Written by: Mirthu Alfred S, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We’ve all been subject to social comparison at some point in our lives; I sure have been. I grew up in a culture where social comparison was normalized behavior, with little to no awareness of its impact on the individual. I’ve been compared to my peers and strangers at different phases of my life while growing up, including as an adult and a parent, even by people I don’t consider close.
When I look back to when I was growing up, I understand that my loved ones meant well and did it with the hopes that the comparison would help me get inspired and motivated to do and be better. However, reflecting on the experience, I feel its effect on me was the opposite.
As much as we understand the intentions behind words and actions, it is safe to acknowledge that being subject to social comparison isn’t pleasant, and at times, some people use it to belittle and hurt others.
As a child, every time there was a moment of comparison, I received the message that I was not good enough, that I should do and be more, or be an entirely different person than who I was to be good enough. It also did something else; it blinded me to my strengths, weaknesses, and talents. Personally, the feeling of not being good enough followed me well into my adulthood and parenthood. Not only was this message coming from the outside, but my inner critic learned the pattern of social comparison, became the judge of my “good enough-ness,” used others as my scale of progress, and kept forcing me to look outward for my inspiration and answers.
Even though the feeling of not being good enough has several layers to it, and social comparison is just one aspect of it, the impact it has on our psyche is not something we can take lightly.
It is one thing when the comparison comes from the external; however, when our inner critic makes that constant comparison and convinces us that we are not good enough, it affects our sense of worthiness. It weighs us down to the point where we don’t feel safe enough to show up in our true essence. This is one of the many reasons I believe most of us struggle with imposter syndrome. I’ve observed that the burden of social comparison significantly brings down our inspiration and motivation to be who we are and explore our creative expression.
To make it clear, learning and drawing inspiration and motivation from others is entirely acceptable; it is, without a doubt, one way for us to learn and grow, but it becomes limiting when we do it with feelings of self-judgment, guilt, and shame. On the other hand, if we do it from a place of love, compassion, and grace for ourselves, that would make a huge difference in how we show up and express our true essence.
How about you? What’s your experience with social comparison? How did it, or how does it make you feel?
Has your inner critic learned this pattern? Does your inner critic make you feel less than? Does your inner critic make you feel you must second guess and doubt yourself? Does your inner critic increase the feelings of distrust within you?
If the answer to any or all the above questions is a “yes,” then I invite you to do some self-reflection and give yourself permission to take charge of your inner critic and let the child within you know that you got this!
Why consider re-parenting in this context?
It’s important to remember that most of us birthed the inner critic as children, and as such, one of the responsibilities of our inner critic is to keep us safe within our comfort zone and out of trouble. Therefore, to deprogram and unlearn the pattern, the child within us must feel safe and reassured before we can relearn a new way of being that feels aligned with our adult self.
What to expect, and how can you re-parent yourself in this context?
As you have moments of self-reflection, you may begin to grieve, mourn, and even feel anger around the “what was.” Why? Because you may begin to realize everything you’ve “lost” due to the pattern of comparison and striving to meet the standard set by others, culture, or society. You may realize that you did not take the time to pay attention to yourself, your strengths, weaknesses, talents, and what feels aligned for you. You may realize that you were constantly paying attention to someone else’s progress and scale while you did not even take the time to create a scale that aligns with your journey.
When this happens, give yourself permission and space to feel the grief and anger that comes to the surface, and once you feel ready, give your inner critic permission to let the guard down; teach your inner critic that you are safe, that you are now the adult, capable of taking charge of the situation. Kind and intentional self-talk can be as impactful as our inner critic’s harsh and critical self-talk!
Learning new ways of being and thinking means there will be uncertainty, and it is natural for the child within you to feel terrified and unsafe during times of uncertainty. This is where your wise adult self or inner parent comes in to reassure and team up with the child within you and say, “We got this!” Reassure the child within you that “it is okay to have feelings of uncertainty,” “it is okay to have feelings of unsafety,” “it is okay to connect with feelings of safety,” and that they can trust you as you learn new ways of being without the constant chatter of comparison and an external scale of who you are and where you should be.
Returning to the fact that we come with our unique signature, gifts, skills, strengths, weaknesses, and challenges is essential. Of course, we can draw inspiration and motivation from one another, work, and grow together as a community; still, at the end of the day, we must figure out our journey and what best works for us, and who else knows better about us and our path than ourselves?
How does addressing the pattern of social comparison within us help our children?
The moment we stop playing the game of comparison ourselves, we will stop repeating the pattern with our children. In turn, they can breathe a little more freely without the chains of social comparison and trust themselves, build a confident sense of self, and cultivate their self-worth.
Thank you for being here and for taking the time to read!
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Mirthu Alfred S, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Mirthu is an Inner Parenting Coach, passionate about conscious re-parenting. Stepping into motherhood in 2014 led Mirthu to become intentional about her self-healing journey; however, in 2020, she realized she needed to go deeper into her healing and discovered re-parenting. Her healing, transformation, and learning inspired her to find purpose in safely holding space for others on a re-parenting journey of healing, breaking patterns, and connecting with and nurturing their younger selves. Mirthu believes every (inner) child is worthy of being heard, seen, held, and validated. Because at the end of the day, we all seek compassion, to be accepted, acknowledged, and deeply understood.
