Written by: Iris L. Mendez, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Things happen every day that tends to tick us off or rub us the wrong way. It could be something as irrelevant as getting a paper cut, waiting on hold too long when calling a customer service line, spilling your coffee, petty conflict with loved ones, or getting into a fender bender. All of these things may cause anger, sadness, annoyance, and/or irritability in our lives. What does our ability to regulate our emotions and control our impulses say about how we handle conflict when things don’t go our way? How do we practice validation of feelings while refraining from reacting to the actual emotion? How do we stay calm and grounded?
Read more below:
As a former social worker and psychotherapist turned Breath, Body, and Energy coach, I help clients understand how to get back into their vessels and release harbored emotions in the 4 bodies: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Through intuitive spiritual guidance, mindful movement, breathwork, energy healing, and SOULution-focused coaching: I assist clients in mindfully releasing things that we tend to take too personally. When we beat ourselves up, it creates negative self-talk, which can lead to limiting beliefs causing us to feel perceived defeat. As the saying goes, “you are your own worst critic,” as such, it’s important to understand that beating ourselves up, especially in situations that were beyond our control, is never the answer. Getting in the imaginary boxing ring with ourselves is a form of self-abuse that can also lead to self-sabotage.
When we are angry or irritated, it is more so with ourselves and our circumstances than with others. In the psychotherapy world, we also acknowledge how parts of our brain like the amygdala, which elicits our innate “fight, flight, and freeze” response in our brain, take over in these moments as a source of protection. When we blame others, in psychology, we call this projecting. As I tell my clients, blame, shame, guilt, judgment, whether of others or for ourselves, never serves us. When I work with clients, I invite them to ground down in their vessel and notice the psychological responses that come up in the physical body to release it through yoga, reiki, and self-inquiry. When we fail to do this, this usually leads to an energetic build-up in the spiritual body (or chakra systems), manifesting as physical and emotional ailments.
So how do we practice emotional regulation, impulse control, and managing mindful anger?
Here are 9 tips below!
Step 1: Pause and Breathe!
Pause! Stop in your tracks and breathe! Be aware, acknowledge, and assess the situation. Practice non-judgmental openness, mindfulness, and consciousness of what just occurred. Take 3-5 deep breaths. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth, noticing the rise and fall of your belly and chest with each inhale and exhale. Be aware of your thoughts and invite yourself to intercept any negative thinking or negative self-talk. Focus on the present moment (not past or future) so you can make sound decisions on your next steps- logically rather than emotionally. Deep breathing increases the oxygen flow to the brain, which in moments of perceived danger, tragedy, or perceived obstacles can allow us to make quick and sound decisions. For more on mindfulness practice, meditation, and deep breathing exercises, be sure to contact me. For now, try this practice below:
4-box breath technique:
Inhale for 4 counts or seconds (filling up the diaphragm)
Hold your breath safely for 4 seconds
Exhale for 4 counts (deflating from the gut)
Pause for 4 counts or 4 seconds
(Scan your 5 senses and notice what you see, taste, smell, hear, and feel)
Repeat 4 times.
Step 3: Stop Finger Pointing
Quit blaming yourself or others. Face it, things happen! Was there a cause or effect to the situation that’s causing anger or anguish -of course? But it is now in the past which we cannot change or undo. So, there is no reason to begin a marathon of ruminating thoughts, self-blaming, hypotheticals, and/or what-ifs. Blaming yourself will not make things any better, nor will it change a situation. We often want to hold someone accountable, even if it’s at the cost of our sanity, by taking the blame for something that was completely out of our control /or not our fault. Sure, sometimes, there is something or someone to blame, and we must hold ourselves accountable to times we intentionally and unintentionally mess up. But sometimes, that doesn’t mean the action we need to be remorseful about was intentional.
Practice this mantra in moments of blame or guilt by placing one hand over your heart and one hand over your belly and repeat three times: “I know my heart, and I know my intentions.” You can take accountability and responsibility morally. However, if it truly wasn’t your fault and you had NO control over the circumstances, quit making it your fault! Stop the judgment and quit trying to hold someone accountable-especially if the finger-pointing is being done in the mirror.
Step 4: Reframe & Regain Resiliency
Reframe your negative self-talk into positive self-talk and positive thinking. Cognitive Reframing is a process in which you reframe negative thoughts and feelings into more positive ones and elicits positive responses, reactions, and behaviors.
