Written by Ali Williams, Therapist
Ali Williams is the 'uncomplicated' therapist specialising in healing trauma codes in the brain and body. After losing her mother at the age of 16 to breast cancer, and receiving two cancer diagnoses herself, Ali chose wisdom, not war.
Being a mum is a wonderful gift. Holding your babe in your arms as they smile and goo ga back at you creates a feeling of love unlike anything else experienced in life. If you’re lucky enough to birth healthy babies that sleep and feed well, adjusting to motherhood will feel like a blessing. It’s even better if you don’t have to rush back to work.
On the other hand, if you’ve experienced challenges while raising your children and returned to your job, life is stressful. Lack of sleep, regular trips to the doctor, financial pressures, time off work, and canceled outings can leave little room to immerse in the joy of parenting. It is a relief to get to bed each evening after juggling the demands of life.
As your children grow they get busier and as a working mum, your coping strategy is to find ways to fit it all in.
There’s another load of washing to throw on, lunches to prepare, reports to complete, and toys to put away. You must coordinate how everyone will get to their various sporting and music commitments, and ensure they complete their homework. Every weekend it seems there’s another birthday party, meaning you need to organize a gift and help your child write the card themselves so it’s more meaningful.
Work-life balance is like a barefoot skip across a prickly field. You think you know the best way through and end up getting to the other side, but your feet are cut to shreds making it hard to step forward. Some days are just hard.
There’s no time off, you must be everything to everyone, you must be strong, you must never get tired, and you must never frown.
The reality is, that you’re overwhelmed, feel fatigued, rush around all day, get snappy, and you may feel resentful. You also don’t like asking for help and rarely allow yourself to be openly vulnerable. You also don’t make time for yourself. “What even is that?” I hear you say.
This all leads to the worldwide epidemic known as mum guilt
Examples of mum guilt
Feeling that you’re letting your family down.
Feel like you’re doing something wrong.
Avoiding solo social outings.
Avoid asking for help.
Send sick children to school to avoid time off work.
Strong feelings of dread.
Find it difficult to say no.
Increasing anxiety.
Lack of self-care.
Negative self-talk.
Experiencing mum guilt can also lead to feeling shame. Guilt means feeling bad about an action or behavior. Shame is believing you’re a bad person.
Internalizing these intense feelings can lead to a lack of self-confidence and increasing self-criticism and doubt. It can also create difficulties in relationships with partners through withdrawal and resentment.
One could be forgiven for interpreting such challenging emotions as general dissatisfaction about life. So how do we turn it around?
5 ways to ditch the dread of mum guilt for good
Forgive yourself
No one is a harsher critic than you. You are always doing the best you can. Self-forgiveness is the most impactful way to free yourself of doubt. Write a letter describing everything you feel guilty about, then write about everything you do well. Bring to light the negative self-talk you have been contemplating. Handwriting connects to the area of the brain that processes emotions and helps to release them.
Let go of martyrdom
Continually sacrificing your wellbeing for the sake of others is depleting you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Martyrdom can result in burnout, create resentment, and negatively impact close relationships. Learn to say no and set boundaries. Be ok with disappointing others, you are not obligated to their demands.
Ask for help
Be honest with yourself, and others. Communicate your needs. Draw on your support network and ask for help. Explain to your family how you are feeling. In doing so you demonstrate to your children how important it is to seek support to ensure you prioritize your wellbeing. If your children are old enough, allocate responsibilities for them to contribute to the household chores.
Decode your patterns
Seek to understand how and why you created your mum guilt. It goes beyond being a parent and started when you were a child. What were your family circumstances when you grew up? Look at the past and connect the dots to the present to ensure you create change for the future. Work with a therapist to help you learn about yourself on this deeper level.
Create non-negotiable time out
To invite more joy into your life, it is essential to incorporate practices that help you connect with peace. Allow your brain to respond to rewards and your nervous system to reset from stress. Meditate, sit out in nature, and turn off the tv. Early morning is best to start with activities of 5-10 minutes that allow you to disconnect from chaos and embrace calm. Get this free guide to learn how to create more time for yourself guilt-free.
As mothers, we place extraordinary pressure upon ourselves for what it means to be a ‘good mum’. In reality, what our children truly need is to be seen, heard, nurtured, and supported.
Children need to learn from their mothers how to regulate their emotions and that they will feel safe when communicating their feelings. To take responsibility for their actions without creating shame, and to embrace self-compassion in vulnerable moments to seek support.
We hold our children close for a short time before they grow up and become adults to navigate the world independently. They too will likely become parents, and we must empower them to change the cycle of guilt.
Take steps today to live a guilt-free life. Download the free guide. Start simple to avoid overwhelm to ensure you stick to new helpful habits. Be patient.
To ditch mum guilt for good and achieve a fulfilling work-life balance, small, consistent adjustments can make all the difference. If you're ready to take the next step in your journey to balance and happiness, please reach out to schedule a conversation. After one session, you will implement change.
Read more from Ali Williams
Ali Williams, Therapist
Ali Williams is the 'uncomplicated' therapist specialising in healing trauma codes in the brain and body. After losing her mother at the age of 16 to breast cancer, and receiving two cancer diagnoses herself, Ali chose wisdom, not war. After studying formally to become a qualified therapist, Ali has developed programs and strategies to help women focus on healing their own lives. Her first published book reflects the theme of taking responsibility for happiness. Ali believes everyone has the opportunity to claim their birth right to be happy regardless of circumstances.
