Written by: Elana Cohen, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
If a complete stranger who was fully new to the idea of sex therapy found out you were a sex therapist, how would you describe your job to them? A Sex Therapist is a fully licensed mental health provider (a counselor, psychologist, clinical social worker, or marriage and family therapist) who also has at least a year of post-graduate training in human sexuality, gender, and interpersonal relationships. A Certified Sex Therapist also has at least 18 months of additional supervision specifically focusing on sex therapy.
Sex therapy comes in a lot of different flavors. What flavor of sex therapy do you provide?
There are some significant philosophical differences amongst the various organizations that credential sexual health professionals. The biggest difference is between those who advocate for an addictions model approach to sexuality and those who don’t. I do not believe that the research supports the idea of sex or porn or love addiction and so that difference informs how I understand my clients and the concerns they bring to me. I strive to be a voice of affirmation, safety, and normalization – particularly for folks who have experienced stigma regarding their sexual or relational identities.
When you think back on your life, what brought you to choose sex therapy as a career?
I spent the first 10-15 years of my career working with survivors of domestic and sexual violence: sexual assault survivors, childhood abuse survivors, victims of human trafficking – people who have had their bodies, identities, desires, or relationships weaponized against them in some way, shape, or form. This was incredibly gratifying and incredibly difficult work. Eventually, I decided that I wanted to work on the happier side of human relationships – staying in the domain of sexual health. Today I work almost exclusively with people who experience stigma in regards to their sexuality, their gender or their relationships. Most of my clients are kinky people or ethically non-monogamous people. This lets me do the work I think I’m good at: advocating for my clients, their integrity, and their dignity. My goal (no matter who I am working with) is to help my clients to have happier, healthier relationships with their bodies, their partners, and themselves.
When you think about earning your training in sex therapy, what struggles did you encounter?
The easiest answer is that I almost died in the middle of my sex therapy training! That’s not an exaggeration my health deteriorated so rapidly that I had to be airlifted by the Coast Guard for emergency surgery. Even at that moment, I refused to let them put me on board until I’d grabbed a handful of journal articles and a pack of highlighters because I genuinely thought I’d be able to keep studying from my hospital bed. Needless to say, that didn’t end up happening… Although I did write a good part of my second book (a guide to BDSM/kink and mental health) during the year I spent recovering and waiting to resume my formal training.
Is there anything you wish would’ve known about becoming a sex therapist before you started?
I was surprised to discover the biases that providers have towards kinky, queer, trans, and polyamorous clients still exist within this specialty. These negative views were evident from the earliest days of my training and really hammered home for me how difficult it is out there for folks who need therapy and don’t have access to a trained sex therapist at all. Therapists are still human, and many of us bring our biases to work with us. I think I’d expected that anyone who self-selected into a more “progressive” field such as sex therapy to be more aware or affirming. It really just emphasized how important my role (such as I see it) is. I call myself a bridge builder between the margins and the mainstream. I want to help other clinicians understand their clients lives and experiences and relationships so that they can do good therapeutic work without causing additional harm. That’s really my mission,
What do you like about being a sex therapist? What brings you joy, pride, or excitement?
I love being able to help people experience a deeper sense of connection. Connection to their partners, sure. But more importantly, connection to themselves. I love helping people discover (or rediscover) their innate sense of worth, of deservingness, of desirability. When I see my clients shift from a place of shame or isolation and into a place where they genuinely believe that what they want is not only “allowed” but can be celebrated? That’s where I feel most proud of the work that I do.
If you had to give advice to someone who is looking to become a sex therapist for marginalized groups (people of color, LGBTQ folks, people with disabilities, etc.), what advice would you give?
You cannot speak for people. You have to stand with them, amplify their voices, center their experiences and step out of the role of “expert.” Even if we are a part of the communities that we’re hoping to serve, we must always remember that we only have our own experiences and perspectives to guide us and that means we’ll never be THE expert on a given topic or community. We are most effective when we stay humble and keep learning.
If you had to give advice to someone who is thinking about starting a program or starting the journey to become a sex therapist, what advice would you give?
Be really judicious about the programs you choose. There are some really wonderful Sex Therapy training programs out there. And there are (just like in any field) some less great options as well. Sexology is a wonderfully supportive community. Think about the books you’ve read, the talks you’ve attended, the experts you’ve heard about that have inspired you to pursue this field. Then? Reach out to them directly! Ask them for guidance, professional insights, insider perspectives on the various training programs that are available. I know I love having these conversations with future Sex Therapists and many of my colleagues do as well. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your heroes, or even just other local professionals doing good work in your community.
You have a big conference coming up in October. Can you tell us about it and where the inspiration came from?
I am so excited about this! I am fairly well known in the world of sexual health, and my partner is equally “noteworthy” in the field of cybersecurity. After the Dobbs ruling overturned Roe v. Wade last summer, we felt a sense of urgency to bring our worlds together and to offer privacy and safety information to as many people as possible as quickly as possible. We began reaching out to our friends and colleagues in the worlds of sexual health, information security, and advocacy and built Securing Sexuality – the first event of its kind to focus specifically on the intersection of intimacy and technology: how tech can build stronger relationships, and how technology can expose us to risk. We have amazing experts coming in to talk about everything from how to make sure your health apps aren’t tracking your reproductive capacity, combatting state surveillance of trans folks, safeguarding your sexting, how sex toys can be used as therapeutic tools, and much, much more. It’s bee a labor of love and we’ve prided ourselves on watching as new events impacting marginalized people around the country unfold, then immediately bringing in experts to speak to these issues and how to keep ourselves, our clients, and each other safe from risk online and off.
What do you have in store next?
My first book for couples, With Sprinkles On Top: Everything Vanilla People and Their Kinky Partners Need to Communicate, Explore, and Connect comes out October 10th – the week before the conference! Securing Sexuality is happening live in Detroit, October 19th & 20th, and then I’m collaborating with my partner on Securing Sexuality the book, which will come out in Fall 2024. I’m also expanding my private practice, and am currently taking on new clients and clinical supervisees. Folks can follow my work and connect with me directly here.
Elana Cohen, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Elana Cohen is a freelance writer based in Chicago. She covers cannabis topics from product reviews, thought leaders in the industry, brands, features on cannabis players in the market and her own experience with cannabis and mental health. Elana is on a mission to end the negative stigmas on cannabis, mental health & tattoos. All topics considered to be fighting the taboos and negative stigmas they have. Elana also covers entertainment, specifically electronic dance music concerts and festivals. I also cover FOOD and the hospitality industry. Send restaurant news and upcoming launches this way!
