Written by Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact of perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A book about divorce.
Perfectionism, while often seen as a virtue, can be a silent and destructive force in your life. Perfectionism lies at the heart of many mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), personality disorders, and perinatal mental health disorders. The constant pressure to be perfect creates an unrelenting cycle of self-criticism and dissatisfaction, robbing you of joy and fulfillment. By addressing perfectionism, we can begin to release these dysfunctional patterns and start to heal.
"The fear of not being enough and the fear of being 'too much' are exactly the same fear: the fear of being you." Nayyirah Waheed
The cost of not seeking therapy
Clients who do not seek therapy to address their perfectionism often find themselves trapped in a perpetual state of inadequacy. This unending pursuit of flawlessness can lead to:
Burnout: The relentless drive for perfection can exhaust your mental, emotional, and physical resources.
Damaged relationships: Perfectionism often results in unrealistic expectations of yourself and others, leading to conflicts and strained relationships.
Lost opportunities: Fear of failure can paralyze you, procrastinating or preventing you from taking risks or seizing new opportunities.
Low self-esteem: The inability to meet your high standards perpetuates a cycle of self-doubt and low self-worth.
Transform your life
When clients first come to me, they often resist taking accountability for their happiness, seeking instead to change difficult situations with their child, spouse, parent, or job. They are disappointed when I explain that true change must come from within. It's the only thing they can control.
Many clients waste time, energy, and resources by begging, pleading, blaming, arguing, and crying about their struggles, not realizing the potential of directing that effort toward their growth. Or, they constantly jump to different relationships and careers acting in the same ways, expecting different results. They hope for a happy ending without realizing they have been reliving the same script from a young age.
Many clients with perfectionism often feel alone and misunderstood despite their efforts to cultivate meaningful relationships. They struggle because they are perceived as either too critical, pushy, impulsive, or involved, or conversely, too cold, perfect, or rigid. They struggle to express their true feelings towards people and situations, often resorting to scripted, socially contrived behaviors instead of genuine emotions. At the start of our work together, many clients struggle to understand their feelings about a person or situation unless it manifests as an intense outburst. They lack the skills to set clear boundaries and expectations with others because they have never learned to establish them for themselves. Perfectionists believe that their worth is based on what they do for people, not who they are, because they spent the majority of their lives acting out in ways that were convenient to keep the peace and maintain balance and structure, despite feeling otherwise. This is why many seek quick and superficial fixes, though they soon discover that our deep work not only addresses these surface issues more effectively but also provides lasting solutions.
Through this process, clients have made remarkable strides: upgrading careers, building stronger relationships with their children, switching from sleeping medications to natural sleep approaches, losing weight, and enhancing communication with loved ones. These improvements reflect profound internal changes, achieved by taking ownership of their lives.
The power of attention
Our most powerful asset is our attention. Perfectionists often struggle to harness this potential, swinging between hyperfocus and distraction.
Hyper focused: controlling, pushy, domineering, intense, agitated.
Distracted: helpless, aloof, multitasking, frustrated.
Although many may feel like they are constantly running against the clock to get everything they want done, the challenge isn't time but the misalignment between our attention and our goals.
The misconception of extremes
Perfectionists often oscillate between extremes, thinking we're nice or rude, generous or selfish. This inconsistency affects what we care about the most—our loved ones, career, body, and overall well-being. Outwardly capable, we may feel internally disorganized and emotionally chaotic.
The need for alignment
Perfectionists often feel valued for what they do, not who they are, leading to inner turmoil. This inner rage questions, "Would you love me if I didn't do anything for you?" To find peace, we must align our inner and outer selves. No matter how perfect things seem outside, if you're a mess inside, nothing will ever seem to be good enough. Recognizing the lack of attunement, we can calibrate and pivot our thoughts, feelings, and actions in new healthier directions.
The PIE approach: Perceive, Integrate, Experience
How do we go about this process of calibration and attunement? Can I offer you a piece of PIE? In therapy and consults, we:
Perceive: Identify, reflect, and modify belief systems.
Integrate: Practice the application of these discoveries / insights in your current life.
Experience: Embrace new perceptions, behaviors, and ways of living.
This cyclical process is like the ouroboros, symbolizing a continuous cycle of endings and new beginnings, constantly evolving and expanding. By embracing this process, we can transform our lives from the inside out. My work focuses on helping clients explore different aspects of their personalities to cultivate deeper self-compassion. We then apply these insights to everyday situations and relationships. As a result, clients notice positive changes in their interactions with others and within themselves.
Integration is key to living a life with a stronger more developed inner compass. Without it, acquiring insights can at times seem harsh, terrifying, and discombobulating – defeating the sole purpose of any type of therapeutic support. When we integrate, we learn how to process these experiences gradually, preventing emotional overwhelm and potential psychological distress. With my support, the insights you gain during therapy are translated into actionable changes for long-term benefits.
My goal is to empower you to effectively manage and integrate any new insights gained through therapies that enhance your consciousness. While gaining insight is crucial for change, the true transformation comes from understanding and applying these insights by becoming the compassionate authority over your life.
Achieve authentic living
I help overwhelmed individuals overcome perfectionism to live structured, fulfilling, and carefree lives. We're not chasing perfection. We're striving for peace, acceptance, and autonomy. Many perfectionists seek control to ease their anxiety, but what they truly desire is power. Power is vast, expansive, and timeless, while control is constricting, fear-based, and limited. I guide my clients to discern this difference in both the mind and body, leading to true liberation.
Read more from Eva Benmeleh
Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A book about divorce. She is committed to unraveling the polarities in pefectionism integrating the striving for personal growth with harmoious flow. She is committed to working with individuals open to compassionate yet astute feedback, expanding their awareness and making profound changes to the quality of their lives.
