Written by: Nurit Amichai, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow… But, if we are wise, we know that there’s always tomorrow. Lean on me… “
I think we can all pick up the tune and continue singing this great piece by Bill Withers. If you were around when this song first came out, you know every single word. And, if you weren’t, you probably know every single word, too. The truth in this song will be the foundation of what I am going to share with you now.
Life isn’t always easy, but I’m pretty sure there aren’t many of us who would say that we don’t want to live it. Even when it gets tough. We can all think back to a time when it was hard and we felt alone – we needed someone to lean on, but maybe there wasn’t anyone there for us; or our pride or shame got in the way of asking. Instead of reaching out and asking for what we needed, we pulled back and swallowed our pain only to have it fester and hurt us inside.
So many things come into play here. Our sense of self-worth, our expectation of ourselves, or our interpretation of what we believed others expected of us. From the outside, it looks like pride and arrogance, anger, and stubbornness. But more likely, it isn’t any of those things.
Some people find it quite easy to lean on another person, they understand their need and aren’t ashamed to reach out. Some take this to the extreme and become codependent, while there are others who can’t reach out or won’t.
Why Is There A Chasm Between The Two?
Those who are able to reach out for help or assistance when they need it to tend to have confidence that others are intrinsically good, and they’ll respond positively. Even if they’ve been turned down, their confidence in humanity seems unshaken. They’re not afraid of being rejected or rebuffed. They’re not ashamed. Somewhere along the line of life, they had things built into their mindset that assured them it was okay to ask for what they need. These are the people who, when they hear we’ve been struggling with something, say to us, “Why didn’t you call me?” They understand very well the adage, “Ask, and you shall receive.”
Perhaps they learned the hard way that it’s better to ask for what you need than to go without or suffer the consequences of not asking. Whatever the case, they learned that it’s okay to lean on someone sometimes.
What About Those Who Can’t Or Won’t Ask For Help?
Psychologically, people are hard-wired to want to do things for themselves, by themselves. Think of little kids who discover they are capable of doing something on their own for the first time. The sense of being in charge reinforces their desire to keep doing it for themselves. That follows through to adulthood when asking for help has the attendant feeling of surrendering control to another person. For some, that’s a very challenging position to be in.
Then there’s the fear of appearing incompetent or needy. This fear leads to a feeling of shame, and rather than suffering embarrassment or shame, they go on struggling with the issue.
The fear of rejection is also a big one for many people. Since rejection is probably one of the primary negatives in our society, asking for help and being rejected is something nobody wants to experience.
So, How Do I Go About Asking for Help?
Learning how to ask for help is a very important strategy, especially in these times when the pandemic has changed the way life is lived in almost every country on the planet.
Here are some ways to ease into the practice if you’re having a hard time asking for help.
First, recognize that most people are willing to lend a hand when asked.
Start off small. Asking a neighbor for the loan of a small item or to pick something up for you when they’re shopping is relatively easy. If you need help with a technical issue and you know your friend is good at technology, asking them to help you to get set up would likely make them feel good, and you’ll get the help you need.
One way to broach the subject is to bring it up conversationally rather than outright asking for help. It could look something like this: “I’m having a challenge with something, and I could really use some help. Can we meet and talk about it to see how we can work together?” This tact can feel more respectful all around.
Do you have a support team? During the pandemic, many people found themselves alone and feeling abandoned. One of the best things a person can do for themselves is to build a team of people around them whom they know will be there for them. These are the people who will call on you to make sure you’re alright, and you’ll call on them for the same reason. They become helpers in time of need.
Remember, people are usually willing to help and if they can’t help themselves, they often will know someone who can help.
While the pandemic took a huge toll in many ways, it also brought about societal changes that are wonderful. People are looking out for one another in ways they hadn’t done before.
In the workplace, being able to ask for and offer help has changed the way many companies function, and it’s for the better. Combined efforts and utilizing skills others have has gone a long way in improving the work environment, building teams, and solving problems. Communication lines are opened, and it’s not only acceptable but easy to ask for assistance.
Whether in the workplace, at home, school, or in interpersonal relationships, one of the greatest gifts we can give is a helping hand.
Nurit Amichai, Executive Contributor, Brainz Magazine
Nurit Amichai is a holistic therapist and life coach who provides individuals with an opportunity to strip away old, unproductive and damaging habits and create new, lasting behaviors that support the dynamic and powerful life they really want to live. As a result of a devastating illness, she set about rebuilding her body and life through nutrition and fitness. Realizing that wasn't enough, she entered the personal growth world where she allowed her truths to surface by giving herself permission to face and then release the pain and self-destructive behaviors she had harbored for so many years. This experience birthed the desire to share these lessons and gifts with others.
She has merged all of the disciplines learned over decades — nutrition, fitness, and mental and emotional health — into the true passion of her life: to help people heal and gain optimal health, giving her clients the benefit of many years of learning and experience, coaching them and giving them tools for finding fulfillment and unleashing their own personal power.
