Written by: Noeli Naima, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Decoding ambivalent incivility: Unmasking those who shift from rudeness to nonchalance.
Recognising incivility
With incivility, I'm referring to impolite, rude, or otherwise offensive behavior.
We begin our lives with a direct social experience in our families, where we get exposed for the first time to love and understanding, as well as incivility. The biblical example of Cain and Abel illustrates this point.
Recollections of rudeness often influence us, shaping our conduct in various life stages such as school, adolescence, early relationships, and even our professional lives. We subconsciously tend to keep emulating the reactions of our immediate family members, adopting neural pathways developed through defense mechanisms in confrontational situations (consider frequent sibling disagreements, for instance).
The impact of our primitive survival instincts on our perception of incivility
Our brains have evolved to remember negative experiences more vividly than positive ones, a holdover from our primitive "cave times" when survival was paramount. It can lead from a heightened sensitivity to incivility, creating parallel pathways of perception and triggering fight/flight responses in otherwise non-threatening situations. The consequences of living in this state of high stress are significantly draining for our vitality, and the worst is that over time, we become accustomed to this tension, getting addicted to it, much like the way we can become addicted to caffeine or sugar.
It's a concerning reality that more than 80% of individuals subjected to prolonged, rude, scrutinizing, uncivil, and immoral behavior within corporate settings begin to develop coping mechanisms to endure these challenges. It often manifests as low motivation, lethargy, minimal engagement, a high rate of sick leave, and decreased productivity. Many find themselves engaging in reality-evading habits and daydreaming about the arrival of Fridays as a relief.
At Heartegy, we often engage in discreet inquiries to help uncover incivility sources within given teams and departments. After all, a crucial aspect of our professional responsibilities is to educate adults on fostering respectful interactions, starting with self-awareness and considering how they would like to deal with incivility from a heart-centered perspective. Even though by the time we reach adulthood, one would expect us to have a firm grasp of social etiquette and the ability to cultivate positive relationships with colleagues, reality can be quite different. Especially in situations marked by high volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity (VUCA) or additional mental health factors come into play. The topic remains shrouded in taboos and elicits uncomfortable reactions, making it akin to the elephant in the room that takes up space and keeps growing.
Andy Dunn, founder of Bonobos
Entrepreneur and Bonobos founder Andy Dunn shares what his mental health journey taught him about leadership — and how we can help others at work and in life (http://t.ted.com/RzC3w63).
He talks about his bipolarity, stating that constant Leadership therapy inside corporations would be highly beneficial.
Therapy, bipolarity and incivility
These topics remind me of a friend I've known for a long time. Hard work brought her a certain level of power and status; she enjoys having come from a humble background, but she still experiences self-esteem issues. (She is a Beautiful Black Woman)
In 2007, while I was residing in Barcelona, she inaugurated her first industry event. At that point, our friendship was in its infancy, yet it was impossible to deny her endearing assertiveness. She often took the lead in planning, making decisions without necessarily seeking consensus, arranging meetups at her favored restaurants, and infusing an element of challenge into our interactions. However, her positive qualities were equally noteworthy: she was remarkably generous, always willing to lend a helping hand, inquiring about my well-being, and never failing to remember my birthday or favorite cake (she had a knack for culinary mastery).
She sought my help facilitating a guided tour for her clients around Barcelona when the assigned guide failed to appear. Initially, I expressed my doubts since I wasn't a professional tour guide; however, with no other option available, I reluctantly agreed. She preferred a subpar tour over canceling it, believing it would suffice.
I quickly skimmed the hotel's guide for information and did my best to provide a good tour. Hours later, a participant on both my impromptu tour and the subsequent one with a professional guide made an observation. Instead of explaining the circumstances (the original guide's absence and my stepping in as a local friend), she accepted the comment without clarification. She later shared it light-heartedly, playfully mentioning the complaints about my tour for the team and her family. I felt embarrassed by this unexpected critique, and with minimal conversation, I left shortly after the incident.
Afterward, she behaved as if nothing had happened, almost suggesting I was exaggerating the incident. This moment marked a significant shift in our dynamics.
I soon realized that her form of incivility was difficult to label, analogous to the unspoken elephant in the room between us, and I loved my friend, but started to avoid contact.
Incivility ebbs & flows
She continued to seek contact, and the years passed in a cycle of carefully orchestrated moments when we reunited, only to repeat the same patterns. She would display a peculiar mix of kindness and rudeness, making fun of or gossiping while proudly asserting that she covered all expenses (sometimes not even allowing us to share the bills by paying in advance or leaving her credit card at the counter). My family grew fond of her because, for the most part, she was charming and endearing. That kind of friend that invite you to her summer holidays.
Years later, she again asked for my assistance for the same event in Greece. We discussed the past incident in Barcelona and my concerns about working together.
