Written by: Dr. Clinton Bullock, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Both personally and professionally, I have witnessed countless relationships break down, due to ineffectual ways of communicating. People destroy the relationship with themselves and with others because of ego, selfishness, the inability to control their emotions, and other types of dysfunctions.
The following will give light to seven of the top communication “rules” (based on my bestselling book, “The 18 Rules of Engagement to Interpersonal Communication”) that serve as a guide and provide you with the some of the major communication skills to confront any situation and to cultivate the most effective and empowering relationship with yourself and with others.
Rule No. 3—Be Intentional
Everything you say must be in line with the end result. Does your means justify the end goal? If you head into your boss’ office and become belligerent, you most likely will not have a job following that exchange. If you value the relationship with the other person, then what you tell them must be in accordance with what you ultimately want. For example, with respect to a personal relationship, you can't tell someone that you hate them, despite the fact that you still want to be with them. Focus on the end goal, and the way that you address the other party should always be in alignment with said goal.
Rule No. 5—Be Responsive
Giving someone your undivided attention is key to starting off a critical or sensitive conversation well. When someone talks to you and you don't look at them or if you are multitasking, it is reasonable to believe that you aren't paying attention. In that, when talking to someone, make sure that you are genuinely focused on the conversation at hand. Giving eye contact and nodding your head (as if you understand that which is being said by the other party) is paramount; and this will set the tone for the conversation at hand.
Rule No. 6—No Name Calling
It is important to maintain decorum and to not name call the person you're talking to. The latter relates back to the third rule: Be Intentional. Name calling the person with whom you hope to build and maintain a strong relationship is not in line with acquiring a positive outcome. Maintaining respect is key and allows you to control yourself in any situation, even in those that are emotional. The point here is to separate the person from the action. None of us are perfect, and if we were called “dumb” for every “dumb” decision that we made, we’d never grow. They key is to focus on the action and not the person. When this happens, name calling becomes unnecessary.
Rule No. 8—Never Say Things You Don’t Mean
Many people say things that they don’t mean when they become emotionally elevated. They apologize later, but the damage has already been done. Saying things you don't actually mean violates most people's end game and gives light to a lack of integrity. If you were to tell your partner that you were going to end your relationship with them (personally or professional) many times over, for example, but didn't actually mean it, your integrity is compromised, and this act of manipulation damages the relationship to great degrees. So, remain focused, and only say things that you mean, even if that means saying less.
Rule No. 13—Accept When You Are Wrong
Please note that you do not have the right to be wrong and be defensive at the same time. Deep down inside, you know when you are wrong. Apologize immediately. Place your ego aside for the betterment of self and the relationship. The ego hates to be humbled or "checked." If you allow your ego to rule you, your integrity will be compromised, and your relationships will suffer. Admit guilt as quickly as possible so that the healing process may begin for you and the party in question.
Rule No. 15—Your Mood Shouldn’t Dictate Your Manners
My ex-boss used to come to work in various moods, and the amount to which the door was open was proportional to her mood. For instance, if she was in a good mood, her door was completely open. When she was in a bad mood, her door was completely shut; and if she was in a so-so mood, her door was half open (which meant “proceed with caution”). My door always remained open, irrespective of my mood. Emotional discipline is key to better relationships.
Personally, it is quite easy to come home from a bad day at work and slam the door after you've walked in. It's also simple to become rude with your family or significant other when you're upset about something. Venting is fine, but taking your uncontrolled, unfiltered emotions out on someone is tantamount to emotional tyranny. Remember: communicate the pain that you're feeling without having someone else pay for the pain that you're feeling.
Rule No. 18—Properly Postpone the Conversation
Intense conversations can be just that...intense. If you feel overwhelmed, or if you feel that you simply can’t resolve the situation, postpone the conversation. Simply put, state out loud that you’d like to postponement the conversation. Then, it remains the responsibility of the person who postpones the conversation to bring it back up within 24 hours. Doing so allows both parties to breathe, process information, and calm down before resuming the next day.
Moving Forward
If you find that the relationship with yourself or with others suffers from ineffectual communication methods, contact us for a complimentary coaching call, and we’ll assist you in mastering communication and developing the conflict resolution skills needed to build and/or heal any relationship.
Or, you may pick up your copy of the 5x No. 1 New Release and the 3x Top 10 Bestseller, “The 18 Rules of Engagement to Interpersonal Communication” here.
Dr. Clinton Bullock, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Clinton Bullock is the author of the best-selling book, “The 18 Rules of Engagement to Interpersonal Communication.” He is also the founder of Clinton Bullock Worldwide—a high-performance coaching practice that specializes in assisting professionals, entrepreneurs, and aspiring high achievers in overcoming self-sabotaging and other dysfunctional behaviors, so that they may function at extraordinary levels by living efficiently and creating a life that is professionally successful and personally fulfilled.
