Written by: Dilys Brighty-Schmidt, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever been in a situation where the person you are with, is regaling a problem they are having, or a situation they were involved in, and about halfway through the conversation, you have zoned out? Not really listening anymore. Or perhaps, the incident they are talking about is one that is similar to one you have had, and it’s more important for you to empathize, as you see it, and tell them what you have experienced, cutting them off at the pass, with your own story?
It’s not to say that you are not a caring and compassionate person, it is just that you haven’t fully understood that what is being told to you is important from the teller’s point of view. Their viewpoint, and by not being interrupted, gives them time to relate what has happened to them, and for the listener to experience it in full, instead of just fragments of the conversation, I understand that Coaches, in whichever field they excel, are trained to listen to their clients. If they don’t, then how is the client going to benefit from coaching? By acknowledging what has been said by the client, and mirroring what it is they have been saying, creates not only a trust that what they have related truly matters, but also helps the coach to understand what the client wants, what challenges they are facing, and how effectively the coach can guide and lead them to making good choices for themselves.
So, listening, and gathering information is very important. Even in a group situation it is important what a trainer or speaker is conveying, in terms of knowledge and expertise. Concentrating can be hard, but it is really about mindset. Going into a meeting with the idea that it is going to be boring, or the same information will be given, as it always has been, stops us from opening ourselves up to the possibility that there might be an incredible insight, or nugget of information that is transformative. Perhaps, not every time, but that light bulb moment may be at any time during that meeting!
SO HOW CAN WE BE MORE EFFECTIVE LISTENERS?
It definitely takes time to reach that level of patience, whereby listening becomes the norm. We can practice with friends or colleagues, to see how many times they are interrupted, or if there is a necessity to empathise with an “own story.” Then reverse to the teller, and likewise, see how many times you are interrupted, even with the best of intentions.
Also, creating that initial quiet space beforehand is sometimes a good idea. Taking five minutes, with some deep breaths, to calm the atmosphere creates a less charged moment, if it is something that the teller has not told anyone else, and maybe affecting them detrimentally.
It may be a work-related situation, or a family situation, both of which can affect a person’s ability to function well. By telling a coach, their office manager, or friend, it is something that needs to be divulged. we, as the listener, therefore, also need to relax, and ready ourselves to take in what is being said, perhaps writing notes, and concentrating on the teller’s story.
As listeners, we are also not there to judge, merely a conduit for helping someone go through their story, acknowledging what they have said, thanking them for sharing their story, and mirroring what has been said. This then is telling the story twice, which in turn affirms to the listener that they have been heard and understood. The listener may then be able to be guided and helped by asking non-judgemental and open-ended questions to see how a negative situation can be turned around. Understanding if there is a possibility of seeing things from a different perspective.
Of course, it may be something that is not within the realm of the listener. If there is a mental health disturbance, being harassed or bullied in some way, then it is up to the listener to help find the right authority or person that deals with such situations. Yet, by listening attentively and compassionately, helps the teller to feel heard and acknowledged, and may begin to start the healing process.
ROLE-PLAYING TECHNIQUES!
How many times has someone told you that they have excellent listening skills, but then interject every few minutes? Or have told you to go ahead and you won’t be interrupted until you have finished, especially in role-playing techniques, and then immediately find a flaw in the role-playing, and wish to correct it immediately? The worst possible scenario. Not only does it throw everything off, but it is also an obvious distraction.
Listening to the end of the role-playing or your partner, not only shows respect, it will also enable you to learn patience. To be patient, listening and gathering information tells us that it is not about you or your needs, but about the other person, their vulnerabilities, their wants and desires, and the need to be heard and recognized.
Listening, taking in information and subsequently relaying that information back, sets in motion a clarity for the teller. To hear their information from another source can help them understand and have a clearer sense of what they are saying. How their information sounds coming from another source. From there, the information can then be discussed to see a way forward.
Listening is an art, and I believe it has to be practiced. So, happy listening!
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Dilys Brighty-Schmidt, Executive Contributor, Brainz Magazine
Dilys Brighty-Schmidt is a Transformational Health and Life Coach, who is dedicated to helping women 50+ and beyond achieve success in their health, fitness and life situations, that need change, more commitment and nourishment. Her coaching also includes programs in Type 2 Diabetes and Heart Health, two major health problems that increase with age. Through her previous work as a diet consultant for over six years, with a brand diet company in the USA, she realized how difficult it was for many clients to sustain their weight loss or reach their goals. Health and Life Coaching has given her that much-needed knowledge to help her clients understand that lifestyle changes, as well as habits and behavior changes, are instrumental in their success.
Her mantra is “Transformation Begins With You.”