Think of it as a lens you change or modify inside your mind to turn the bad into good. See the good or positive out of difficult situations. This is where true control and resiliency are regained. You can practice this by intercepting negative thoughts and redefining them in your brain by saying the opposite. Switch the internal light switch from negative to positive. If you practice positive affirmations daily, this can also improve this habit.
Step 5: Quit Quoting
Sometimes it is not our voice or negative self-talk that influences us. Some of our deep-rooted anger towards the self has been learned or comes from past trauma, including verbal and physical abuse- especially during our upbringing. Someone may have told you something negative about you or believed something negative about you that you have now internalized. During times where things happen that are out of our control, we tend to replay those quotes in our minds like a tape recorder or a broken record. This is a form of negative self-talk by attempting to confirm and validate that narrative and bias beliefs about ourselves. We can’t continuously repeat the negative quotes that we have heard from others, especially toxic people/or loved ones. Quit the quoting and understand that you are human.
Repeat after me, “Even though ______ Is not ok, right now, it will eventually be ok, and I lovingly and wholeheartedly accept myself.”
Step 6: Quit Catastrophic Thinking
Sometimes we get stuck in “worry loops,” catastrophic thinking, or other cognitive distortions or unhelpful thinking patterns. Negative situations can sometimes cause an increase in anxiety which can cause us to make irrational inferences from one situation to another. I have always been an “expect the worse, hope for the best” type of person. But thinking the worst is not always healthy. Ruminating about difficult situations, magnifying the worst-case scenarios, jumping to conclusions can increase negative thoughts. There’s a negative domino effect that occurs. In turn, we run around in our brains in circles, pondering ALL of the worst-case scenarios and outcomes, which can be energetically and emotionally draining. Reverse the downward spiraling and instead think of some positives that can or have occurred as a result of the one negative situation. Sometimes it’s hard to find a positive but focusing on the positive is better than having the negative manifest and take over your life. Ground down and use your wise mind (not emotional mind) to deal with situations we cannot change.
Step 7: Exert Energy
In difficult situations, as stated above, our fight, flight, freeze response kicks in, and sometimes your response is to want to KICK something or someone. There is no positive result of potentially harming yourself, others, or even objects, nor will it fix or solve a situation. You may want to punch a wall. You may want to scream, yell, or fight. It is in these moments where being present is essential and beneficial. Be mindful of your physiological responses. I.e., heavy and fast breathing, leg shaking, clenched fists, jaw clenching, pacing, rapid heartbeat, etc. This is all normal! Be present and aware of this response-connect to your body. Acknowledge, validate, but don’t react. Find healthy ways to exert negative energy positively. When you exert energy -endorphins in your body are produced, secreted, and/or released, which can cause positive or happy feelings in the body.
Here are some healthy physical ways to exert and release energy positively:
Exercise and physical activity
Laugh
Boxing
Yoga
Running /jogs
Brisk Walks
Push-ups
Weight Lifting
Dancing
Sex or Masturbation
Crying
Step 9: Let it go
Let it GO! Let go of things you cannot control. It’s important to recognize some things we just cannot control. However, we can control our feelings and our reactions to those feelings. You can’t allow small bumps in the road to affect your entire day, week, and life. While it is important to acknowledge your feelings, and even more important, to validate them- what you do with them matters most. We tend to believe the scenarios we create in our heads and then react to that perceived created belief or scenario as if it’s a fact or true. Fact-check and reality test yourself. Remember to be present. Be mindful. Accept what is, and move on.
If you need support in managing your 4 bodies, be sure to contact me and schedule a complimentary 1:1 SOULution-Focused Strategy Session HERE.
Visit my website HERE.
Follow me on Instagram and @ilm_healing, and if you need more mindfulness be sure to check out my Youtube Channel HERE with free yoga + mindfulness as well as my podcast The IM Healing Podcast for more brief mindful moments now streaming on your favorite podcast applications, including Apple, Spotify, and more.
Namaste!
Iris L. Mendez, LSW, RYT, Reiki II
Iris L. Mendez, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Iris L. Mendez, LSW, RYT, Reiki II; is a Breath, Body, + Energy coach and founder of ILM Healing Soulutions, LLC. where she aligns with her clients to co-facilitate healing in the 4 bodies (mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual) through alternative healing practices. She helps clients break through limiting beliefs, root down, and rise through yoga, reiki energy healing, SOULution-focused coaching, and intuitive and spiritual guidance. She has a Bachelor’s in Psychology and a Master’s in Social Work. In her spare time, Iris enjoys writing, hiking, dancing, exploring, and spending time with friends and family.
