Written by: Daphney Poyser, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The older one gets, the harder it can be to simply find someone you deem worthy of dating–emphasis on finding someone. Regardless of the statistics on marriage rates, which attempt to tell us otherwise, the older we get, the more we seem to find ourselves further and further removed from singles. After fifty, it can seem as if everyone you know is either married or coupled, and you can’t help but wonder “Where do I fall in this new life?”
There are a wide variety of reasons as to why someone may have found themselves single at this age, all of which deserve their own acknowledgment and attention. However, now that we have found ourselves once again in unfamiliar territory it’s high time that we learned how to navigate singlehood (again). Before you can truly begin to embody your new singlehood, first you have to imagine yourself in spaces you never imagined you’d be. Take time to visualize what it would feel like for you to go on a first date; what would you wear, where would you go, how would you keep the conversation flowing? These kinds of thoughts help to not only calm some of your pre-date jitters, but also about what sort of dating experience you really want to have. As a coach, I typically help my clients to come up with a plan to simplify their expectations, prepare some pre-formed topics to talk about, places to go and what to wear. It can feel both anxiety-inducing and incredibly exciting to get back in the game, but the important part here is to take things slow and focus on having fun. The worst thing you can do is already picture yourself married to your date before you’ve even made it to the dinner table. Too many times people are so focused on the end state versus just finding out if they like the other person enough to continue getting to know them. My advice is to not get ahead of yourself, focus on being comfortable and authentic; more than likely, the other person has some of the same concerns. Try not to worry about the what ifs: what if I am late, what if I don’t seem funny, what if I forget what to say and can’t express myself properly. First impressions, while important, are not–contrary to popular belief–everything. I like to think of first dates as a performance; your job is to express your talents to the best of your ability, and hope that once you’re done, the other person has enjoyed your company.
However, regardless of how well the performance does or does not go, once you are done performing you can leave the stage, and come back to it another time, to a different group, on a different day and they will never be the wiser. So, on the off chance that the date doesn’t go exactly how you thought it would, my recommendation is to take the things that you enjoyed about the date and use those as metrics and measurements to try to ensure that the next performance (or date as some may call it) goes even better.
When it comes to beginning again with dating after a certain period of time, we need to allow ourselves–and our date(s)–enough grace to embark on this new found journey of dating again without fear of judgment.
No matter how long it’s been since your last date or how old you are when you come back to dating, the key, in my opinion, is to remember to just breathe and enjoy every moment as they come. To take them as lessons to improve on until you are no longer dating again, and realize that every performance will be different, yet, in their own little ways, rewarding.
If you’re interested in learning more about first-date best practices for people of any and every age, head over to our website to schedule a time with our coaching expert.
Daphney Poyser, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Daphney Poyser is the founder and CEO of Fern Connections, a LGBTQIA+ Matchmaking and Coaching company. After noticing a lack of diversity within the world of same-sex specific dating services, Poyser sought out to create her own company founded on the principles of greater gender, sexual, and romantic inclusivity. Fern Connections was started in 2020 and now has headquarters in Texas and Georgia; the company services individuals nationwide within the United States.
