Written by: Barbara Powell Love, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Over twenty-five years ago, I experienced the trauma of heartbreak, then divorce, losing someone whom I had considered to be the love of my life, my forever husband, lover, and best friend. The hurt, pain and betrayal seemed unbearable. I remember being so devastated that I was unable to eat, crying myself to sleep, and feeling like I just did not want to live anymore. I lost weight, and I could imagine someone just digging a hole and burying me in it. It seemed impossible for me to think about smiling again and I could not imagine ever finding love again, or trusting again, and most of all, never being able to move on through the pain. A pain felt so deeply within that it seemed like a death to me at that time.
“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” – Ecc. 3:1 KJV
It was difficult to process all the emotions of that loss. However, by the Grace of God, I was blessed by family and close friends who prayed for me and with me. I soon recognized that the heartaches were not the end of me. I learned that there is a time and a season for everything under the sun. The love, the laughter, the dancing, the planting, the embracing, the weeping, the mourning all had a season, and seasons change. It reminded me of the song that originated from the bible and was written by Pete Seger in the late 50’s, and later made into a hit by the Byrd’s in the 60’s. The words became my mantra for life.
I don’t believe that there is a to do list of things to make it easy to move on from the heartbreaks and other challenges in life, but by any means necessary, in order to live a life of quality, I had to acquire the gift to myself of moving on and finding peace where I was, right in the midst of the pain because there had to be brighter days ahead.
During my heartbreak, I blamed myself at first, and lamented about where I had gone wrong. I wondered if I should have done some things differently. At one point, I was even willing to fall to my knees and beg him to just love me again. I was like a little girl promising that I would behave if he gave me one more chance. I could not imagine my life without him. I wanted to tell him that he could do whatever he wanted, and I would be like putty in his hands. I had placed him on the pedestal of my life and dimmed my own light and his wish was my command. As the days turned into weeks, I learned that there was one too many people in the relationship, and that no matter what I would have done, no matter how perfect I had tried to be, my season had come to an end. In the end, I simply left the pieces of my heart on the floor, packed up my furnishings, filed for divorce, sold our house, and literally moved hundreds of miles away. A few years later, I wrote a book, Broken Promises, A Beebe Love Chronicle, about my experience and found that it was therapeutic for me.
As weeks turned into months, I would remember some of the good times and feel sad that they were gone. However, the times of sadness began to quickly dwindle, and I was able to still smile at the memories and feel no sadness or regret. Through prayer, I recognized that the person that I was trying to hold on to, was holding me back from beautiful possibilities. Life was too short for me to spend my time in that negative space. I could not soar like an eagle if I allowed myself to think like a chicken. That became my season of learning, growing, and moving on. I am appreciative of that season in my life because I learned to appreciate the woman that I would become. Without all of my seasons, especially that one, I would not be the person that I am today. Letting go, however, was not easy, but once I took that leap of faith to leave the pain behind, the peace and freedom was beautiful.
As I look back on my journey, I have learned how to look the challenges of life in the eye. Sometimes, I even give them a wink. Finding myself became an adventure. I found that there was something so much better ahead of me than the shattered pieces of my heart that I had left behind on the floor of my old house. I learned that unless I let the past go, unless I forgave him, and unless I came to recognize that it was simply a season that had ended, I could not move forward with my life.
Not only did I have to move forward, but I needed not to look back with regret, put the past behind me, and look forward to that something better waiting for me. It did not matter how strong the emotions that had assailed me, how heavy the hurt, or how and why my love story had tragically ended for me. I had to keep it moving. There was love waiting for me in my future and it was time to turn the page, so I did.
“My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness.” – Maya Angelou
I put on my big girl panties and made the decision that it was time for me to move on. It didn’t happen automatically or immediately. I had to drill it through my head that I was worth so much more, so that it didn’t matter how difficult this season was. My parents had instilled in me as a child that God would never put more on us than we could bare. I had to rise to the occasion, no matter how disappointed and hurt I had been. The hurt could have turned to anger, but I could not let that emotion get the best of me. I could not give him that much power over me. I had to move on with my life. Being able to move on is a valuable gift that I gave myself. It was an act of courage that had to be done in order to step out of my past and live my life to the fullest.
Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
I didn’t want to live a life of regret, wishing I could have had a different outcome. I didn’t want to allow all the negative emotions to assail me; the anger, the hurt, the sadness, and the regret, to prevent me from moving on. I learned not only to forgive him, but I learned to forgive myself for lowering my standards. Those chains that had me bound to him were too heavy, so they had to be broken. The weight of it all felt like I was carrying a sack of potatoes around my neck. The gift of letting go allowed me the gift of freedom and optimism. It wasn’t about forgetting what happened, it was all about what I learned from it. I could not allow this situation to dictate the rest of my life, not trusting, not being open to loving again. How could I ever find happiness in the future if I wrapped myself in a cloak of sadness? Not only would it not be a good look for me (I’m vain), but it would be mentally debilitating. I forgave him, not for him, but for me. It was liberating, healing, and crucial to my well-being. It gave me strength to walk away, and it was a valuable gift to myself. No one could give it except for me. So, in a nutshell, here is how I gifted myself the joy of peace, freedom, and moving on:
I Forgave Myself – I came to recognize the connection between acceptance and letting go. I had to let it go for my health and well-being. Holding on would have taken a toll on my mental health and would have made me feel stuck, and unable to move forward. Forgiveness was a vital part of healing. It is a powerful act of self-love.
I Forgave Him – Forgiving him was the key to me letting go. He was only human, and humans make mistakes. It allowed me to free myself from the negative chains of all the negative emotions that had threatened to build up in my mind, my heart, and my spirit. It allowed the bitterness that could have exploded within me to dissipate. It didn’t mean that I condoned any of the bad behavior, it simply meant that I set myself free from it all.
I Reflected Realistically – I looked back on the experience with realism and saw the relationship as what it was, not some fantasy that I had made up in my head of the knight in shining armor and me, the damsel to be swept off my feet. I reminded myself of the real issues in our relationship which led to the reasons why we could not stay together.
I Accepted What Was – I had to accept what had happened. I couldn’t change anything that had happened between us. I could only change how I reacted to it. It didn’t mean that I was happy about it, but I didn’t have to fight against it. I surrounded myself with people who truly loved me, my family, and a few friends. I needed positive energy from those who I knew would support me through that journey and they didn’t let me down. They prayed for me, they encouraged me, and they kept me accountable.
I Moved on With My Life – The gift was and is amazing! I looked back and asked myself, “What the hell were you holding on for?”
If you find yourself in a similar space, just know that you are valuable. You never have to give up your value in order to hold on to anyone. Be kind to yourself, and be open to gifting your heart the best gift ever…The Gift of Moving On.
Barbara A. Powell Love 'When love grows, love flows...'
Barbara Powell Love, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Barbara Powell Love is currently the Office Manager for a small medical practice. She earned a Bachelor of Science Degree concentrating in Business Development. Barbara is also the owner of Beebe Love's Beauty @www.beebelove.com, a blogging website to promote beauty, motivate, inform, provide mental stimulation, educate, inspire and encourage other women over 50 to embrace their inner beauty and pursue their dreams. Her blog focuses on personal development, leadership, and lifestyle. She encourages women to become Seasoned Beauties instead of becoming Senior Citizens.
