Written by: Anna Glambotskaya, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever wondered why you repeat the same dysfunctional relationship pattern over and over again?
Maybe you keep attracting the same type of avoidant, unavailable, or emotionally volatile partners. Or you end up in one co-dependent relationship dynamic after another. Or you get stuck in relationships that lack fulfilling connection and intimacy. The good news is you can forever transform your pattern if you take ownership of how you are participating to co-create the unhealthy dynamic. Are you ready to learn one of the most common mistakes people make that keep them stuck in the same dysfunctional relationship pattern? Here it is!
Holding the belief that the problem is out there
When issues arise in a relationship, our default thinking is that the problem is out there. Many people tend to blame their partner for the unhealthy relationship dynamic and try to change their behavior. Others endure and believe that they don’t deserve any better. Yet others complain that there are no aligned men or women out there to start a relationship with. We forget that our own beliefs, traumas, and unresolved wounds from the past play a huge role in co-creating the relationship dynamic we end up in, as well as who we attract into our lives.
Below are the most common scenarios that keep us stuck in the same pattern – Dysfunctional relationship
1. We repeat what feels familiar and what wounded us
With our romantic partners, we tend to recreate our early experience of love and often choose the ones who treat us the way our parents did.
If you felt neglected, abandoned, rejected, invaded, or unloved as a child, you will tend to recreate the same experiences in your adult relationships as an unconscious effort to bring awareness, heal past wounds, and regain original wholeness.
2. We project our past hurts and unresolved emotions onto another and get stuck in our patterns of defensiveness
Most of the time when we feel triggered in relationships, we are not responding to the present moment situation. We get flooded with the emotions and perceptions of the past situation as if it’s happening now. We go into our pattern of defensiveness and react in a habitual way.
Maybe you leave the room and shut the door. Or you blame your partner thinking it’s all their fault. Or you get righteous.
In those moments we believe that our reactions are completely justified. But every time we react in a habitual way projecting our old pains onto another, we create more karma.
3. We believe we are inherently bad & don’t deserve to be loved
If in childhood we were made to believe (or perceived) that we are to blame for family issues or upsetting events that happened, we internalize the blame, guilt, and our self-esteem is eroded.
As a result, we end up sabotaging healthy love as we don’t believe we deserve to be loved.
We fall for someone who disrespects or neglects us, while someone who cares for us, we find unattractive.
The bottom line is – What we don’t repair we repeat
The good news is you have all the power to shift it!
One of the most powerful ways to do so is by taking responsibility for the situations that trigger you.
Meet the situations that trigger you in a conscious and powerful way
Every time you get triggered by what your partner (or anyone) says or does, it illuminates your own blind spots, core wounds, fears, and insecurities.
The trigger is a psychological and emotional button that gets pressed and reveals the same pattern of thoughts and feelings, often hidden from your conscious awareness.
For example, if your partner has forgotten to take out the trash it might trigger your wound of feeling neglected and you might over-emotionally react to this situation bringing all the history of when you felt neglected in the past. The external stimulus is not an issue but it presses the button that evokes something deeper. The trash is not an issue but it illuminates a deeper wound of feeling neglected and unworthy.
Steps that will allow you to resolve the situations that trigger you and break free from your habitual pattern
Every time you get triggered by what another says or does, the very first thing to do is to get back into the present moment. We forget that we are in charge of the experience in the body. Notice the stories your mind creates ‘’they shouldn’t have done that’’. Bring your awareness to the body. Take a few deep breaths into your belly. Tap your thighs and other parts of the body. Feel the space around you.
Become Curious. What does this situation remind you of? It can be challenging as it seems we have all the reasons to react. But the intensity of the emotional charge you feel is an indication that the content from the past is triggered.
Take it to the body. Bring your awareness to the body and ask yourself: ‘’Where in the body do I experience the charge or uncomfortable sensation?’’ rather than ‘’Why is it happening to me?’’. The sensation you feel might be tightness, tension, vibration, pain, heat, or cold sensation. Squeeze the area where you feel the sensation to let your body know ‘’I hear you’’. Observe and feel the sensation fully without the need for it to go away. Take a few deep breaths through the part of the body where you feel the sensation.
Clean up the situation. When the intensity of the emotional charge calms down, clean up the situation, misunderstanding, or conflict with your partner using the principles of conscious communication.
You can find 2 other common mistakes that keep you repeating the same relationship dynamic here.
Relationships foster our personal growth and transformation.
Especially, our primary intimate relationships where our childhood wounds, unresolved pains, and habits of closure play out to the fullest.
Unfortunately, we have not been taught how to navigate our relationships at school. We have not been taught how to face and heal our early age ruptures, regulate our nervous system when we feel triggered, communicate effectively with another, or increase the flow of love through our bodies at any given moment.
On the opposite, many of us learned unhealthy relational skills from our parents, primary caregivers, or elsewhere.
The good news is we can learn new relational skills and master the art of loving in order to create a deeply fulfilling connection and intimacy in our relationships.
Are you ready to dive deeper?
Are you willing to master the art of loving, unleash the lover you were born to be and create a relationship you deeply long for?
Then I invite you to check out The Art of Loving program here.
Anna Glambotskaya, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Anna is a Somatic Transformation and Intimacy coach and teacher. She specializes in energetics mastery, somatic-based healing, relationship psychology, intimacy, and polarity. Her work is devoted to helping people get free from their survival patterns and return back home to authentic, vibrant, loving versions of themselves. She is highly intuitive and can sense what layers in someone's mind-body-soul are blocking the creation of the desired reality in the most important areas of their lives and how to shift it.
