Written by: Alexandra Stockwell, MD, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
If you’re married, you probably compromise and look for the easiest, conflict-free way to move forward in any disagreement. In some cases that makes sense, but that way of navigating definitely comes at a cost.
Those moments of compromise build what I like to call “micro-walls”.
Micro walls are tiny blocks within relationships that prevent couples from being fully connected with one another. One or two of these micro walls (while not ideal) won’t make or break a marriage.
If we constantly compromise for the sake of our partner’s happiness and keeping the peace, then those micro walls build up and evolve into a much larger problem.
A perfect example of a micro wall is faking an orgasm.
If you’re a woman, perhaps you've faked an orgasm in the past actually, I am pretty sure you have because it’s the rare woman who hasn’t. There are times when it seems like faking an orgasm is the most efficient thing to do to keep everyone happy. That way your partner can feel accomplished and the two of you can move on to whatever is next.
Every time a woman fakes an orgasm, however, she is training her partner to be a less qualified, less sensitive, less aware, less skillful lover. When she fakes an orgasm, he's going to conclude that whatever he was doing led to that (faked) orgasm, when in fact, the way he was touching you wasn’t actually working for you. It wasn’t creating the pleasure he thinks it was.
No matter how skillfully you fake it, you do not do yourself any favors by training your lover to misinterpret your responses and leading him to think he is creating one experience for you when in fact he is creating something very different.
If you want to experience great sex, and you want your lover to be skillful, you need to be honest and UNCOMPROMISING in sharing the truth with your partner. That is what it takes for BOTH of you to be sexually satisfied.
Even though this can seem like a small thing, seemingly a micro-moment, it leads to the formation of unconscious emotional walls. These walls are going to need to be dissolved for true intimacy to flourish, for true connection and easy flow of all kinds of energy .
Yes, this includes erotic energy.
Compromise and disconnection can seep into the rest of your marriage SO quickly and efficiently that you won’t even see it coming. It starts with one compromise and it leads to another and that leads to another. It keeps going and going until those micro walls turn into massive barriers.
Before you know it, you find yourself looking up at those barriers and you realize that you are swimming in a sea of resentment. You resent yourself, your partner, and worst of all, your marriage, because you have been compromising so much that you don’t even know what you want any more, and have no idea how to have it.
If your partner looks at you and recognizes that something is wrong and asks you about it, your response is, “I’m fine.” Well, that’s you compromising again. Not faking an orgasm but similarly not being real about your experience.
The next time when you are feeling down, your partner may not notice because you have conditioned them to dismiss the signs that they initially noticed but learned to dismiss.
So they think you’re fine, and you may end up resenting them for not recognizing your emotional state. But you’ve contributed to it by building a micro wall through disconnection and compromise.
Resentment builds and those micro walls get thicker.
And suddenly, you’re sharing less with your partner altogether, which means you’re bringing less of yourself to the relationship.
This means less flirtation which means less connection.
Less of a connection means you’re not available for as much intimacy as you otherwise would be.
Very few people grow up with a high level of honesty in their home because, in order to have this level of honesty, you need to have self-awareness, the capacity to express your truth, and the emotional safety to do so.
So stop compromising and stop faking your orgasms. Being honest, expressing your emotions vulnerably, and sharing your desires, will create the kind of relationship that includes emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, and better physical intimacy too.
I want more emotional intimacy for all couples, including you. I hope you try out these five exercises–just start with whichever one seems easiest to implement. And please feel free to reach out to me with any questions and tell me how it goes. I can help you create the deliciousness & joy of a growth-oriented, passionate relationship.
In the meantime, if you want to know more about how to stoke passion in your relationship, read my book Uncompromising Intimacy.
Or you can learn more about Intimacy Coaching in long term relationships here.
Alexandra Stockwell, MD, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Known as “The Intimacy Doctor,” Dr. Alexandra Stockwell is an Intimate Marriage Expert who specializes in coaching couples to build beautiful, long-lasting, passionate relationships.
For over 20 years Dr. Alexandra has shown men and women how to bring pleasure and purpose into all aspects of life, from the daily grind of running a household to intimate communication and ecstatic experiences in the bedroom.
A wife of twenty-six years and a mother of four, Alexandra firmly believes the key to passion and fulfillment isn’t compromise ‒ it’s being unwilling to compromise. When both partners feel free to be themselves, their relationship becomes juicy, nourishing, and deeply satisfying.
Dr. Alexandra is the bestselling author of “Uncompromising Intimacy” and host of The Intimate Marriage Podcast.
