Written by: Beckie Kullberg, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Asking for support isn’t easy. I get it and used to believe that was true. There is a link between binge eating and not asking for support. Hear me out here…
Scenario: You’re running late at work and committed to cooking dinner for your family and still need to stop by the market to get food. You roll into the grocery store, grab all the items you need, pull into the driveway, and drag your bags into the house. You see the kitchen is a mess and decide to clean it before you start cooking.
Then 2 hours later you and the family have eaten, the kitchen is clean, and you are stewing about how you had to cook dinner and all the effort that went into it and feel no one really appreciated it.
How do you soothe yourself? Food, glorious food. Insert binge.
How do I know this scenario, or a similar version, so well? It’s played out in my life more than once.
Why do we believe it is so hard to ask for support? This scenario could have been avoided with 1 question (okay, maybe more than 1), “can you please help me?”
Which is harder to say, Worcestershire, OR I need help?
Let’s explore how asking for support or help helps you and others. Think about a time when a friend asked you for help. Did you immediately say yes? Of course, you did because you are a kind and generous person. When you helped said friend, how did you feel afterward? Pretty awesome, right? Yup, that is the gift that your friend gave you by asking for support.
Now, let’s turn that around. When you do not ask those around for help or support you are robbing them of the gift of feeling helpful towards you. That might sting a bit and it’s meant to.
Think about it, had you asked someone to go to the store for you or even cook dinner that person would feel as if they gave you a gift and that would make them feel good, and then at the end of the night you wouldn’t have felt resentful and may not have had a binge. BAM, there’s the link!
Oftentimes people don’t ask for support because they don’t want to burden others or believe that they won’t do it as well as they do and may as well just do it themselves.
That last one is the most common among women. We believe that if we do it all ourselves then that makes us some kind of Superwoman and then we can value ourselves as a great mom, wife, friend, worker, etc. This simply is not true. We don’t need to work ourselves to complete exhaustion to show how amazing we are.
We teach our kids how to be by our actions, not our words and if we bend over backward to prove how amazing we are without setting boundaries and asking for support along the way then our daughters will believe they need to do the same and our sons will search for women who believe they need to do all things to be a good mom and wife. Ugh, it’s exhausting!
How can you ask for support or help successfully? That means setting up the other person to win and when they win you win. Be clear in your instruction-like talking to a 5-year old clear. For example, you’re asking your teenager to do the dishes. You know that means empty dishwasher, fill dishwasher, clear counters, put away food, and sweep the floor. They hear “do dishes” and not all of the other things so when they are done you’re angry and they don’t understand why. Be clear and request ALL of the things you want them to do.
You may be thinking how exhausting it is to give them all of the instructions and that you could be done with it yourself before you even start telling them what you want done and I completely agree with you. However, the next time you ask, they will have all of the instructions and you won’t have to repeat it – you may need to a few more times-although in the end, when your kitchen is clean and you didn’t do it, you will love it and they will feel accomplished. That is the definition of a win-win and at the end of the night instead of binging, you can be comforted by the gift that you gave your teen and yourself.
This process I call front-loading. When you front-load instruction-full instruction-then the reward is in the back-loading.
If you have found evidence that asking for support is frustrating or you always get let down, then you will continue to find evidence to prove that theory. I invite you to start looking for evidence that proves asking for help supports you AND those around you. You will always find what you seek.
Bottom line here, to avoid a binge, ask for support. You got this!
Beckie Kullberg, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
For the past thirty years, Beckie Kullberg has guided women of all ages and walks of life to fully understand and embrace self-love. She is a gentle leader who bonds with her clients and provides a safe haven for them to build body confidence and achieve a positive mindset. Her own story of binge-eating and recovery prompted her to create programs and tools to help others succeed in establishing strong self-esteem.
Beckie coined the phrase “image nemesis” as she designed the courses “30 Days to Breakup with Binge Eating” and “Body Confidence and Weight Release.” After hiding her secret for years (even her husband didn’t know), Beckie took multiple self-development courses and made the shift to stop the shame and restore optimal health of mind and body. She feels grateful to live in scenic Sonoma County with her husband of eighteen years and her teenage son, where she loves to hike the local trails and connect with nature.
