Written by Michael deMaine, Business and Life Coach
Mike deMaine is well known as a leader in the sports and entertainment industry on and off the field. He has taken his skills to leading men and women, identifying and overcoming challenges in their own personal and professional lives, specifically around honesty and living authentic lives. He is the founder and host of the "Honesty on Fire" podcast.
Hi. I’m Mike. I’m a liar. Let that sit for a moment. It’s brutal and raw, isn’t it? What’s the one thing that you are that nobody else knows, or that you think nobody else knows about you? Do you have the guts or the courage to say it out loud?
Are you a drunk?
Are you a druggie?
Are you a sexual deviant?
Are you a compulsive gambler?
Do you cheat on your spouse or partner?
Do you talk shit about people at work, at home, in the carpool lane, or at the beauty salon?
Chances are, in that quick list, you are one of those things. Prove me wrong.
I am a liar, and somehow lying, which is intrinsic in all those things, is looked down on by everyone. People see a liar as the worst of humanity. But the reality is that they do this because every single person reading, watching, listening, or talking shit about me or you is a liar in some way.
Again, my name is Mike. I am a liar. That is true, but like many people say, two things or multiple things can be true at the same time. While I am a liar, I am also loyal, empathetic, diligent, hardworking, dependable, caring, happy, engaging, committed, loving, and many other great things.
My "tick" is that when I feel ashamed, lose my self-esteem, or get afraid of being in trouble, I lie. Sometimes horrifically. And like all lies, they don’t just end with the first one. They snowball. In my mind, they are meant to protect others, but really, they are meant to protect me from something within my own insecurity.
I won’t get into what started my lying. I know it will come out in later articles. But I have lied and hurt so many people over the years, all while trying to, at least in my own mind, help everyone or make their lives and experiences with me better.
I am the ultimate people pleaser, the person who wants to do good things for people and have people like me. That desire has made it difficult for those closest to me, my kids, my family, and my parents, to want to be around me at times.
I have lost close friends.
I have lost marriages.
I have lost many other relationships along the way.
All because I wasn’t comfortable just being me.
And by me, I mean just Mike.
Not Mike the high school sports star.
Not Mike the rising sports executive.
Not Mike the community leader.
All those things led me to try to make others happy with a version of me, but not me.
Lying, or being dishonest, manifests itself in many ways. In my case, I love hard, and I dive in, often sacrificing myself and what is best for me. When it breaks down, it breaks down just as hard. To protect my stature in a relationship or a family dynamic, I have lied about many different things to make myself seem as though I had it all together. This includes lying about being employed or exaggerating the extent of my employment to ward off various complaints, and, to my own detriment, pretending that I had my life together financially and emotionally in times when I truly did not.
How did I get here? Why lie?
It is a question that is often asked by the non-liars, the ones who think they do not lie, and it is a complex answer. Ultimately, every single one of my lies started as a reaction to an insecurity. It was a choice, a choice I made, but simplifying it to just a right or wrong decision does not address the psychology behind it.
The reason people lie is not very different from why people work hard or love hard. The positive and negative sides of all these behaviors are connected. In my experience, after spending multiple years and enduring a lot of pain diving into this affliction, I have realized that the answer is usually the same. People lie to someone they love, not to a random person or for no reason.
People do not usually lie to those they do not care about. They do not dedicate themselves to people or things that mean nothing to them. Lying is no different. They lie to those closest to them or to those they want to be close to. While it may seem counterintuitive, the reason people start lying to loved ones is often a response to a perceived or real threat to their safety and security, or the safety and security of their mindset. Sometimes, this safety is physical, such as in cases of physical abuse, and sometimes, it is emotional, such as when someone fears being ashamed, abandoned, or emotionally abused.
In a recent relationship, which could serve as a blueprint for many of my lying episodes, I experienced a clear example of how I am triggered. I was physically and emotionally abused by my partner. She had been physically, sexually, and emotionally abused before our relationship, and as is often the case, she projected or passed that abuse on to me.
Our relationship was supposed to be the forever one. It was everything, but it devolved into me being physically assaulted on multiple occasions, sometimes because I had lied but often simply because I was there to support her in her drunken or intoxicated states. I was verbally demeaned and diminished both in public and in private, whether we were alone or in front of family and friends. I was constantly under criticism and pressure, despite my people-pleasing approach to daily life with her.
How did this happen while I was dedicated to making this person happy every day? I was continually chasing approval, only to have it withheld, made conditional, or dictated by alcohol-infused rants, behavior, and aggression. As it was happening in real time, it was almost accepted by me and our friends as playful aggression. However, while it was perceived as fun on the surface, the constant stress and exposure to these behaviors drove daggers into my insecurities on a continual basis. I made my partner aware of this and begged her to adjust her behavior, but like me with lying, she had developed a "tick" that she would not or could not address.
Being called worthless, disgusting, not as good as others, and being ridiculed by her as if she and others were talking badly about me drove my insecurities and made me feel like I always had to be perfect. Does her behavior and treatment of me relieve me of accountability for telling the truth, or better said, does it take me off the hook for lying? No, not at all. However, it does show a common example of how most of us live in relationships.
The result was that I lied about a situation that did not need to be lied about, but my safe space with her and my feelings of shame and embarrassment outweighed the perceived consequences of that moment. Did I want to tell her and others the truth? Absolutely. Did I want to face the consequences of obscuring the truth and lying? Of course not. Am I crushed by the overall outcome? Absolutely.
My goal with this column, my life coaching endeavor, and our podcast is to bring attention to the why—for liars and for those living in insecurity. I want to provide a place, a forum, and a workshop where they can share their struggles. I want to help people struggling with honesty and truthfulness find ways to cope, take accountability, and work with their partners, family, or friends to save relationships or to save themselves, preferably both.
It took several rock-bottom moments for me to finally make a change. When I finally did, I realized that this is not something that will ever be completely cured. It will always sit there like a controlled addiction. I will control it, and I am in control of it now, but just as a bar is to an alcoholic or a strip club is to a sex addict, I must fight my own thoughts more often than I care to admit. I am the only person who can truly prevent the addiction from rearing its ugly head.
It will be controlled. It must be controlled. And it is my purpose in life every day. I am prepared for the possibility that the perfect life I wanted with my person may end up being a perfect life with the guy looking back at me in the mirror. As a close friend told me recently, the only time change in your life happens when you do it for yourself. Interventions, threats, abuse, breakups – these things happen, and they hurt for all parties involved, but you will only change when you become so uncomfortable that you change for yourself.
In the meantime, my mission is to bring awareness to this affliction that so many people have but have been shamed, ridiculed, and pushed into hiding, only to have the problem grow worse and worse. All of us struggle with being truthful in some way, and I am putting myself, my podcast, and my mission out there to help others start being themselves honestly and truthfully.
Michael deMaine, Business and Life Coach
Mike deMaine is a seasoned sports and entertainment professional. He has led many successful brand launches, building developments, and revenue operations of professional sports teams. He is a leader in life coaching individuals to lead and become honest and authentic in their daily lives. He has launched the Honesty on Fire podcast and leads multiple self-help groups online weekly.
