Written by: Ann Marie Taylor, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Christmas is the most stressful time of the year for relationships. Unfortunately, despite being the season of ‘goodwill to all men’ it seems that the Christmas holiday is the most difficult one for relationships. The first Monday back at work in the new year, is famously known by lawyers as ‘divorce day’ because sadly, it’s the busiest day of the year for people filing for divorce. Clearly the stresses, strain and financial pressures of the holiday period are too much for many struggling relationships.
So, if your relationship is already feeling the strain, what can you do to protect it?
Research found that divorce begins with very simple things being neglected ( the all important ‘maintenance’ of the relationship) and that this undermines its essential foundation of friendship.
This then leads to a cascading domino effect of both people increasingly feeling unloved, uncared for, hurt and neglected. In this fertile ground the two major patterns of relationship breakdown grow: escalating conflict and drifting apart.
These are five signs that the underlying friendship is in good shape:
You feel that your partner understands you and hears what you say.
There is a relaxed, supportive atmosphere in your home.
You enjoy spending time together.
You feel loved and supported by your partner.
When conflicts arise they are quickly resolved.
The Forest
My favourite metaphor for a relationship is a forest.
If you think of a forest where there hasn’t been rain for a long time: it’s patched and dry and the slightest spark will start a huge fire that will do massive lasting damage. Now think of the same forest in the weeks after a lot of rain. It’s drenched and green shoots and leaves are sprouting everywhere. In these conditions a small spark has no chance of taking hold: instead it fizzles out quickly.
It is the same for relationships. In a long-term relationship that is ‘watered’ regularly the sparks of conflict and irritation that occasionally let loose in any relationship, have no dry wood to land on. A ‘fire’ or in this case, an argument simply can’t take hold: the first sparks of conflict quickly fizzle out.
So what can you do to keep your relationship in good shape?
Focus on creating opportunities to listen to your partner, ideally whilst doing something you enjoy together, such as playing a board game, preparing a meal together or going for a walk.
The biggest gift you can give your partner is the gift of your full attention. Prioritise regularly letting them talk about whatever they want to talk about. If they feel heard they will also feel loved and over time that will help reduce any tensions between you.
What did you enjoy doing together in the past? If you can, go back to doing those things.
If you need to talk about difficulties, the easiest way is shoulder to shoulder, for instance whilst on a walk or working on something practical together.
For some couples, having a regular weekly time to talk about practical issues and life admin can help to keep other times free from those things.
Don’t forget to show affection over time it keeps you emotionally connected and stops you from drifting apart.
Make a point of noticing the things your partner does right and thanking them.
The long-term health of relationships consists of, what I call, the three behaviours that heal: attention, affection and appreciation. I have spoken about these in more detail in my previous article (Relationship Advice: 5 Secrets to a Better Happier Marriage). You can find it here.
Ann Marie Taylor, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ann Marie Taylor is a relationship coach, author and speaker offering caring, confidential and effective help online with relationships. AnnMarie is happily married herself and has lived with her husband for nearly 30 years. She recently wrote a book about her work: 5 Steps to lasting love: an evidence-based guide to protecting & repairing your relationship, available here.
