Written by: Jane Parker, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Honesty is often hailed as the bedrock of a healthy relationship. It's the golden rule we all agree upon—be honest with your partner. But is there such a thing as too much honesty? Can the truth, in some cases, do more harm than good?
Have you ever witnessed someone saying, "Well, I am only being honest!" after saying something hurtful or critical about their partner? Their intention may not be to hurt their partner, they may have the belief that honesty in this way is necessary to improve their relationship.
Here are six situations where honesty might not be the best policy with some advice from me to help you to navigate it.
Situation 1: Sharing every negative thought
While being open with your partner is important, sharing every negative thought can be damaging. You may believe you're simply being honest, but frequent critiques can gradually erode your partner's self-esteem and create an atmosphere of constant judgment. Constant criticism under the guise of honesty can make your partner feel unlovable and unworthy. This approach can damage the relationship over time, as it focuses on the negative rather than building a positive connection.
Example: Consider the case of Tom, who frequently told his partner Linda that she was always late, messy, and disorganised. Over time, Linda began to feel belittled and unappreciated, causing a rift in their relationship.
Advice: Before expressing a negative thought, ask yourself if it's a recurring issue or a one-time annoyance. If it's the latter, it might be better to let it go. If it's a recurring problem, express your concerns in a constructive and non-accusatory manner. Express how you feel about the mess rather than criticising her for making it. Use ‘I’ statements. E.g. “When the place is messy, it makes me feel stressed and on edge. Can you please help to keep it tidier?” This is a much better way to care for your partner rather than pointing out their flaws.
Instead of criticizing, express your needs and desires. Ask for what you want rather than focusing on what your partner is doing wrong. Seek the positive in your partner and share that with them.
Situation 2: Bringing up irrelevant past issues
Dragging up past issues, especially those that are irrelevant to your current relationship, can cause unnecessary tension. It can make your partner feel like they're being constantly judged on their past, rather than who they are now.
Case study: Sarah often brought up her partner's past relationships during arguments, even though they had no bearing on their current relationship. This only made him feel judged and insecure, and it distracted them from resolving the issue at hand.
Advice: Learn to let go of the past. If an old issue crops up in your mind, ask yourself if it's truly relevant to your current situation or if you're using it as ammunition. Focus on resolving present conflicts and building a better future together.
Situation 3: Sharing unfiltered personal opinions
While you should be able to express your opinions in a relationship, delivering them without a filter can often be hurtful. Remember, your partner values your opinion, and harsh words can leave lasting emotional scars. Be aware of whether your honesty serves a constructive purpose.
Example: John, who prided himself on his honesty, would not hesitate to tell his partner that her outfits were unflattering, her jokes were unfunny, or her cooking was subpar. His words, intended as honest feedback, felt like personal attacks to his partner, leading her to feel unappreciated and unloved.
Not everything that's true needs to be shared, especially if it doesn't affect the relationship or if it's a matter of opinion rather than fact. Sharing every critical thought or past indiscretion can create unnecessary hurt and may lead to a partner feeling judged.
Advice: Before you voice an opinion, consider its necessity and its impact. Constructive criticism is one thing, but unnecessary negative opinions can be harmful. Try to frame your thoughts in a positive and supportive way.
Situation 4: Over-sharing personal details
Sharing personal experiences and details can foster intimacy in a relationship. However, over-sharing, especially about past relationships or personal experiences that your partner finds uncomfortable, can lead to feelings of insecurity or discomfort.
Example: Peter, in his quest to be completely open with his current partner Mary, shared intimate details about his past relationships. While his intentions were good, Mary began to compare herself to Peter's exes, leading to feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
Advice: Be mindful of the potential impact of your disclosures. If you're unsure whether to share something, consider your partner's feelings and the potential effect of your revelation.
In each of these situations, the key is to balance honesty with empathy and understanding. Being honest does not mean being unnecessarily cruel or thoughtless. It's about sharing your thoughts and feelings in a manner that respects your partner's feelings and fosters a healthy, loving relationship.
5. When honesty is brutality disguised
Brutal honesty is a red flag in relationships. It's when honesty is used as a weapon, to belittle or control, rather than to communicate and improve the relationship. If your partner often makes comments that attack your self-esteem, it's a sign of brutal honesty. This can stem from their upbringing or personal issues, but it's essential to address how their words affect you. If the pattern continues, it could escalate to emotional abuse.
Advice: If you're on the receiving end of brutal honesty, communicate how it makes you feel. Encourage your partner to express their concerns without attacking your character. If they're open to it, suggest seeking professional help together.
6. When honesty breaks down trust
While honesty is crucial for trust, there's a fine line between being transparent and over-sharing. Sharing every thought or feeling, especially when they're not fully processed or when they could be hurtful, can erode trust and intimacy.
Advice: Communicate about how you'll communicate. Establish boundaries and respect each other's privacy and autonomy. Aim for discretionary honesty, where you consider the impact of your truth-telling.
Have you ever been in a situation where honesty felt like it did more harm than good? If you're struggling with these issues or other relationship challenges, consider booking a coaching session to explore strategies tailored to your relationship.
Remember, honesty should be kind and constructive.
"True honesty is not just about speaking the truth but also about speaking it with kindness and consideration for your partner's feelings."
Finally, for those who prefer a more personal approach, relationship coaching can be a valuable resource. Working with a coach or counsellor can provide personalised advice and strategies based on your specific relationship dynamics.
Remember, while honesty is generally a positive trait in relationships, it's important to consider the impact of your words and actions on your partner. Being mindful of your partner's feelings and the potential impact of your honesty can help foster a healthier and more respectful relationship.
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Jane Parker, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jane Parker is a Certified Strategic Intervention Advanced Relationship Coach and she works with couples and individuals to guide and empower them to create positive changes in their marriage or relationship.
Her strategies help couples in crisis who may be considering separation or see no other alternative than divorce.
Jane's work helps couples to see the value in their relationship and each other, allowing them to
build upon the foundations of their connection to intentionally create the relationship they desire.
She inspires couples and gives them the tools and skills to create more understanding, connection, and trust within their relationship.
Jane's deep commitment to her work comes from her strong family values and a desire to coach couples to create happy and healthy relationships within their own homes. She is dedicated to showing that even when things seem hopeless positive changes can be made.
Jane works with couples in person in the beautiful Lake District, UK, or online worldwide.
You can find Jane at www.janeparkerrelationshipcoach.co.uk
