Laurenza Buglisi specialises in supporting families affected by sexual violence, intergenerational trauma, and family estrangement. She also provides training and consultancy in child safeguarding practices for organisations and social work professionals.
Are you estranged from your family and dreading the upcoming holiday season? Many families across the world are affected by estrangement and although it is more widely acknowledged than previously before, it continues to remain a relatively taboo topic. Estrangement can be initiated by a family member of any particular generation and relation, for a myriad of reasons, although in my clinical experience providing sexual assault counselling, it is often in relation to current concerns of harm and/or past abuse. Even estrangement in this instance is complex, with heightened feelings of loss and grief often experienced for the person initiating the estrangement. Navigating the holiday season can be overwhelming at the best of times, but for those who chose estrangement from family due to sexual abuse, it can be a never-ending roller coaster ride of loneliness, grief, anxiety, sadness, panic, self-doubt, guilt, anger and numbness. If this applies to you then read on for some ideas for how to survive this festive season.
Show yourself some kindness and compassion
It is important to acknowledge that the relational trauma you have experienced is deeply complex; both the sexual violence (either as a direct survivor of sexual abuse or as the non-offending parent) and the familial estrangement are bound to have had a profound impact on many different dimensions of your life. You deserve an abundance of love, patience, kindness and compassion. The stress and pressures of the holiday season are an inescapable fact of life, but it is definitely reasonable to expect that you would find this time of year especially painful. An intense desire to escape or ‘check out’ can be anticipated – acknowledge this, make space for it, and notice what this feels like in your body. It might be the tightening of your muscles around your neck, a clenching of your fists, nauseousness in the pit of your stomach, or an restlessness that starts with a shaking in your knees.
Avoid hasty reunions with estranged family if safety is a concern
There is a very real and tangible pressure, often by family but certainly by society in general to reconcile with the family member/s you are estranged from. This is exacerbated by the festive season – after all, it is a time where public display of love and appreciation for our family is in the spotlight. My experience has taught me that estrangement is complicated and that taking an approach that recognises both the value of family relationships and the importance of taking action to protect someone from harm is paramount. By acknowledging the significance of family relationships, you recognise the depth of grief that can exist after estrangement. By prioritising safety and wellbeing (particularly when children are involved), the full impact and threat of child sexual abuse is also recognised. These two facts are not mutually exclusive but will often be presented as such. That is, you will be told that if you truly valued your family, you would reunite no matter the reasons behind instigating an estrangement were. Alternatively, if you had concerns about someone safety or wellbeing, you would be expected to not only swiftly cut off family members but that the estrangement would be uncomplicated. Whilst I do advocate for always prioritising the safety of children, I understand that sometimes family situations require a nuanced approach. This is especially the case if it refers to sibling sexual abuse, in which there would be a thorough assessment that might determine the family remain living together but under strict conditions. I would strongly recommend seeking professional support if you are contemplating changing your position on your decision around ceasing contact with family members following a disclosure of abuse. This is both to allow an assessment on any current risk of significant harm to children and also to provide you with the necessary support you deserve to navigate an emotionally turbulent situation.
Decide what you want from this holiday season
From my experience, people typically sit somewhere along a spectrum regarding the importance they place on a particular holiday season. They might be the type of person who (irrespective of the estrangement or sexual abuse), would make a huge effort because celebrating the holiday season means a great deal to them. They typically follow many customs and traditions that are specific to that particular celebration and take them very seriously indeed. These sort of people place a high value on the holiday season and are typically quite sentimental. Then there are people on the other side of the spectrum, to whom the festival season was never so much about sentiment or tradition but more of a casual excuse for a good time or the chance to relax. There is no right or wrong way to view the holiday season but it makes a huge difference where you fall along the spectrum because it will change what approach might work best for you.
For instance, recognising the sheer importance of the holiday season is crucial if you fall on the sentimental and traditional side of the spectrum. Failing to do so would just reinforce your disenfranchised grief, which means your loss goes unrecognised by society. Your loss in this case extends to not just the relationships with family with whom you are estranged from, but the loss of the holiday season as you know it. Choosing to forego any celebration whatsoever might end up being quite a traumatic experience. On the other hand, if the holiday season has always been a more casual affair for you, then choosing to go ‘all out’ with extravagant celebrations to compensate for the estranged relationships might end up feeling forced and disingenuous, reinforcing the stark difference in how you would normally celebrate the holiday.
Prepare yourself for feeling repeatedly triggered
Regardless of what decision you make, it is advisable to be well prepared for the constant stream of questioning from often well-meaning outsiders who are unaware of the context for your chosen estrangement. I often recommend my clients create scripts, which are brief but concise points they can memorise when presented with a difficult conversation about their plans for the holidays. It is important to take the time to nurture yourself after you have interactions such as this, because despite being prepared, you can and probably still will find them emotionally draining. Be mindful that self-care involves good nutrition, exercise and sleep, along with avoiding risky behaviour, such as binge drinking an excessive amount of alcohol or taking illicit substances.
Access specialist resources and support
If you would like to learn more about family estrangement, you can visit Stand Alone in the United Kingdom or view research and training opportunities with Dr. Joshua Coleman, Standing Together in the United Kingdom or Dr. Kylie Agllias. To learn more about online support for families experiencing estrangement in the context of sexual abuse, visit my website here.
Read more from Laurenza Buglisi
Laurenza Buglisi, Social Worker & Family Therapist
Laurenza Buglisi is a qualified Social Worker and Family Therapist who specialises in child sexual abuse. She was the founder of Juno’s Circle: Counselling, Training and Consulting, supporting families with complex trauma. Laurenza is committed to ensuring all families are equipped with the necessary tools and resources to parent protectively. As a mother to three young children herself, she understands the challenges of raising children in a digital age with an increased prevalence of child sexual exploitation. Laurenza is passionate about working with organisations and social work professionals to ensure a clearer understanding of compliance with child safe practice standards and reporting obligations.
