Ali Franks is a transformational life coach and a leading practitioner of applied theatre. As a coach Ali helps women find and live their purpose through one to one & group programmes. Ali has over 20 years experience facilitating transformational creative workshops with a diverse range of people.
Does this sound familiar to you? You are in many ways ‘successful’ in your career and family life, and you have worked hard to get to this place and from the outside you appear to have a good life. You followed the rules you learnt as a child: “Work hard, achieve more and you will achieve happiness and fulfilment.
However, you have a sense that something is missing in your life. You cannot put your finger on it, but there is a sense of emptiness sometimes.
On the outside, you may appear to be the same, but you have thoughts like, “Is this what I want for my life?” You may feel guilty for having these thoughts and that you just need to be more ‘grateful’ and appreciative; so, you start writing a gratitude journal, as that’s the thing to do, isn’t it?
It’s ok, but it isn’t really working for you.
The thing is you have so much going on, so many people rely on you and you are so busy that there is little time to actually get to grips with this and make any changes. As a result, you keep on keeping on, and look forward to that next holiday or weekend away.
Just got to get through to the weekend.
What you would like is to wake up in the morning and feel excited about the day ahead, that you have more quality time for yourself without feeling guilty; that each day is as good as the weekend, that you find a deeper sense of meaning and
satisfaction in your daily life. You want to spend more time doing things that bring you joy and mean something; no more waking up in the middle of the night with a deep sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction.
When you do allow yourself to consider this deep and persistent aching for more, it’s like you quickly close up: “I’m just being silly”; “this is reality and these dreams are unrealistic or magical”; “the truth is things won’t ever really change”; “I am just wishful thinking”.
So, you keep doing what you are currently doing, getting through each day, reminding yourself to be grateful and hoping that things will change one day or get better by themselves.
If you relate to this, then you are not the only one. So many of us have this ache, this need, this desire for more. But we don’t talk about it because it sounds ‘childish’ or ‘silly’ or makes us sound somewhat ‘weird’ or ‘crazy’.
Well, I can assure you that you are none of those things, you are in fact just a human being, having a human experience of being disconnected from your truest self and that deep ache that you feel is very real and is, in fact, your soul calling to you to find your way back home, through the noise and overwhelm of our current society. Our culture will tell you it is because you don’t do enough exercise or you need to do this new diet/food regime; that you need to buy that new meditation app, or walk 10,000 steps daily; that if you just had that dream holiday or new car you would feel better. We believe that because it fits with how we live in this world and the deep beliefs that we have had since childhood, which tell us that we need these things to be happy, whole, successful and achieve life to the highest level.
The ‘work hard, achieve more and you will find happiness and fulfilment’ paradigm is BS.
What our fast-paced, ‘highway to life success’ culture doesn’t tell us, is that we do not need any more things to take away this ache, this emptiness. That, in fact, this emptiness is never going to be filled by the things we can buy or consume, but actually, this emptiness and deep ache that we all have at points in our lives, need us to start stripping away the things in our lives rather than adding in anything new.
We have it all
It’s inside of us
Waiting to be found.
We are born happy and contented, creative and unique. It is during our life that these things start to get lost. We think we are doing the right things, but following life’s rules: “Work hard, achieve more and you will achieve happiness and fulfilment”, which is why we feel so confused and ashamed when we do all that stuff but still get to a point of deep and unspoken emptiness.
Getting to the bottom of this is not about adding more to our lives but stripping back the layers and remembering who we are.
I call this process reconnection: reconnecting to ourselves, stripping back the layers of expectations, ‘shoulds’, unhelpful beliefs about life and finding ways to reconnect and remember who we are and why we are here.
This processing of remembering and reconnection leads us to uncover our deeper purpose and that is the key which will unlock deep life satisfaction and fulfilment.
Reconnecting involves going deep and looking at all aspects of our human life: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual; it requires us to see the natural world as a way to understand ourselves and how we fit into the bigger picture, it requires us to explore our shadow and the things that we don’t always want to look at, but remember the Hero’s Journey, we have to face the threshold guardian and the all the obstacles in the shadows to complete our adventure and return home transformed. As Joseph Campbell asserted: "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."
Reconnecting to ourselves is levelling up, it can feel risky, but what is the alternative: keep doing what you are doing, keep getting what you got!
3 simple ways to reconnect and find what's missing in your life
1. Step back in time
Sit quietly somewhere where you are comfortable and uninterrupted and think back to your childhood or your early teenage years (think back to a happy time that you remember).
Think about and remember the things that you loved doing then: What brought you joy? What captured your imagination or your interest?
These are your clues. Write these things down and take a moment. Place your hand on your heart and consider each of these things one at a time.
How do you feel now when you think of those things?
Listen carefully and write down any thoughts or feelings, or pictures you think of in your mind. The answers we are often so desperately looking for have been there all along, sometimes it’s just a case of remembering what you already know.
2. Get feedback
Think of between 3 and 5 people from different parts of your life. This could be your partner, a member of your extended family, a friend, a client, or a work colleague. Ask them if they would be willing to help you with something you are working on, and if so, ask them the following questions:
When you think of me, what words would you use to describe me?
Tell me one thing that is unique about me?
If I asked you to tell someone what I am really good at, what would you say?
There are things about ourselves that we often cannot see, but other people can… this feedback is a gift – receive it with gratitude!
3. If I didn’t care
Get a piece of paper and write at the top: “If I didn’t care about what other people think of me I would…”
Start writing and allow yourself to write as freely as possible. Try not to overthink this or monitor yourself.
Once you have written everything you can think of, walk away and take a break for 30 mins.
After 30 minutes, return to your paper and re-read what you have written. What do you feel when reading this back? Note down any themes that come up or anything that has surprised you about doing this exercise. (This exercise allows us to cut right through our fears around what other people think or expect of us and can often reveal some deep truths to ourselves that we may find hard to access on a day-to-day basis).
These exercises are a fantastic starting point and will undoubtedly start the reconnection process for you. You can access these exercises plus more in my free guide: 5 Steps to Uncover your Unique Purpose.
I work with people who decide to embark on their reconnection journey so that they can go from feeling empty to empowered through my programme: Reconnect to Me. As a transformational holistic coach, creative facilitator and EFT practitioner I can support and guide you through this journey back to wholeness, where I stand right by your side and create a brave space for you as you find your way back to your deep and unique purpose. It is not for the faint-hearted, but we all have a Hero’s Journey ready and waiting for us where we can find deep fulfilment every day of our lives, be free of the fears that have held us back and start living the life we were destined for.
Ali Franks, Transformational Coach, Facilitator and Educator
Ali Franks is a transformational life coach and a leading practitioner of applied theatre. As a coach Ali helps women find and live their purpose through one to one & group programmes. Ali has over 20 years experience facilitating transformational creative workshops with a diverse range of people. She is an EFT practitioner and a yoga teacher and offers training and wellbeing coaching to organisations as well as being a member of academic staff at University of Wales Trinity Saint David where she teaches others to be skilled creative facilitators.
