Written by: Carmen Vasile-Nichita, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
There are no second chances in childhood, so if children can learn and remember how to cope with their emotions early on in life, chances are their emotions will not run them over and run their life later on.
As adults, we tend to romanticize how easy it was to live life as a child. In fact, the reality is children deal with a lot; they just show it differently. Have you ever had a child who started dancing or singing right after finding out about a grandparent's death? Or have you ever seen a child feeling very anxious when you have guests in the house, even when the guests are the same age as them and their own friends? Or have you ever had a child so excited about a trip or a birthday party that they get a tummy ache or start crying, seemingly out of the blue? My own girl has recently asked me out of nowhere what is longer - 'forever or 'infinite.' 'They both express the same length; they have 'no-end, I said. 'That's very good', her reply came, 'because that's how much I love you, forever and infinite and so much more.’ Yes, children have big emotions! I like to say that they live a wholehearted life. And it is our responsibility as parents to recognize, accept and validate (through talk) all their feelings. Even the feelings that make us, grown-ups, less comfortable. How many of your Parents found yourselves saying, 'I just don't know why he's acting this way. This just isn't like him? While a certain behavior may be out of character for your child, stay with that original feeling you have, and try to understand where 'new' behavior is coming from. Once you understand the 'why', and the reason a child behaves the way they behave, it becomes a bit more obvious how you can help them. Feelings and emotions affect every choice we make in life, every relationship we create; they are a key leadership skill and can help us interact more successfully with ourselves and with the world. How well we are able to regulate our emotions is largely dependent on age, developmental stage, and also the environment we grow up in. And parents can actively help their children regulate their emotions in a healthy way.
How to do that? You can start by following these 3 simple steps.
1. Name Feelings
Help your child put a name to their feelings and talk about their emotions. Just being able to verbalize, 'I feel angry.' or 'I feel nervous.' can take the edge off the uncomfortable emotions that they are feeling. The use of the verb 'feel' instead of 'be' is also essential. This way, we make sure we understand that we are not our emotions, and we do not let ourselves be controlled by our emotions. Our emotions are just a part of us that we can manage appropriately. Older kids can benefit from learning more complex feelings such as stress, relief, betrayal. A great way to learn about feelings is to discuss various characters in books, or in movies, or even real-life people in your immediate environment.
2. Model How To Express Feelings
Take opportunities to talk with your child about how you both feel. Every morning or at the end of each day, right before bedtime, could be a good time to pick up on this healthy habit. A simple 'I feel tired and ready to sleep.' or 'I feel disappointed that our playdate got canceled, and I bet our friends felt the same way.' can have a big influence on your child and can model positive ways to talk about feelings. And, in turn, also ask your child how they feel. With younger children, a simple chart with smiley faces can work as well if that helps them choose a feeling.
I remember one morning when one of my kid's friends dropped by to take my daughter and walk together to school, and I asked him what color he was that day, and almost immediately, his answer came back: 'Green!'; 'How come?' I asked; 'Because I feel healthy!', he replied. Never, not even for a second, was he remotely surprised by my question or felt confused talking about his feelings, and I loved every second of that conversation, which in fact, made my day much
brighter.
3. Teach Ways To Cope With Feelings
What is coping really? According to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, coping refers to what a person does to lessen or get through a stressful situation, using personal resources to manage routines, frustrations, or challenges. As a Parent, you're going to have to work with your child's emotions (and likely your own, too) throughout his entire childhood. So get ready to embrace uncomfortable, out-of-your-comfort zone conversations about anything really. Look for teachable moments, and there will be plenty of those to help them find healthy ways to express what they're feeling.
Mistakes are good, even desired, and less convenient (for you!) situations can be considered golden opportunities to teach children about what went wrong and what can be done differently in a certain situation that made them feel in a particular way. Allow your child to feel bad or sad or angry. Childhood is the ideal time to learn about what life can feel like, and shielding them from all the ‘bad stuff’ now means that they will be ill-equipped to deal with the ‘hard stuff’ later in adulthood.
For instance, with the help of a Problem Solving Wheel, you can help your child learn what to do in specific situations, such as when their friend let them down, or when they failed a test, or when they did not get the present they were hoping for. You can even create together new ways that could help sort out more complicated situations. Remember that child I mentioned in the beginning who was so excited about an upcoming trip that gets a tummy ache and a good cry? That is a teachable moment, and one way to go about that situation is to let them have a good cry which they so obviously need, to recognize their excitement and to ask them to spruce up the car or pack their own luggage in anticipation of the trip, which will create a nice outlet for the energy they’re feeling.
Children need to practice expressing emotions and how to deal with them. It is a strong part of their emotional development. And emotional development is one of their basic Developmental Needs. Parenting should not be polarized - tough love or 'suck-it-up style or overly caring parenting style do not do anyone any good. Ignoring or minimizing what your child is feeling is just as bad as over-protecting them all the time.
It's on you, the Parent, to take the responsibility and create a balance, to take this into your hands, to teach your kid what they need to learn about emotions, and to make a decision that safeguards your child's emotional health. It's on you, as a Parent, to bear witness to your child's truth, to your child's feelings, no matter how uncomfortable these are. After all, the way your child learns to cope with life begins with you.
Most of all, do not worry about being wrong or making the occasional mistake - all that’s needed is for you to communicate to your child that you care, that you want to help, and that you can both learn how to move forward together.
Let go of who you think your child is supposed to be and embrace who they are, and soon enough, they will grow up to be kind, confident adults able to deal with whatever life throws at them.
Carmen Vasile-Nichita, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
With a degree in Arts, a Major in English Language and Literature and 20 years professional experience in the Education and Technology industries, Carmen is the founder of her own coaching startup, CVN Coaching, an English Teacher by trade, a Communication Specialist, an expat solo parent and a committed life long learner who loves to empower people through thoughtful, differentiated coaching.
As a Mindset and Transformational Coach for Kids and Families, Carmen is leveraging the unique principles of Growth Mindset that she has been fostering herself from the inside out, to build a Growth Mindset culture within the environments and people that she is working with. She is also a social media marketing enthusiast and started educating herself in this area when she started creating her own business.
Oh, did we mention that Carmen is Romanian-Greek-Hungarian? Why does that matter? Well, it matters because she wholeheartedly embraces diversity and she considers herself lucky to be living in times of globalisation and acceptance.
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