Written by: Dr. La-Toya S. Gaines, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When a Black woman says, “Check on your strong friends,” we know who she’s referring to. It’s the friend who, despite her busy schedule, always has time for others. She’s a friend who freely supports others but never seems to need support for herself.
That strong friend is the one who looks like she has it all together on the outside but is stressed out, anxious, and maybe even depressed on the inside. She excels at work but feels unappreciated and undervalued. Her multiple roles and responsibilities as a daughter, sister, friend, wife, and mother leave her feeling overwhelmed. The strong friend believes her problems aren’t as bad as everyone else’s, and she doesn’t want to complain or burden others, so she suffers quietly and alone. Besides, she doesn’t need anyone worrying about her; she’ll push through like she always does. How can you support the strong Black women in your life? Here are five ways you can check on those strong friends.
Call her up
Give her a call and ask her how she’s really doing. Encourage her to share her stressors, worries, and frustrations with you without judgment. Then, listen to what she says without offering advice or suggestions unless invited. She seldom looks for someone to solve her problems, just an empathic, non-judgmental ear to listen. Trust me, she rarely gets phone calls where the focus of attention is what’s happening in her life. She will adore being thought of.
Schedule some girl time with her
First, secure a date and time with her, then take responsibility for making the plans. Whether making dinner reservations, arranging childcare, or ordering take-out, you accept the lead on creating and executing the plans. She will appreciate the only requirement is showing up on time.
Send her a reminder of fun times
Share an old picture, vacation video, or song clip that reminds her of a memorable moment or experience. Remind her of a time that makes her laugh, makes her nostalgic, and reminds her that she is a great friend and that you miss her and those times together. Let her know that you’re still here for her when she’s ready to share.
Write a note
Send your friend a card, a note, an email, or a text message letting her know how much you appreciate her. Show your gratitude for the friendship and her place in your life. Remember, it’s rare for her to feel valued and appreciated by others. This small gesture will go a long way to do that.
Remind her of her value
Anything you can do to remind your friend that she is loved and that she matters will reaffirm that her worth lies in her presence, not how much she sacrifices for others. Let your strong friend know that you see her for who she is, and that’s what you cherish about her.
The strong Black women in your life seem to be thriving on the surface, but a closer look reveals the expectation of strength is burdensome. While they are busy caring for everyone else, the strong women around you are lonely; they don’t have anyone to lean on. These women may not look like they need support because they rarely show vulnerability. These suggestions offer a few ways to show your strong friend that she is not alone and support is just a phone call away.
Are you interested in tools for shedding the burden of strength? Check out my journal, Nourishing the Strong Black Woman: A Self-Care Journal, here. You can also register for my webinar, Silent No More: An Empowering Guide to Owning and Changing the Strong Black Woman Narrative, here.
Join my email list for monthly newsletters and information on upcoming webinars, workshops, and groups for the Strong Black Woman.
Dr. La-Toya S. Gaines, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. La-Toya S. Gaines is a licensed psychologist and owner of Family Matters Counseling and Psychological Services. Dr. Gaines has a dedicated her career to empowering Black women to disrupt the narrative of the Strong Black Woman. She is teaching generations of Black women to give themselves permission to prioritize their needs without feeling guilty. Dr. Gaines is using her voice to reduce the stigma of mental health in the Black community.
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