Written by: Antonie Ziegler, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I’m not good enough. Life is so hard and unfair. I never am appreciated for what I do. Tell me. Are there any other fears or negative beliefs that you tell yourself regularly that you want to add to this list? What do you tell yourself when you look into the mirror, or when you’re alone with no one else but your thoughts?
We all find ourselves caught in negative thought patterns. It’s a habit that’s really hard to break. Yet, these negative stories we tell ourselves, they don’t really serve us. If we were able to reflect on our thoughts and discover a different perspective, seeing them as lies, we would realize that behind these there is a part of us that just wants to be seen, heard, loved, and acknowledged for who we are – every part of us, especially the ones we see as ugly or wish to keep hidden.
Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote in Letters to a Young Poet:
“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”
This image of the dragon reflects your unwanted, negative thoughts, sweltering inside of you. They are scary. They make us anxious. And they can spiral out of control, if you let them, limiting you and consuming you. But that’s the thing. You’re always in control. You’re a co-creator. What you think and put meaning and energy toward, you begin to grow into. Those thoughts become you.
In his poem, Rilke beautifully transformed that image of the dragon as being something that’s scary and fearful into a lovable princess, who saw herself as being perfect just as she is, flaws and all. And you can step into this reality, too. By simply noticing the negative thoughts in your mind, you can start a process of discovery and realization that there’s a part of you that just wants to be seen and heard. It craves acknowledgment. It needs acceptance. And mainly from you.
Be honest: How often do you find yourself in thoughts of not being good enough, and like you’re wasting your time, with your life and dreams passing you by? That there’s this empty feeling of something missing deep inside, but you don’t know exactly what it is? In fact, you may feel anger, jealousy or resentment toward those who have what you don’t, with people and external circumstances irritating you so much that your reactions, views and emotions start to affect your choices, work and relationships.
You feel unworthy and undeserving, and believe that you’ll never get what you desire, even when things are going right. ‘No, that must be a fluke,’ you think to yourself, ‘people like me don’t get to have this.’ And so, you wait – you wait for the other shoe to drop. Because you know it’s coming. You can see it. You feel it. “It’s always like this,” you say. You are convinced today won’t be any different.
Hello, beautiful lies! You’ve just turned the key and opened a door into your negative mindset; a murky place in your subconscious that believes there’s no other way. What you’re thinking and feeling in this place is your inner dragon, awakening inside and reminding you that what you are experiencing is real. It’s safe here. It’s what you know.
And while it might not be pleasant, it is comfortable. Paradoxically, as it pushes you back into the dark crevices of your mind, it’s the only way for your inner dragon to keep you out of what it believes is harm’s way. At the same time, though, it keeps you stuck in your mind chatter (a dungeon of your own making), never letting you move forward toward a better version of you. It seems like this is one inner battle that can never be won. Or can it?
The lies my inner dragon tells me
One of my biggest struggles (and honestly, it took me a while to catch my inner dragon here) is my resentment toward my family members. American spiritual teacher Ram Dass once said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go and spend a week with your family.” This is so true. I thought I was enlightened. Well, sort of. After having done so much personal growth work, I believed I was different ‒ that I had finally let go of all that what was holding me back. But reality hits me each time I visit my family back home in Germany. There’s still more work to be done.
All of us can be very direct and harsh with each other. When you know that one of us is in a bad mood, don’t even attempt to ask a question, or comment on something in a funny way. It will not be taken well. At some inner level, I know this. And yet…
Somehow it still hits me like a car crash when one of my family members approaches me with a harsh and negative tone in their voice. Instead of letting it go, I find myself responding in the same voice, needing to defend myself. And my inner voice will whisper menacingly to me that I’m not appreciated for what I’m doing for them. That what I do never matters.
Is it true that I’m not appreciated? My inner dragon says, ‘Yes.’ But it’s a lie. A lie of my own making. A reality I created based on my past experiences, doubts and fears.
