Written by: Lisa Sonni, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Understanding the sneaky and covert tactics employed by abusers is crucial in recognizing and avoiding abusive relationships. Sometimes, the harm inflicted upon you can be so subtle that you don't even realize it until it's too late. By familiarizing yourself with these tactics, you empower yourself to protect your well-being. In this article, we'll explore five particularly sneaky and covert abuse tactics—mirroring, dog-whistling, ambient abuse, coercive control and emotional blackmail—that often go unnoticed. Are any of these happening to you?
What is a covert narcissist?
A covert narcissist is a person who exhibits the traits of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but does so in more subtle, passive, or hidden ways compared to the more overt, grandiose narcissist. While overt narcissists are typically characterized by their blatant self-importance, arrogance, and need for attention, covert narcissists are often more introverted, appearing shy, insecure, or even self-effacing. However, beneath this more modest exterior lies the same underlying traits of entitlement, grandiosity, and lack of empathy.
Covert narcissists can be harder to identify
They may portray themselves as sensitive or vulnerable, often seeking validation through passive-aggressive means or playing the victim to gain sympathy from others. Despite their quiet demeanor, they often harbor a sense of superiority and resentment toward others who they believe are not giving them the recognition or respect they deserve. This emotional manipulation allows them to maintain control over relationships without displaying the more flamboyant behaviors associated with overt narcissism.
Impact on relationships
In relationships, covert narcissists can be draining because they require constant emotional support while giving very little in return. Their lack of empathy makes it difficult for them to truly connect with others' feelings, and they may use guilt or manipulation to maintain control. Over time, this behavior can erode the self-esteem of those around them, creating a toxic dynamic where the needs and emotions of others are overshadowed by the covert narcissist's unspoken demands for admiration and validation.
5 abusive tactics covert narcissists use:
1. Mirroring sneaky tactics
When you first enter into a relationship with a narcissist, they often mirror your likes, dislikes, interests, hobbies, and attitudes. This mirroring creates a false sense of intimacy and connection, making it harder for you to break away. A sneaky way a narcissist might mirror you early in the relationship to exert control is by adopting your values and beliefs as their own. They will pretend to share your interests, opinions, and goals, creating an illusion of compatibility and shared identity. By mirroring your values, the narcissist gains your trust, making it easier for them to influence and manipulate you as the relationship progresses. This subtle mirroring tactic establishes a false sense of connection and makes it harder for you to recognize their true intentions and agenda. Ironically, once they've exploited what they want from you, their interest in mirroring fades and you start to see the real them.
2. Dog whistling
Think of dog whistling as a manipulative form of gaslighting. The narcissist says something seemingly innocent on the surface, but it carries a hidden message meant only for you. A covert narcissist will belittle your intelligence and education privately. Then, in a social gathering, the narcissist looks at you and says, "You know, Stacey has such an impressive degree and intelligence. It's really admirable." This sly remark not only diminishes your intelligence and education, but it also implies that you are somehow lacking in comparison to the other person, suggesting that you are not smart enough or accomplished enough. By delivering this comment in front of others, the narcissist is trying to undermine your confidence and belittle your achievements while appearing innocent to anyone who might question your reaction. Learn more tactics and terms of abuse in the book, “Narcissism Unmasked: A Survivor’s Handbook of the Common Narcissistic Abuse Tactics”.
3. Ambient abuse
Ambient abuse refers to a subtle and covert form of psychological abuse where the abuser utilizes non-verbal cues, body language, and other indirect means to create a hostile and oppressive atmosphere. Unlike overt abuse, which involves explicit acts of aggression or verbal attacks, ambient abuse operates through insidious methods that gradually erode your sense of self-worth and emotional well-being. It can include actions such as giving silent treatments, making sarcastic remarks, rolling eyes, sighing heavily, or using dismissive gestures, all of which subtly convey negativity and undermine your confidence and emotional stability.
4. Coercive control
Narcissists prefer to exert control behind the scenes, often in covert ways. They discourage you from making your own decisions, employing tactics that foster dependence. They might subtly influence your choices, offer unsolicited advice, or make you feel guilty for decisions that don't align with their needs. An insidious example of coercive control in intimate relationships is when a narcissistic partner gradually isolates their significant other from friends, family, and support networks.
Initially, they might express concerns about certain individuals, planting seeds of doubt and creating a rift. Over time, they manipulate the victim's perception, making them believe that these relationships are toxic or detrimental. As a result, you become increasingly dependent on the abuser for emotional support and validation, making it difficult for you to seek help or escape the abusive dynamic.
5. Emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail is another form of gaslighting where your partner manipulates your emotions to get what they want. They may threaten to leave if you don't comply or make you feel guilty for not meeting their expectations. The narcissist holds all the cards, disregarding your feelings and wielding them as a weapon to maintain control. For instance, they might say, "If you don't do what I want, I'll leave you, and you'll be all alone. No one else will ever love you like I do." By leveraging your fear of abandonment and desire for love and connection, the narcissist manipulates you into complying with their wishes, instilling a constant sense of anxiety and the belief that your worthiness of love is contingent upon meeting the narcissist's demands. By being patient and observant, you can recognize the sneaky tactics employed by narcissists and other abusers. These tactics aim to undermine your confidence and leave you feeling helpless and worthless. However, you can regain control by staying true to your own feelings and trusting your instincts. If something feels off or uncomfortable, it's time to take action.
Share your experiences and seek support
It's crucial to share your experiences with trusted individuals, despite any attempts by the narcissist to isolate or silence you. Remember that you are not crazy; it's vital to ground yourself in reality. Seeking the guidance of a skilled relationship coach can help you identify the signs of narcissistic abuse early on, potentially saving you from years of trauma and damage. Trusting your gut will always serve you in the long run, even when the narcissist tries to manipulate you into ignoring it.
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Lisa Sonni, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lisa Sonni is a survivor of domestic assault and narcissistic abuse, and her first hand experience led her to where she is today ‒ a certified Relationship Coach specializing in abuse education and trauma bond recovery. She helps clients from all walks of life overcome challenges stemming from traumatic partnerships. She is the author of the Trauma Bond Recovery Course, The Trauma Bond Recovery Journal, and Rebuilding After A Trauma Bond: A Self-Love Journal, as well as a popular content creator known as Stronger Than Before across all social media platforms.
