Written by: Chris Lake, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Toddlers throw tantrums. It's par for the course, right? It's also a big part of why the "terrible twos" gets its moniker. But what is really going on? What happens on the inside during this pint-sized firestorm? There may be a lot more than you expect. Let's dig in and discover not only what is happening but what you can do in response to the tantrums that the tumultuous twos throw at us.
We've all been there. You're ready to leave the playground, the store, or the party… and your little one quickly begins to engage in a panicked negotiation. You already know. You feel the first beads of sweat begin to form. As your mouth utters the answer your little one does NOT want to hear, you see their little fists ball up and you anticipate the inevitable tantrum that is already in the process of unfolding. Now at this point, the strategies we use differ. Some offer cell phones with YouTube locked and loaded (or other bribes) to appease their mini monster. Others may scoop up their little fireball and simply walk away while their tiny body explodes in screams and flailing limbs. And still others will try to reason with their little one as best they can.
Most have found limited success with all three of these strategies, at least in terms of preventing the reoccurrence. However, when you better understand what is biologically happening, it will help you adjust to what is behaviorally happening. But first things first. Where exactly is the tantrum happening? As in where in the body? If you said "the brain" – you are correct. Go give yourself a snack as a reward. However, if the brain were real estate, it would have a multitude of neighborhoods. And one neighborhood that is particularly in control of emotions is the Amygdala. This has historically been referred to as our threat detection system. And when this is triggered, emotions are fired at a rapid rate that both you and your little one have no control over. Now add on to this fact that the hypothalamus also wants in on the action. And this part of the brain has control over body temperature and hormones. So when the hypothalamus is firing off with the amygdala it makes for a fearsome combo. Mind you, the judgement center of our brain - the prefrontal cortex - is of little help as it isn't fully developed until our mid-twenties. So impulse control and reasoning aren't at all featured during these outbursts.
So what do you do?
First and foremost, check your own neurology. Simply put – take a deep breath. Think of it like oxygen on a turbulent plane. You need to secure the 'mask of calm' on yourself before you attempt to aid or enhance anyone else's calm. Breathe deep and slow. Then make sure the area is safe and how they tantrum won't lead to them hurting either themselves or others – regardless of whether it is accidentally or intentionally. This means your job is also to clear potential hazards calmly and to physically prevent their hands and feet from causing any harm.
Next, bear in mind that they are in a heightened emotional and hormonal state topped off with a potential psychogenic fever. Their amygdala and hypothalamus are firing off in response to perceiving an inescapable threat. So what is immediately useful is to appear as unthreatening as possible. How? A simple way to do this is to avoid reacting in an annoyed, angry, or exasperated manner. Their brain is picking up on your verbal language, body language, and facial cues throughout. So lie (yes, lie!) with your body to communicate that "all is well." Aim to be a calm fixed point patiently waiting for your little one to better understand the situation. As parents, we are both active guides that navigate new territory with our little life explorers and also a fixed point of truth. And when a tantrum comes in response to a logical limit or boundary, then it is our duty to be the fixed point of truth that delivers this factual limit or boundary without flexibility in the manner. This is very uncomfortable! Both for your child and for those not used to being in a leadership role. However, the earlier a child learns this, the more coachable they will be throughout life, which leads them towards success not only in their careers but also across social relationships.
Now two ways to "lie with your body" are through your posture and your breathing. Like many animals, we are hard-wired to perceive animals that have smaller bodies as less threatening. Within species, we see the intentional shrinking of one's body as a demonstration of either submission or non-aggression. Use this info to your advantage. Crouching down to eye level and keeping your arms tight to your body, sends a powerful signal directly to their amygdala that you are a non-threat (or at least less of a threat than at the outstart of the tantrum). And while this does not immediately shut down the tantrum, it will significantly cut down the time. Next, take demonstrative and slow breaths very audibly. This sends a signal to your child's hypothalamus which allows it to begin to mirror the slower breathing. As a result, body temp and hormone production will now start to chill out.
At this point, your job is to simply wait. I recommend pulling out your phone and hitting up the stopwatch option to find out the answer to this equation:
X = exactly how long it takes for my child to finally stop crying (if I don't give in). Find X.
When they finally stop crying – which is a guaranteed inevitability – hit stop to find your X. You now have the longest time they will likely ever cry in this scenario again. And when you test it next time, this knowledge is like learning you have a superpower. Every time you repeat this process the tantrums will become shorter and less intense until they are completely a thing of the past. Be that fixed point of truth.
After you have found X, shift gears into appreciation mode. "Thank you for calming yourself down." This simple phrase begins to teach your child they have control over their emotions. And the sooner they learn this concept the better. You can use whatever phrase you like, but offering a kind expression of praise for pulling themselves together helps with the final part of the process: Explain the limitation or boundary. Use language they can grasp and do your best to explain the "why" behind the limit. Then offer them consolation that later (if they do good listening) they can still earn a favored snack or treat. This helps realign the wheels of their mental train to focus on good to come and the fact that good can still come. The caveat is that they will earn this later, in a different environment, for following rules, being kind, or another unrelated opportunity. If you were to cave in this moment to give them what they initially wanted, they are way more likely to learn the tantrum was ultimately effective instead of 'calming myself down' was rewarded. The limit remains the limit. But that doesn't mean your love is limited!
While none of this is easy at first, like any discipline, it gets easier with practice. So give it a go and keep at it! Tantrums really can be a thing of the past, so long as you act with respect to their neurology and communicate to your kids with a consistent and kind calmness. Our kids need us to be their comfort and their guides. As you guide them through big emotions, they will learn to both trust you and respect you more and more. So stay the course. You got this!
Chris Lake, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Chris Lake is a neurodiverse native New Yorker who has worked with children with various developmental delays across the past two decades. He is the author of award-winning book "Help Your Toddler Meet Their Milestones: 101 Behavior Hacks." Through his parent consulting brand - Behavior Booster - he offers content on social media, hosts parent workshops, and provides educational materials that further help with understanding milestones, how to reach them, and how to navigate around challenging behaviors. Chris Lake is dedicated to healing and transformation. His ultimate goal is to make parenting easier.
