Written by Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with 15 years' experience and the founder of Twinful Life. With her extensive experience and twin-oriented early childhood education approach, Samdar provides exclusive services for twin families to help parents raise twins with peace and joy.
Have you ever paused to consider how you talk to your twins? Or about them? My 15 years of working with twins have taught me that the way I talk about and with twins matters. My choice of words can significantly impact twins' perceptions of themselves as individuals and as a pair.
Changing the twins’ mindset
It all starts with our mindset. How are we viewing the twins? Are we viewing them as a unit, a pair, as one entity? or are we viewing them as two separate people who share a house, parents, siblings, etc…?
In my years of working with twin babies and toddlers, I have found that this not-so-subtle difference dictates our choice of words and our attitudes toward the children. The conscious and the unconscious.
When we view twins as a unit, a set, two-halves who make a whole, we are more likely to use phrases such as:
The twins
Guys/girls
They, them, theirs
While this might not seem of much importance, it adds up. If every time either twin hears someone approaching them or talking about them in the plural, it will inevitably make them internalise that when something is happening, when there is a decision to be made, or when someone checks in on how they are doing, the event necessarily impacts both. So, if they are asked whether they want to go somewhere, their desires and wants are evaluated in tandem with those of their twin. It won't necessarily matter whether they want to go somewhere or do something, but whether both of them do or don't. They thus learn they need to compromise and give up on their personal desires to maintain the status quo.
These repeated interactions throughout the day can lead each twin to learn that what they want has to be considered with the wants of their twin. And so, they might begin to act this way when no one else is around. They are more likely to make their own decisions in the same way, checking in with their twin whether they also want to eat, play, go outside, draw, watch a movie etc... They might not feel comfortable or confident doing things independently. After all, they copy their environment's behaviour, which demonstrates that their decisions are made together. This can undermine their sense of identity and blur the lines between themselves and their twin.
Dr. Joan A. Friedman, a twin expert and psychotherapist, discusses the hardship of being an identical twin. In her work, she addresses the ramifications of familial and societal emphasis on sameness and togetherness in adult twins. Many of her adult twin patients oftentimes did not experience enough separation from their twin (physical, mental, and emotional) to nurture a strong sense of identity outside their twinship.
Mindful language that supports twins
The other aspect of a “twins’ mindset” manifests in the comparison sentences we structure when talking with and about twins. It is human nature to compare—situations, things, places, people. However, this is ever more present in the lives of twins.
While most parents compare their children to some extent (again, it's within our nature), the romantic view of twins as opposites or as two of the same renders these situations much more potent and powerful.
It is then very common to hear sentences such as:
X is the social one, Y is the shy one
Y is the better sleeper, X is the bad sleeper
X is the fussy one, Y is the good eater
Y is the bossy one, X is the easy-going one
These statements essentially view one child in relation to the other. However, reality is subjective. If we only see a person in relation to another, we can't see them for who they are. Our point of reference is, therefore, askew, and we are limiting our perception to a narrow and restricted point of view.
Examples of mindful language with twins
If X or Y didn't have a twin, we were most likely to comment on their behaviours in this way:
X is very social, yet he doesn't sleep very well. He is very easy-going, though!
Y is a bit shy. He sleeps great and loves his food, but he can be a bit bossy at times.
These statements are based on each child's particular qualities and personality. They reflect what that person is or isn't in relation to themselves and no one else.
What's more, they aren't restricting them to these anecdotes alone. When we label children with phrases such as "the social one" or "the shy one", we can trap a child within this label, making them feel it is finite.
It is much harder to show the world our entire spectrum of feelings, qualities, and unique traits when someone sees us in relation to another. It can make a child lean into that label, trying to please and perform, or rebel against it, trying to demonstrate they will not be defined by anyone but themselves.
Either outcome isn't ideal, as it results from the child's response to external influences rather than from following their heart and learning who they are in their unique pace and style.