This isn’t the only negative thought my inner dragon tries to ignite in me. I bet those of you who are entrepreneurs can relate to this: I have a tendency of wanting to write the perfect social media post. I brood over the words, sometimes not knowing how to express myself. In these painfully drawn-out moments, I keep telling myself, “You are not a writer. A writer wouldn’t take so long. Why are you so slow?”
What’s the result? I find myself procrastinating and doing something else.
Full disclosure: That’s exactly what happened when I was writing this article. I say this, to show you that I’m not perfect. I still struggle with this. And while I love sharing my thoughts and wisdom with you, the negative voice does sometimes still rear its ugly head, lingering in my mind.
Now does this mean that I am bad writer because it takes me so long? My inner dragon says “Yes.” But the princess in me knows that writing is a process. It’s not a race. As long as I keep learning from it, strengthening my art and touching even one person with my words who may be suffering like I once was, I know I’m making a difference. To me, it’s no longer about perfection. It’s about impact. It’s about what my words do for others.
Be cautious of your inner dragon
Now the caveat here is that my inner dragon tries to be my friend. It wants to protect me from others who it thinks won’t wish me well. It wants to protect me from feeling bad when my post or article is not well-written by trying to divert my attention to something else. It makes me want to be anywhere but where I am.
I imagine your inner dragon has the same intention.
This inner dragon is your ego talking to you all day long. It pretends to know what is good for you, and what is bad. And it will fight to get what it thinks you need.
Your inner dragon makes you believe you need to react with resentment, anger, guilt, shame, anxiety…
But you always have a choice
Your inner dragon has a big ego that doesn’t want to change. Why should it? It has worked hard all these years, decades even, making you believe in its powerful voice. What it says hasn’t always been comfortable for you, some of it has actually been pretty painful, but it’s your shield of armor, protecting you from the unknown and unfamiliar. Why would you ever want to let that armor fall? Why would you step onto a crevice, not knowing how you’re going to make it to the other side?
I won’t sugarcoat things. Yes, change is scary. It can have its hard moments. And it takes a lot of effort, trust and discipline.
But what if you were to try it out and discover that what lies behind your inner dragon’s voice is not a dark abyss that you endlessly fall into, but instead a beautiful princess who wants to bring you closer to your dreams and your empowered true self? Wouldn’t the fleeting fear be worth it then?
Let your inner princess shine a light on what truly matters
Let’s have another moment of honesty: What do you tend to do when those negative thoughts enter your mind?
Do you put on a happy face?
Do you get angry and lash out?
Do you feel tension in your body?
What if I told you that you can snap out of it – and pretty quickly? That you can let your inner princess wear her crown and lead the way toward serenity, joy and love?
The first thing I do when I get angry with one of my family members is I either recognize what’s happening in the moment, or I recall the situation afterward. I start this process by acknowledging my thoughts, such as, “No matter what I do, it’s never right.” I try to feel the emotion behind it. First, it’s anger. Eventually, the anger turns into sadness. I don’t let the emotion linger, though. I move into the next step.
Taking a deep breath in, I put a hand on my heart and tell myself that it’s not true that I’m not appreciated. I let myself see that this individual who was trying to hurt me is going through a very hard time and is projecting their frustration onto me. With this insight, I’m able to see this person with loving eyes and realize that we both are struggling with our inner dragons and just want to be loved.
I walk the same process when I struggle with my writing. I take a few breaths, and I consciously decide to start and finish at a certain time, knowing that when I stop that it will be perfect the way it is. I’m enough ‒ as perfect or imperfect the writing might be. The thing about something being perfect is that it never really is: it’s always evolving, just like I am and my stories.
And you can evolve, too. All you have to do is want to go from surviving to thriving. That’s the first step: envisioning that you too can be enough and can have it all.
4 courageous steps to challenge your negative mindset
The invitation here is to transform your inner dragon and listen to the real message it’s trying to tell you. Open your heart and take these steps. Your emotional freedom awaits on the other side of your fear.
1. First, I want you to notice when your inner dragon is at work.
Recognize the moment when your mind is in a negative, fearful or judgmental mode. What’s the trigger? Is it someone’s tone of voice, a specific word, or a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable?
