Brainz Magazine Exclusive Interview
Troy Love is the self-love torchbearer with a Master’s Degree in Social Work from the University of Pittsburgh (earned through countless all-nighters and a perogy-filled survival saga). Currently navigating the Land of Sand and Scorching Heat (Yuma, Arizona), where Han Solo met his sandy fate, Troy is the founder of Finding Peace Consulting. He is dedicated to guiding folks toward greater peace, joy, and love (and surviving the occasional sandstorm).
Wearing multiple hats – Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant, and Keynote Speaker – Troy's a two-time Amazon Best-Selling Author (more self-help, less groupies) and a TEDx speaker (his kids can confirm his endless talks on self-compassion and living in truth).
Could you elaborate on the nature of your business or enterprise?
Finding Peace Consulting teaches tools and strategies so those seeking peace can live in choice, heal attachment wounds, deepen their most meaningful connections, and rise to their fullest potential. We offer courses, retreats, and educational opportunities to help individuals develop shame resilience, overcome past hurts, and practice self-compassion.
What factors or behaviors do you believe contribute to the creation of illusions in relationships, and how can individuals navigate through them for healthier connections?
From the moment we were conceived, we began to experience situations that would ultimately create what I call "Attachment Wounds". Loss, Neglect, Rejection, Abandonment, Betrayal, and abuse, can leave lasting imprints on how we view ourselves and the world around us. For some, we expect others to provide the soothing and the comfort from the wounds and become anxious when we sense that those closest to us pull away because the demand can feel so intense.
For others, they refuse to be vulnerable enough to let anyone get close enough to hurt them and so they stay aloof and walled up. It is often the case that the anxious one finds the avoidant one and the relationship becomes a push and pull that never seems to end. Unfortunately, that is not what we see when we watch television shows or romantic movies. And so, when we experience challenges in our relationships, we perpetuate the attachment wounds and wonder, "What is wrong with us? What is wrong with me?"
How do societal pressure and media influence contribute to the perpetuation of unrealistic expectations and illusions about love, and what steps can individuals take to overcome these influences?
It is most often the case that when someone posts on social media, they put the best image of themselves there. Using filters, camera angles, and other manipulations adds to the flawless images portrayed. People share pictures of their family smiling on a beach, close-ups with their partner on a romantic night, and other fun activities in an attempt to share their world with the larger universe. One of the unexpected results of this phenomenon is the creation of shame-based comparison. People's Shadows of Shame, as I like to call them, start talking in our heads. "I should look more like that." "I wish my relationship was as happy as theirs." "Why don't my lips look as good as theirs?" These comparisons can increase how badly we already feel about ourselves and the irony is that the shadowy messages weren't even based in truth.
What we don't know is that that couple is dealing with infertility, or that family is dealing with the pain of infidelity, or that that person is battling depression. Life is messy and love is even messier. Understanding that perfection is not the norm and demanding perfection is damaging is the first step in learning how to lean into the discomfort of connection.
Can you share examples or common misconceptions that people may have about love, and how can recognizing these illusions lead to more authentic and fulfilling relationships?
Myth: Love should always feel like our first romantic kiss. Truth: The intensity of initial infatuation naturally evolves. Understanding that love matures and deepens over time allows for a more realistic and fulfilling perspective on long-term relationships.
Myth: Your Partner Should Fulfill All Your Needs. Truth: Each of us has a love and belonging tank that operates just like the fuel tank of your vehicle. When your vehicle is running low on fuel, it may sputter or stop entirely. When our love and belonging tank is running on fumes, we may feel depressed, exhausted, and defeated. It would be amazing for our neighbor to come over and say, "Hey, I sensed your vehicle was getting low on fuel. Give me the keys to your car and I will go fill it up." We all know that is never going to happen. Why? Because your neighbor has their own fuel tank in their own vehicle to take care of. Your neighbor needs to be responsible for their fuel tank just like you need to be responsible for yours. Expecting your partner to be the one and only fuel source of your love and belonging tank is like asking your neighbor to siphon all of the fuel they just purchased and put it in your tank. Maybe your neighbor would be willing to give you a little, but not all of it. In relationships, we can help our partner by adding fuel to their tanks instead of insisting that they fill ours. When I am depleted, I can ask for help from a variety of sources, including my partner, friends, family members, a higher power, or even myself. No single person can fulfill all emotional needs. Recognizing that each partner has individual needs and supporting personal growth leads to a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.
Myth: Love is a Constant State of Bliss. Truth: Love is like being on a roller coaster. Some days are high and some days are low. It is turning towards our partner during both the highs and lows that shows what love really is. Sue Johnson said, "Love is an attachment bond - our ability to develop long-lasting relationships. our ability to develop long-lasting relationships. Love is not the least bit illogical or random, but actually an ordered and wise recipe for survival." Discovering that recipe is how we endure the challenges of life with someone by our side.