Twins – A supportive mindset
It takes practice to change our language and be mindful of our interactions with twins. Yet once the habit is in place, it becomes easier, and you will be surprised how aware you are of old ways of speaking. It will also be very obvious when someone isn't applying the same filters as you, and you'll realise just how common and frequent these situations are.
The shift actually happens in our way of seeing twins. We acknowledge that they are two people who happen to be born at the same time to the same parents. That is all. Their birth story should not become their sole or primary identity.
Our attitudes about the twins' sameness matter. We can dress them differently, or if they are older, let them choose their outfits. We can offer them different options to choose from instead of two of the same.
Awareness of our own biases is important. If we encourage them to choose the same or respond negatively when they don't do things together, they will pick up on it. They will read our facial expressions, listen to the tone of our voice, and learn what we favour. Children aim to please and appease their caretakers (parents, grandparents, nanny, teachers, etc.). If they feel we have a preference, they will be persuaded to choose accordingly.
So, try to remain neutral and, if possible, encourage them to follow their desires. If one leans toward one particular colour, activity, style of music, or food – nurture that. Facilitate opportunities for them to explore, express, and fully embody it. And assure them that being different is okay. If one likes it and their twin doesn't, it's okay. They don't have to do everything together, and they don't have to like the same things.
This somewhat easy practice has incredible long-term impacts on the twins' sense of self and self-esteem, and on shifting our mindset to see them as two separate people.
When each twin leads a full life with pride and confidence, it is easier for us, the adults, to see them as two separate individuals. Our language thus changes, and we start structuring our sentences, questions, and comments in accordance with their needs and wants.
You can read more about comparisons and twins in my blog post.
Changing people’s mindset about twins
One way I have found effective in helping people adopt a new mindset to see twins as individuals is in my responses to comparison statements and questions.
When someone asks me if the twins are similar or completely different, I respond, "They share a last name and DNA; that's about it. They each are a whole world." Saying this kindly and with humour helps the person conversing with me think about the children in a different way.
Similarly, when someone comments:
"X is so friendly. Is she the friendly one?" I respond, "X is very social. Y makes friends in his own way."
Or to the statement, "Y seems to be the patient one." I say, "He is very patient. Y can be very patient with things she is interested in. She can focus a lot when she wants to."
I'm structuring the sentences so that either child can be seen through a wider lens. They aren't one thing; they have many qualities. Maybe they behave more in one way right now, but that can change. Nothing is finite.
These interactions invite people to widen their perspective of either child and help them rethink their observations. If children hear their parents and other people around them calling them rough, aggressive, impatient, or wild, they will feel that is who they are. They might feel they don't know how to be gentle, patient, and quiet. Or that they shouldn't be. After all, if all these people tell them they are this way, it must be true.
Dr. Nancy L. Segal, an evolutionary psychologist and behavioral geneticist, is a twin expert and the director of the Twin Studies Centre. In her book Twin Mythconceptions, she explores the outcomes comparisons, expectations, and labeling can have on twins' well-being in the long term.
When we think we know who a child is and label them with one or two comments, we unconsciously begin to expect certain behaviours. Then, we tend to see what we want to see. When we understand that children have many qualities and their behaviour changes with time, we can allow them to show us who they are rather than decide for them. They can then feel confident expressing themselves, experimenting, and trying new things.
Twins’ mindset – Be the change
Our language and attitudes strongly impact twins’ self-esteem, self-image, and confidence development. What we do at home will teach them life-long lessons about what being a twin means, what they need or don’t need to do or be. Let's ensure we use our words to build them up, help each twin thrive, and encourage them to explore all the world has to offer.
Want to learn more about supporting your twins’ self-esteem and confidence, reducing rivalry, and increasing peace and joy in a twin household? Find more information for twin parents in my Twins blog.
Read more from Smadar Zmirin
Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar started her twin journey when she got her first job as a twin nanny. Quickly realising the impact adults have on twins’ well-being and emotional development, Smadar felt drawn to advocating for and supporting each child’s unique identity and independence. She established Twinful Life to support twin families raising emotionally healthy twins, and became a twin-oriented early childhood educator.
