Written by: Travis Thompson, LMFT, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“Grow up and start acting your age!” she screams with the hope of jarring him violently enough to wake him from his drunken stupor. Further entrenching in his defiance, with all the maturity and vigor he can muster, he shouts, “Make me!” How could he not see his childish behavior? He is so selfish. How could she not see how hateful and critical she was being? She just does not get it.
It can seem almost as if different languages are being spoken when a loved one is trying to reason and connect to someone in active addiction. An invisible block seems to be in place to keep communication from flowing. Often, spouses, family members, or those who care about someone suffering from addiction will describe hearing black and white thinking, an all-or-nothing mentality. Rarely do gray and nuance become influencing factors in relationships and conversations. So, what causes the seemingly drastic shift in emotional expression and tolerance once substances become involved?
What is Arrested Development?
In the late 1960s, Erik Erikson proposed a framework to map and understand human psychosocial development that segmented general age ranges that corresponded to lessons to be learned along the way. An example of this paring is how individuals from the ages of birth to around 2 years old learn about trusting the world. At this time, babies learn about their relationship with caregivers and whether the world itself is safe enough to be trusted. This is tested through comfort and support when they cry, care for basic needs, and protection from harm. If they learn that their caregivers and the world are generally dependable, then they can progress onto the next stage. If not, their emotional state will stall at that point.
What does that mean? If a baby learns that the world is unsafe and their caregivers will not protect them, do they always wear diapers and speak in gibberish at 45? Hopefully not. It is important to note that his measurement of development is specific to emotional and relational lessons, not physical ones. Babies that learn a harsh lesson about the lack of safety in the world around them can end up developing severe mental health problems such as Dissociative Identity Disorder or what is more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. Adults who are stuck in later stages may end up functioning as emotional teenagers. While not to the same degree, failures in other stages of development create their own problems.
How it Develops
So how do individuals get to the place where they are stuck emotionally? What does it take to keep someone from progressing normally? In general, there are only a few different ways that people from progressing in emotional maturity. The first is trauma in an event or experience and the second is the inability to express due to ignorance or insolence. Trauma is both a car crash and a continual lack of food in the home. One is an event that is easily remembered and the other is an understanding of the need for survival. In a passive sense, arrested development can occur when someone is not given the skills or support that they need to process emotions, or they decide that it is worth it to remain stagnant to gain responses they want from others.
In short, arrested development arises when someone is unable or unwilling to protect, take care of, or address the emotional vulnerability they are experiencing. This can be due to concerns for physical safety or emotional expression. For instance, a child who finds themselves in an environment that threatens their bodily autonomy or ability to explore openly, a block can occur emotionally if they experience fear that develops into trauma responses. Even without the concern for physical safety, a lack of engagement in emotional expression, whether that is an inability to express openly due to fear or unwillingness to progress and learn, emotional stunting can occur. For example, fear of backlash from an alcoholic father, as well as a lack of engagement in critical social interactions, can work toward arrested development.
At the point of failure in emotional progression, people can get stuck. This does not mean they do not progress in other areas, such as in their family relationships or ability to make decisions in their everyday life. However, arrested development becomes relevant when someone becomes stressed. When emotional safety is challenged, the last stage of success becomes what is leaned on. What does this look like? If someone’s last time of emotional safety and success is around 3 or 4 years old, an emotional reaction may be explosive and reminiscent of a temper tantrum with possible felony charges. If someone’s last time of emotional safety and success is around 13 or 14 years old, an emotional reaction may be argumentative and focused on black-and-white thinking without the ability to hear feedback.
Substance Abuse Relationship
If you have ever been in a drug or alcohol rehabilitation facility, it is hard to miss the feeling of being around teenage motivations, arguments, and group dynamics. Certainly, this is not calling anyone who has been in treatment stupid or childish, to some degree. However, those amid active addiction can attest to the level of processing and emotional turmoil that is seen through a lens like that of a teenager. When withdrawals hit or cravings arise, nearly like clockwork, individuals become argumentative, think in absolutes, focus on themselves, and seek personal satisfaction. Granted, biological drivers are in play due to neurological and physiological aspects of addiction. Although, it is clear to see that not only in the most stressful times of active addiction but also in the daily life of an active addict, arrested development is in play, especially when defiance and name-calling become a factor.
In a callback to Erik Erikson, those with active addiction display similar emotional intelligence and relational awareness of the last stage they succeeded in. For most addicts, it seems to be around the teenage period. These years are marked by impulsiveness, a desire to be connected to and known by others, absolute thought patterns, emotional turmoil, and a continual need to be liked and supported by peers. Also, relationships continue to be connected by feelings of acceptance and emotional sensitivity rather than logical processing and long-term thinking. Does this make them a teenager? Well, sort of. It is no surprise that most people who struggle with addiction first use drugs or alcohol around the ages of 13 to 15.
Depending on how severe the addiction is for an individual, their expression of arrested development will vary. If they are in the early stages of addiction, with some stability in employment and family relationships, an emotional teenager may only present issues in particularly pressing times, or when addiction-specific triggers come into play. In contrast, individuals that are in the more severe or long-term versions of addiction will display emotional explosiveness, denial of long-term consequences, and absolutist thinking nearly all the time, which makes it difficult to persuade or even speak honestly to them.
What to Do
So, how do we help a full-grown adult who has the emotional capacity of a teenager? It is not possible to rationalize them out of addiction and threatening ultimatums and using fear as a mechanism for change does not work. Certainly, begging and enabling do not facilitate long-term sobriety. The answer is found in the problem. How old are they emotionally? If their emotional processing is parallel to a 15-year-old, then immediate relations should be framed in a way that would make sense to a 15-year-old.
To effectively speak to someone in active addiction, it is not helpful to speak with slang or other speech patterns appropriate for a biological 15-year-old. This would be insulting and counterproductive. Instead, it is beneficial to engage in concepts and frameworks that would normally be used with teenagers. For example, discussing concrete ideas and immediate consequences allows for an entrance into the discussion of the next steps and how to support recovery. Also, the ability to relate to personal struggles related to loss of identity while also maintaining beliefs and boundaries allows for an open dialogue. Finally, the implementation of healthy and steadfast boundaries without a reservation may be the most relevant and valuable path to change. Again, these boundaries should be framed within the immediate context and with concrete expectations and relationships. However, the work that loved ones do to bolster their own health and confidence that emboldens healthy boundaries is the most compassionate for the active addicts thinking patterns while also supporting healthy progress toward sobriety.
Travis Thompson, LMFT, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Travis Thompson, is a researcher, teacher, and therapist focused on healing the lives of those in addiction. With a drive to see effective, long-term change in his community, he has dedicated himself, his practice, and his doctoral work on both research, education, and implementation of recovery. He strives to further the mental health field towards a holistic and advanced understanding of what addiction truly is, where it comes from, and how we all can help.
Other Sources:
Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development
Hazelden Betty Ford: Arrested Development ‒ What parents need to know about adolescent and young adult substance abuse
