Written by: Irina Costea, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Before we discuss emotional regulation and what it means, let’s go back a bit to what emotions mean.
In short, emotions are the sensors by which we interpret what is happening around us. For example, anger is a protective emotion, showing us where our boundaries are being crossed; sadness shows us that we are experiencing a loss.
It is very important in discussing emotional regulation to understand that emotion is something that happens in the brain but also in the body, it is something we experience but also something that moves us in a direction. It is perception and action. (Anabelle Gonzales, EMDR and Emotional Processing).
When I feel anger, I tense up, my pulse increases, my breathing quickens.
Going back to the definition of emotional regulation:
Emotional regulation is our ability to consciously or unconsciously alter the components of the emotional experience, including the physiological response (e.g. to restore safety in the body), the subjective experience (what thoughts are going through my head at that moment), verbal and nonverbal expression, as well as behaviors secondary to the emotion (instead of raising my voice, taking deep breaths and taking space to calm down).
In order to actively and consciously work on our emotional regulation, we need to understand what kind of strategies we tend to use. Here we have two broad categories.
Emotional underregulation ‒ i.e. I do little or nothing with my emotions.
This is where people who have a preoccupied anxious attachment, who have a very high level of emotional stimulation and cannot regulate themselves, looking for external regulation from other people ("other people need to calm me down, I can't do it myself"; "I can't control myself", "I'm not able to do anything", "that's the way I am", "I don't have what to do when anger comes up").
In this case the prefrontal areas cannot reduce the activity in the amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for threat response), which is highly stimulated.
On the other side, we have an avoidant attachment, where there is a tendency to overregulate their emotional states, distancing themselves from others and developing extreme independence.
Here the prefrontal areas inhibit the amygdala, which usually shows extremely low activity.
When I was in postpartum suicidal depression, looking back and analyzing how I learned to emotionally regulate myself, I functioned a lot in emotional under-regulation. Emotions came and I was at their mercy.
In coaching and therapy I have learned to work with these dysfunctional discourses and strategies, and to question them, to let go of this generalization of "permanent evil" and rewrite my story.
Oliver Coubard proposes in his book "Frontiers in Human Neuroscience", that the EMDR (Eye Movement Desenzitization and Reprocessing) procedure works as neurotraining, because it promotes emotional control.
From this we have extracted 4 essential steps that anyone can apply to make emotional regulation happen, useful in both therapeutic and transformational coaching procedures.
a. The ability to identify one's own emotional states as well as the emotional states of others (I can tell when I feel fear, when I feel anger, I can differentiate between them. And I can see it in other people when it happens).
b. Understanding the nature of emotions (the nature of emotion is to come and go, there is no such thing as negative emotion and positive emotion; emotion is an indicator of how my mind perceives what is going on outside, it can act as a compass)
c. A way to rationalize and discuss emotions (I need to learn to put into words what I feel. For example to explain to the partner: "at this moment I feel very angry, I feel unheard and unheard, I feel that what I say doesn't matter to you. I need 5 minutes to calm down before we can continue the discussion").
d. Skills to manage and shape the response to emotions (this can include bringing back to the present, such as breathing exercises, which are most useful, or simply learning to distance myself and say stop to a discussion when I feel myself starting to get angry).
We have the ability to influence a process only after we understand it inside out. So, in order to develop emotional regulation skills, we need to understand what is happening to us, which is why the first steps are absolutely essential.
In the chapter on skills and management of the emotional regulation process it is important to mention the somatic side.
To be able to act consciously on the level of thoughts and strategies of the mind, you need first of all to restore safety in the body (i.e. to take the body out of the zone of anxiety, tension, high pulse, into a quiet zone where you breathe normally and don't feel like exploding, also called the “social engagement zone”). Mindfulness practices and somatic awareness play a very important role.
If we apply for example a 4-8-8 tactic (inhale 4, hold 8, exhale 8), when you hold your breath the brain oxygenates better, and when the exhale is longer than the inhale, the brain gets the message that the danger is over and you are safe.
When the body doesn't feel safe the breath is jerky, which is why the longer exhale is a simple yet powerful way to signal to our nervous system that it is safe.
This is why the understanding of the polyvagal theory is so important.
I wrote more about it here.
Tips & tricks for emotional regulation
Befriending with your own body ‒ body scan techniques at random or scheduled times
Self-awareness ‒ attachment style, knowing the type of emotional regulation: over-regulation or under-regulation; how our body feels when it detects a threat; limiting belief systems
Mind-body healing practices: prioritising sleep schedule (and actively working on sleep issues), meditation practices, breathing exercises (alternate nostril breathing, box breathing, 4-8-8), yoga practice (especially hatha or yin yoga).
All of these healing practices are incorporated ONE AT A TIME, not all at once to avoid overwhelm. We start with simple daily promises that we honor for a few weeks, then introduce another practice and so on.
For example, I started with 10 minutes of yoga a day for a month, then gradually increased the time. For a year and a half, I practiced yoga every day, almost without exception.
Slowly at the end of the yoga practices, I introduced meditation, then before sleep and in the morning when I woke up I introduced breathing exercises.
In terms of self-awareness, this is actively practiced largely through observation, through being mindful.
Before we come to a closure, I want to leave you with a thought: the goal is not to regulate ourselves ALL THE TIME, this is an impossible goal. The majority of us do not live on a mountain, far away from civilization, meditation 24/7, so we can keep our zen all the time.
The goal is to be able to understand that the nature of the emotions is to come and go, and to be able to return consciously to a normal state (called homeostasis).
We need to keep in mind that we are human beings, and it is part of human nature to navigate emotions. It’s one thing to navigate them, and another thing for them to swallow us completely.
It’s a skill that we can all develop, so I encourage you to start one small practice for the next week. What would that be for you?
Irina Costea, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Irina Costea is a Transformational & NeuroMindfulness Coach® and a former HR Professional. After a severe postpartum depression scattered with suicidal thoughts, Irina discovered Positive Psychology and the power of coaching. Once enrolled in the coaching school, she soon realized that her personal mission is to help other people unlock their true potential through practices of neuroscience and mindfulness. She believes that only by mapping and following your fears and blockages you can live authentically. Because only when you use them as your stepping stones you can connect to yourself again.
Costea has been trained as a Coach at CoachVille, one of the first coaching schools in the world, and as a NeuroMindfulness® Master Practitioner at the NeuroMindfulness® Institute. She also worked as a Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist for one of the biggest travel platforms in the world.
