Written by: Maxime Bonnasserre, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Recently I’ve viewed a short video by a psychologist, suggesting that we can build a life around grief. Even though the pain and sorrow of losing someone may still remain, the psychologist stated, new moments of love and experiences can still build around it. I hope you do not believe this and this is what I’d like to explore with you today.
There Is Another Way
Listening to this video, from a highly respected person that has a tremendous following on social media, I sat there in some awe and sadness! Is this how we want to live our life I wonder?
Believing that, by default, we have to live with the pain of lost perpetually, while holding on to new experiences of happiness and other good moments to secure some joy; I assure you that there is a higher state than this one.
Then, my mother came to mind. She lost her two best friends to cancer many years ago and I can still see how she is suffering from it. I never had a conversation about that with her, hence perhaps this my first step in order to help her and you find peace if you find yourself in the same predicament.
How We See Death Is How We See Life
Interestingly enough, when exploring death, one must have to see the intimate links it has with how we see life. Why?
Simply because if we are amongst those who suffer from grief, we can uncover that we are holding on to what has already passed! In this case a person, the memories, the moments we could have had, etc. In life, similarly, this person will also have the same habits vis-à-vis situations, people and circumstances.
If for instance, I do not appreciate a comment that my partner has said, since it was hurtful (according to me), and I put myself in resistance mode; this could be the start of a short or a long period of time where I’ll suffer! I’ll suffer because I will not accept what happened, demanding that it should have been said differently so I could not be hurt. Who's making that demand?
It is the lower part of your being, your ego, being brushed up and hurt. It is the part of you that connects that comment from your partner to a similar experience that you went through at another time in your life. Negative emotions and thoughts have been associated with that and they are being reenacted now by … you! Your partner is only the cue that sparks what was already inside.
Our relationship with grief is the same. We love someone and we are unable to accept that they are no longer there. Whatever the reason might be. We could be angry that life is so unjust, we could wonder why the god we believe in would do that, we could be angry at the one who passed because he kept the bad habits going even though of our warnings, etc.
The end result is the same: I do not accept the reality that is unfolding in front of me, I resist it based on my current views and/or past experiences and I suffer!
The dog barks but the caravan moves on
My coach Alan got this saying from her teacher: “The dog barks but the caravan moves on”! In this analogy, we are the ones barking and life is the caravan (the person that passes away, the comment from our partner).
There is no point in fighting this natural process of life! If one thing is for sure, we came into this world and we will leave it! I can already hear you: Yes but what about the child that dies from illness, the friend, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather that leaves too soon when there is still so much to experiences with them?
This is a contract in which we have no control nor no fine prints in order to prevent it from happening. What kind of God would do that? No God would do that since it is not his/her fault nor doing. God or whichever forces or denomination you might believe in does not take life, it only gives it!
Perhaps an interesting starting point to contemplate! What would that mean about death, and the death of what?
All spiritual traditions agree in saying the following: We are spiritual beings living a human experience! Could such beings ever die!?
But we are meant to believe quite the opposite. We live life according to our senses and our body experiments. If I’m no longer here to experience it this way, than that’s it! Psychology will teach us that we are the sum of our learned experiences. Hence stacking up a bunch of other happy moments, purposes, goals, dreams on top of sorrow will probably make us a little more at peace and whole! Yet we’ll still have periodic moments of pain when we are reminded of our loved ones that left us!
Yes, of course, because we keep the pain inside and never let it go!
This is a very limiting view of the great being that you are! You are capable of making peace with grief. Whether you start the process intellectually, metaphysically or spiritually … it will all lead you to the same conclusions.
You are the answer to the suffering you feel
Love, compassion, and the right understanding of the reality that you are; have no place for grief.
Don’t get me wrong, it will sting, there is going to be some pain, that’s normal! But you are capable of letting go, honoring the process of life, the life of your loved ones, knowing that one day that it will also be your time!
Would you wish upon those that love you to feel the same way you feel about the ones you lost, and are suffering over?
With peace and love!
Maxime Bonnasserre, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Maxime (Max) Bonnasserre is a life coach, spiritual teacher, speaker and writer. Not a guru, nor a master, he’s a simple loving man that got to free himself from his own worst enemy … himself!
His soul journey had him go through common themes: unworthiness, difficulties in relationships, financial struggles, pursuit of titles, money, possessions, a lack of meaning and faith.
It is the hero's journey through healing, growing and trust that saved him and that can help you! Inspired by ancient wisdom and spirituality, his teaching and coaching are simple but transformative. Meant to inspire and guide you towards more inner peace, freedom and love. Find him here!