2. Acknowledge what’s there.
Acknowledge the thoughts you have and say, “Oh, there you are again. I hear you.” Do you feel the tension in your body like tightness in your chest, grinding your teeth, or even a blocked throat? That’s how fear, anger, anxiety, sadness, or grief manifests in your body. Bring awareness to the negative emotions. Don’t fear them, embrace them. They are trying to tell you something.
3. Pause and quiet your state of mind
Take a breath and connect with one or more of your senses. Do this for the length of three deep breaths. I like to connect with my body, putting a hand on my heart as I’m doing this step. Next, look what’s around you. Touch objects, noticing their texture and their shape. Take a moment to listen. What do you hear? Perhaps it’s the rustling of the leaves outside on the grass, or the soft pitter patter of your dog running around? All these things help to get yourself out of your busy, ego-centric mind and into a place of clarity and awareness of the moment. Center your senses around that. Be fully present in the moment.
4. Ask yourself what really matters right now.
Once you get this far, you have the opportunity to understand what’s really important to you in that moment when you got triggered. You have a choice to either continue staying in the negative mindset or step out of it and question your inner dragon’s voice.
Ask yourself: Is it really true?
Finding stillness enables you to untangle from your negative mind chatter. You are able to question your own thoughts, the other person’s behavior, the situation you’re in. And you start seeing your inner dragon in a different light. It transforms right in front of you into the princess that wants to share her wisdom and insight with you.
Your princess will tell you that you’re good enough, perfectly loved the way you are now. You will be able to discern what really matters from a wise point of view. And you might notice that the other person has their own inner dragon that makes them show up in ways that trigger you.
Take small steps every day
Creating a new habit is not an overnight thing as your inner dragon doesn’t want to be challenged. You might hardly notice any change in the beginning, and you will tell yourself, “What’s the point in doing this?” Your inner dragon will love you for questioning yourself.
Do this process in small steps. Start with catching yourself when you are in a negative mindset, right in the moment or when you remember. You will slowly notice a shift in your emotional state as your awareness grows.
Don’t judge yourself when you aren’t able to do it. We humans are habitual creatures just like our inner dragons, and don’t particularly enjoy change. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you take steps in your personal growth journey, and your inner princess will be able to show up and tell you the truth of what really matters.
If you're done with the negative mindset and want to make a shift toward a life that is more than just fine and become the person you desire to be, send me an email to antonie.ziegler@gmail.com to open the door to an effortless flow of balance, joy, abundance and connection. Your life can be meaningful, all you have to do is turn the key. The rest will flow as we rediscover you together.
Antonie Ziegler, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Antonie Ziegler is an intuitive life alignment coach who helps mid-life driven women and high-functioning, burnt-out CEOs on a holistic healing journey to wake up to their truest selves and align with their desires, so that they can live a joyful, intentional and impactful life.
In 2016, Antonie was struggling with a toxic relationship: the one with herself. She was knee-deep in the trenches of hopelessness, anger, chaos and emotional pain. Antonie had reached a stage in her life where she realized she was not only hurting herself but everyone around her, and if she continued down this road, she knew she’d not only be alone, but living a life of self-hatred and restraint in a prison of her own making. She had to break free.
As she battled her inner dragon and finally took responsibility for her thoughts, feelings and actions, she came to realize that there was nothing wrong with her; that she was perfect just as she was, flaws and all. It was then that she found the YOU, UNFILTERED methodology, which shook her out of victim mode and completely altered her life (a method she currently uses to work through deep emotional pain with her clients as she leads them toward healing), allowing her to climb out of lifelong misery into authentic joy and wholehearted self-acceptance, where she is living her vision each and every day.
After decades of being her own worst critic and feeling disconnected from herself and her desires, Antonie became conscious of the deep-level damage our beliefs, negative-self talk and thoughts create in our lives. Since then, Antonie has made it her mission to wake women up to the beauty and power they hold within, so they can move beyond their self-doubt, perfectionism, anxiety and confusion into a place of tranquility, connection and wonder.
If you’re ready to fall back in love with yourself, step into living your fullest expression, and create a path to life that feels right, then get in touch with Antonie today.
