Written by: Judi Snyder, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Why do we look forward to retirement, and when we get there, we are often unhappy, unfulfilled, or underwhelmed? One reason may be; for the first time, we are being asked to “choose” and not being told what we “should” do.
I’m inviting you to entertain the likelihood that we have been sleepwalking — robotically moving through our lives, ignoring what we choose for our best possible self. We’ve all heard that we “should” all over ourselves every day — and it’s true.
From the time we are toddlers to retirement, we are barraged with parents, teachers, family, friends, and bosses telling us what we “should” do. We should be walking by this age. We should be potty trained by this age. We should go to school and be proficient in XYZ by this age. We should get As and Bs, and we should go to college. We should graduate from college and get a great “job.” We should strive for advancement in that job. We should be a democrat or republican. We should get married and have kids. Those kids should be in soccer, football, music… fill in the blank. This “blank” is well-meaning and most often driven by our parents who didn’t have that “opportunity” and wanted to ensure that their kids did.
Should is nothing more than a detour from your authentic self and can act as an alarm. All of these “should’s” are well-meaning, and truth be told, we have contributed to perpetuating the “should’s” with our loved ones. It’s not our fault…we’ve been trained to follow “should” and ignore “choose” or what I define as our authentic desires. Should is the “assembly line” of life that gives us order and boundaries, and that is not necessarily a bad thing; however, it is important to include your sense of self in every decision. Some should’s are necessary and the result of learning from other’s mistakes. For example, “you should not put your hand on a hot stove,” …although there is something to be said for “seeing for yourself.” Once your hand is burned, you're not likely to push that boundary again.
Society is patient and exceptional at influencing our behavior in incremental steps over time. Subliminal messages are everywhere, and we are subconsciously encoding those messages as our own thoughts and including these new “rules” in our decision-making process.
Edward Bernays was one of the most influential and powerful people of all time in public relations and propaganda. He was an Austrian-American pioneer, Sigmund Freud’s nephew, and not widely known outside of his area of expertise. Bernays was considered the father of manipulation, key advisor to 5 Presidents, and responsible for making smoking in public socially acceptable for women, among many other societal behavior changes. Bernays said:
“The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, and our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of…it is they who pull the wires that control the public mind.”
Let that sink in. Bernays rebranded “propaganda,” which had a negative and manipulative connotation, to the modern-day description “public relations.” He had the secret sauce to tap into one's need for safety and be accepted by society. What does this have to do with the journey of should to choose?
This process highjacked our intuitive ability to connect with our true purpose or the “choose” to one of “should,” which creates acceptance through the belief we will serve the greater good of our tribe. In reality, serving ourselves first is the only way to authentically serve our fellow humans. What do they say on the airplane…put your oxygen mask on first before helping others?
Life does allow for the slight “coloring outside the boundaries of should” to some extent. You’ll hear terms like “think outside the box” or “thought leader” to describe the person who taps into their purpose and challenges the widely accepted status quo. Challenging the status quo leads to growth and innovation. While we may look back on these people with admiration often, they were ostracized or misunderstood for their deviation from society.
To embark on the journey from “should” to “choose,” we need first to understand why we follow others directions even when we intuitively feel it isn’t “right” for us. Humans are emotional creatures, social by nature, and we learn by observation. Conformity is a survival mechanism.
Before we can begin to get back in touch with “us,” we need to be aware of the drivers that cause us to ignore our inner desires and conform. Drew Eric Whitman defines 8 Common Desires as the primal biological needs that we all feel compelled to fulfill, no matter who we are, where we live, or what we do:
8 Primal Desires in Everyone:
1. Survival: Live a long and healthy life
2. Protection: Safety, care, and protection for yourself and loved ones
3. Freedom: Freedom from danger, fear, and pain
4. Comfort: Comfortable living conditions
5. Pleasure: Enjoy food, beverages, and experiences
6. Relationships: Sexual relations, companionship, and compatibility
7. Success: To be superior, winning, keeping up with the Joneses
8. Likability: Social approval, being part of the “in” crowd
These eight primal desires can be summed up in two words — safety and security. We will generally conform to the desired behavior to protect and nurture these primal desires. We look for reinforcement confirming that we are “safe” and behaving as expected. There are both flagrant and unspoken consequences for not conforming, yet there are some people that seem to be born to “buck the system.” We may even have times and events in our lives when we have “fallen on the sword” for our beliefs rather than conform. This appears to begin happening around mid-life, hence the phrase “mid-life crisis.” The dictionary defines a mid-life crisis as an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age. This identity and self-confidence crisis occurs when the “I,” or your true self, gets so buried in the should that there is barely any semblance of who we were meant to be, so we descend into depression and begin questioning everything around us. Depression, in its simplest term, is “anger turned inward.” We get angry about the perceived loss of who we could have been, choices we have made, and begin feeling our mortality.
Now that we understand the birth of the “I should,” how do we get to the “I choose”? I recommend 3 easy steps:
1) Recognize
2) Realize = Real eyes
3) Revisit
Recognize when you are doing something because someone else wants you to is the first and likely the most difficult step. I would invite you to become aware of your self-talk and notice every time you say to yourself, “I should.” Should the alarm you are about to detour from your desire, set that alarm to go off every day!
Realize by taking a step back and questioning the “why.” I called to check in on a client who recently became widowed to see how she was adjusting. She began dating her husband in high school, and they had been married for over 60 years! She began our conversation by saying she discovered so many things about herself without her “other half” that came as a complete surprise. For example, she made oatmeal and a banana every morning for breakfast and realized for the first time; she really didn’t like oatmeal or banana’s so much. She didn’t have to have it for breakfast any longer! Looking at things differently is not necessarily making anything or anyone wrong. It just may not be right for you. It is about your preference…there is no “wrong” color in a crayon box, merely different colors because we are all unique.
Revisit your decision by asking, “Is this something I CHOOSE to do?” or “is this something I believe “I SHOULD do?” Then choose and move forward. If you have been a “people pleaser” for most of your life like many of us, this will take baby steps. Just speaking up about what you want for breakfast is a great start. Work up to planning the next vacation and all of the excursions!
For some, this journey can be easy and intuitive, but for most of us, it requires unlearning “to follow” and relearning “to connect” to our “gut” or inner guidance. When we retire, we are, for the very first time, not being told what to do. Everything is a choice, and while that sounds great, it is often a source of our anxiety because it is new to us. Our “choose” muscles are weak at best but most likely non-existent. Choose muscles help us define our purpose and are the key to lasting satisfaction. We need to exercise the Choose muscles to build them and make them strong.
It’s been said the longest journey you’ll ever take is from your head to your heart. This is the journey from “I should” to “I choose.” It is rarely an easy journey but one that is necessary for your happiness and well-being. Bon Voyage!
Judi Snyder, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Judi is a retirement and transition coach, helping people nearing or in retirement find purpose, wellness, and financial certainty in their golden years. In 2004, she transitioned from employee to entrepreneur into financial services. Because of her own transition, she understands the unique challenges of creating a new identity and purpose. Judi became a CeFT®, Certified Financial Transitionist®, to further enhance her solutions for those going through financial transition and address the financial aspects of transition. Becoming a CPRC, Certified Professional Retirement Coach, expanded her tool chest to help clients navigate through the non-financial aspects of retirement, such as finding purpose, exploring spirituality, and health and wellness, which are as important as the financial planning yet rarely addressed. Happiness and fulfillment are about more than money.