Myth: Love Should Be Expressed in Grand Gestures, especially on days like Valentine's Day. Truth: Although I LOVE Valentine's Day as a day for expressing love, telling your partner that you love them with a huge teddy bear and a box of chocolates on February 14, but ignoring your partner's needs and presence the rest of the year is not a very effective way of showing that you love your partner. Expressing love goes beyond grand gestures. Recognizing and appreciating small, everyday actions contribute to a more meaningful and authentic connection. How can you let your partner know they are loved every day of the year? Can you send a text, write a note, deliver their favorite dessert on a tough day, an act of service, or take them out on a date without you looking at your device? It is those small moments that fill up the love and belonging tank faster than something Grand.
The term "The illusion of love" suggests a discrepancy between perception and reality. How can individuals distinguish between genuine love and mere illusions, and what signs should they be aware of in relationships?
As a kid, I loved magic. I wanted magic powers like the ability to disappear or levitate. Alas, I bought a magic set instead and practiced endlessly until I could put on my first magic show. What I learned was that magic is really just an illusion - a manipulation of reality - deception. When I go to a magic show today, I know that I am going to be deceived and I am delighted in trying to figure out how the magician did the tricks. But in a relationship, there cannot be an illusion of love if the relationship ever has a chance of lasting. First and foremost, there must be honesty and trust. Trust is a fundamental aspect of real love. Integrity is the glue to creating trust. Without it, the relationship will fall apart just like a magician who accidently shows the audience how a trick is done.
Couples need to be on the same page about values and goals, how they solve problems, and how they tackle challenges. If partners have significant disparities in their fundamental beliefs or long-term aspirations, it may be a sign of an illusion rather than a compatible relationship. Authentic love accepts imperfections and flaws. If there's a constant desire to change the partner or dissatisfaction with who they are, it might be indicative of an illusion rather than genuine acceptance. Genuine love encourages personal and mutual growth. If a relationship hinders personal development or feels stagnant, it may suggest an illusion rather than a supportive connection.
In your experience or perspective, how do personal insecurities and past experiences impact one's susceptibility to falling into the illusion of love, and what strategies can individuals employ to cultivate a more realistic and grounded understanding of love?
When I was 19 years old, I stood in a bathroom after just listening to a man give a talk about the importance of self-love. He said, "If you want to be effective in your life in anything you do, you need to be able to love yourself." I was angry. Most of my teenage life I was embroiled in shame. I did not believe that I was enough. I felt like I was flawed. I believed I was defective. I knew I was not good enough. I hated myself. At the same time, I tried to be very loving and kind to others. I tried to be accepting, compassionate and understanding. And now this man is telling me that if I want to be effective in my life, I have to learn how to love myself.
I was livid. How could that be? That couldn't be true! I looked in the mirror with tears running down my face wanting to flush what he said down the toilet. But then, something happened. I felt a light inside that said, "Troy, the reason why that is true is that even though you are loving and kind is that when others try to reciprocate that love back to you, you push it away. Because you hate yourself, you won't receive their love and consequently put up a barrier between you and them thus breaking the connection. It would become lopsided and unhealthy for both of you.
From that day on, I started to realize that self-compassion is one of the most important ingredients in being able to have a healthy loving relationship with one's partner. I learned that I must be able to understand and love myself just as much as I want to understand and love my partner. That way, when my partner tries to love on me, I can accept it with Grace and gratitude. I'm not pushing it away and thus pushing my partner away in the process. On the days when my partner may have some critical things that they need to say about something that I've done because I have the ability to love myself, I don't take it personally. Rather, I'm able to accept it with Grace and gratitude and then have a dialog about what can be done in order to help take care of that issue in a way that feels both of our love and belonging things.
Can you tell us more about Finding Peace Consulting's approach to emotional and mental well-being, especially in addressing issues such as anxiety, depression, and stress in relationships or major life transitions?
Finding Peace's foundational premise is that we all have attachment wounds, but what causes us suffering are the stories we have come to believe about ourselves. Anxiety and depression are fueled by stories of hopelessness, powerlessness, and shame. Our goal is to help our clients learn how to recognize the wounds and take immediate action to start the wound care necessary for healing to happen. We also teach clients how to develop shame resilience so that the stories of unworthiness and powerlessness can be quieted and replaced with stories of resilience, influence, and being enough. We help clients practice mindfully living in this moment with joy, love, and gratitude while practicing empathy for those fellow journeyers on the road called life who are hurting too.
How do you see your business evolving or any upcoming initiatives or projects on the horizon?
We hope to offer more training opportunities including the Empathy in Action: Men Leading with Heart weekend intensive, the Finding Peace Retreat, and the Finding Peace in Relationships Course.
Do you have any final advice or words of wisdom?
At the end of MGM's famous Wizard of Oz movie, the wizard tells the Lion, "that a heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others." I didn't understand that quote at the beginning. But now I understand that for others to love me, I must also love. It is reciprocal. I understand that seasons like Valentine's can be triggering for many including those not in relationships and those whose relationships are painfully rocky. Because I was born on Valentine's Day (yes, my last name is Love and I really was born on Valentine's Day) the older I get, the more I realize that rather than focusing on what gifts or birthday messages I might receive from others, I want to focus on the gratitude of being loved and loving others and reflect that love back to them. Perhaps you can do the same.
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