She possesses a penchant for control and tends to display narcissistic behaviour when triggered . This trait always posed a potential threat to our longstanding friendship. Even in our regular interactions, her controlling tendencies were evident.
In one hand I could relax and enjoy someone else taking the lead, in other hand always a bit too edgy.
She isn't the type of friend I confide in daily, as she can be pretty critical, even about minor things, touching here the theme our next article:
Working alone at home without real human interactions is not really good for her personality type, in a corporate environment it would have set boundaries early in her manners.
Despite my understanding of human behavior, I've realised that she requires extensive therapy, despite receiving conventional psychological treatment and demonstrating some progress.
The hurdle remains her unwillingness to recognise the need for change and treatment fully.
This resistance can be a significant barrier to personal growth and improvement interacting with others in real life moments.
As complex as this situation is with my friend, it's also representative of similar dynamics in the workplace. I’m not exposed to my friend manners everyday, and that is good. Within our team or department, most of us are regularly exposed to the incivility of certain colleagues for hours every day. This incivility can range from subtle comments on our appearance or harmless matters to more profound and strange symbiotic behaviors reminiscent of school days. This is an elephant sitting heavy on us for a long time.
Establishing clear boundaries
Aware of our interactions dynamics, I did travelled to Greece to help my friend, leveraging my proficiency in four languages and hoping for a grow-off-the-pattern time together.
It was a significant mistake. She despises the events and only provides them as they are financially crucial in her business, while her true passion lies in something entirely different outside of work. My friend seems unable to grasp the inadequateness of her behavior or comprehend why it is unacceptable.
Nobody seems to establish clear boundaries with her, not even her husband, and given her immense success and position, I decided to be honest with her, conveying that we won’t work together again in this lifetime, and our friendship won’t be the same. If anything is to change, both sides must take responsibility for incivility to end.
From my perspective, I’m taking a stand, not to prove a point, but to acknowledge my role in allowing this person to treat me poorly and well over the past 20 years. My life doesn't depend financially on her, alltrough I feel genuinely sorry for those who rely on her for their livelihood. Her reactions can be unpredictable, influenced by her perfectionism, fatigue, sleeplessness, or hormonal fluctuations.
During such moments, she displays a lack of honor in treating her family, friends and crew. They end up receiving leftovers from breakfast or the remnants of the dinner buffet after the paying customers have had their share. Her behaviour is far from considerate or respectful. No emphaty at all.
I have a background in global event management, having worked in that field for several years before finding my place as a coach and co-founder of a building startup. The most successful collaborations consistently prioritise the well-being of their team, recognising that they represent the event. They ensure that all the crew's needs are well handled, providing a constant supply of snacks, fruits, and drinks. Moreover, the staff should be prioritised in eating before the customers to ensure that no one goes hungry, been ready to assist during meals if the customers require it.
How to help yourself and your team
If you are presented with a crucial point dealing with individuals like my friend within corporations, it's essential to acknowledge the issue rather than make excuses for their inappropriate behaviour. The first step is to reclaim your dignity and refuse to be part of the problem.
Stand your ground and communicate direct with the person who is incivil, letting your position and point of view very clear.
Give your colleague a fair chance to receive the information first from you, and add that you are working on yourself to lose the friction involving this repeating pattern, and ask if they are ready to do the same.
Finding no resonance, then, explore whether your colleagues share the same concerns and seek professional assistance.
It could involve notifying your superiors and bringing in a coach, mediator, or consultant with expertise in handling such matters within the company. As a last resort, if no one can resolve the issue, consider leaving the toxic environment.
Incivility is a severe problem, and it's no longer acceptable or normal
The impact is often detrimental, affecting our mental and physical health. The toxic behaviour of one uncivil person can have long-lasting consequences on a large scale. Recognising the costs associated with incivility, in terms of employee well-being and productivity, should be a priority for any company to avoid leaving a lot of money on the table.
Valuable employees depart a company due to inadequate internal behaviour, and it's usually the last resort. If this issue is affecting your organisation, it's imperative to embrace new work strategies and confront the prevailing issue that's been ignored for too long.
It's time to name and address the elephant in the room for the benefit of all.
Noeli Naima & Micaela Buenemann
Noeli Naima, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Noeli Naima is Heartegy’s Co-Founder & CEO, a unique Brazilian blend combining over twenty years of experience in Holistic Coaching (Corporate Wellness & Stress Prevention through Naturopathy, Yoga Therapy, Ayurveda Medicine and Psycho-Aromatherapy) with Cutting-edge Strategies (Neuroscience, Vibrational Recalibration, Positive Intelligence) and New Work Analytics (Applied Change, 360 feedback and Vibrational Reading).
She is a living example of how outdated corporate behaviours pull us down while updating our approach and focusing on the human aspects elevates us.
In her Project Soul Soup 4 Coaches book series (available through Amazon), she discusses how combining energy work, coaching, and health prevention can positively transform corporate & life environments enabling them to soar.
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