Written by: Nancy Oblete, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Even the best of us encounter days when our communication falters. We may unintentionally say something hurtful or do something that leaves emotional wounds for our partner. Repairing these hurts is essential for restoring intimacy and sustaining a secure connection between couples.
In the story of John and Rita, trust issues have arisen in their marriage. John struggles to trust Rita, fearing she might leave if faced with challenges. On the other hand, Rita insists she is committed to their relationship, but when John needs to open up, he turns to his friend Josh instead. This pattern has persisted for five years, with Rita lamenting that it wasn't always this way; John used to be more open earlier in their marriage.
John traces the root of his trust issues back to a fight during their second year of marriage. In the heat of the argument, Rita expressed concerns that they may have rushed into marriage, suggesting it might have been a mistake. John was deeply affected by her words and hasn't been able to trust her since. Rita, however, dismisses the incident and its insignificance because it happened long ago.
Unknowingly to Rita, her dismissal makes things worse for John and contributes to his inability to trust her. Repairs become crucial in such conflicts, preventing lasting impacts on the couple's connection. Couples skilled in the art of repair can mend ruptures, preventing events from negatively affecting their relationship. The longer a couple allows a hurt to go unaddressed, the more likely it will impact their intimacy.
Here are steps to an effective emotional repair
1. Acceptance of the need to talk
Acknowledge that when one partner wants to discuss issues, it is in the best interest of both partners to engage in that conversation. Minimising the impact of words or actions leaves the other person feeling undervalued or unloved.
2. Understanding the hurt
Allow the hurt partner to express their feelings. Letting them articulate their pain while actively listening helps them release their emotions and feel heard. Asking a question such as, "What part hurt you the most?" can be beneficial for both of you to understand and clarify the situation.
3. Active listening
Repeat what you understand and ask clarifying questions to ensure complete comprehension of the hurt partner's perspective.
4. Exploring enduring vulnerabilities
Inquire if their hurt is part of an enduring vulnerability. We each are sensitive in areas where we have been hurt in past relationships or with our first family. Understanding the history of this sensitivity and how it reflects in your relationship is vital for mutual caretaking. Questions to ask - is there a history behind how you felt, or did something in the past make this event particularly painful for you?
5. Apologise for the hurt caused
Offer a sincere apology after understanding the source of the hurt. A heartfelt apology responds to the pain in a way that fosters healing of the emotional wound caused and deepens connection. However, it's vital to accompany a genuine apology with behavioural changes.
6. Planning for improvement
Discuss strategies to handle similar situations better in the future. Being responsive to our partners is not just about being there for them; it is about being there in meaningful ways for them. It is vital to enhancing trust. Examples of questions to ask include, what can I do in the future to prevent you from feeling …, or how can I help you feel better?
Remember, healing conversations are not about rehashing the original conflict. Trying to clarify what you said or arguing on the facts would probably lead back into fighting. Repair conversations are about each partner's subjective experience during the event and should be respected.
Nancy Oblete, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nancy Oblete is a marriage and relationship coach, a master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistics Programming, a public speaker and a teacher. She believes that the approach to marriage coaching should be holistic, taking into account financial growth, behavioural, trauma and addiction challenges, in addition to their relationship dynamics, to assist couples in having and maintaining a stable and happy home. Her teaching starts from the core, addressing the human factor and psychology.
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