are trying to force, even if you know that it’s a good habit. The brain does not care, unfamiliar is still dangerous.
Third, act as the person who already has that wanted habit implemented. In his book “Atomic habits”, James Clear has a very good example: Two people are trying to quit smoking. When offered a cigar one says “no thanks, I’m trying to quit smoking”, and the other says “no, thanks, I’m not a smoker”.
As you can see, there is a difference of mindset here. One is trying to quit, therefore still attached to the old habit of smoking, and the other is a person who does not identify themselves with the habit of smoking. Which one do you think it has the most chances to succeed?
So for 2022, I challenge you to find the “why” behind your goals, to identify what habits you need to implement in order to reach your goals, and start small with habit building.
And the most important thing, give yourself space to fall back sometimes. You are only human, you are not a robot, and most definitely you are not perfect. I know you think you want to, but perfect people and behaviors are an illusion.
Give yourself the gift of living a conscious life and a real one. Happy New Year!
Irina Costea, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Irina Costea is a Transformational & NeuroMindfulness Coach® and a former HR Professional. After a severe postpartum depression scattered with suicidal thoughts, Irina discovered Positive Psychology and the power of coaching. Once enrolled in the coaching school, she soon realized that her personal mission is to help other people unlock their true potential through practices of neuroscience and mindfulness. She believes that only by mapping and following your fears and blockages you can live authentically. Because only when you use them as your stepping stones you can connect to yourself again.
Costea has been trained as a Coach at CoachVille, one of the first coaching schools in the world, and as a NeuroMindfulness® Practitioner at the NeuroMindfulness® Institute. She also worked as a Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist for one of the biggest travel platforms in the world.
