Written by Dr Holly McGovern, Clinical Psychologist
Dr Holly has amassed an impressive track record in the field of child, adolescent and family psychology. She has worked in the UK and Australia in hospitals, crisis and protection services, and in universities. She is Principal Psychologist and Clinical Director of @Home Clinical Psychology.
I’m not a naturally funny person, or I didn’t think so until one wonderful night in June I became a parent. Now I don’t mean funny “ha, ha”. I mean funny in a sleep-deprived, slightly dazed, ‘That Peppa Pig show is hilarious’ for the fifth time today kind of funny. Up until that special day I actually considered myself a reasonably resilient, intelligent, capable person and so I naturally expected to embark on my journey into parenthood with the same level of meticulous, and hence successful, preparation, planning, and execution. Imagine my shock when only days into the journey my rose-tinted glasses rolled under a sofa somewhere, my carefully laid out schedules and routines were vehemently rejected by my new baby, and my standard attire became milk-stained pyjama’s. Almost overnight I went from being able to write a doctoral thesis to not being able to string a sentence together, and when I could, my brain could only retrieve baby-relevant information that bored my child-free friends and myself to tears. And let’s be honest, there were days I was simply a blubbering mess but that’s a little too much self-disclosure bordering on complete loss of credibility.
On one of those particularly challenging days, I remember having a lucid moment when I put on my big girl pants (literally, they were huge, eat your heart out Bridget Jones huge!) and asked myself “Holly, what is the sensible, responsible thing to do here?”. I contemplated this whilst snacking on some left-over titbits foraged from under the baby’s high chair, briefly wondering if adopting the baby out to a third cousin in the country would be frowned upon, before remembering the baby book that the hospital so helpfully sent home with me and my new crying, pooping, regurgitating ball of delight. Hoorah! With newfound hope I dug the book out of the bottom of my still not unpacked hospital bag and retrieved the instruction manual like I had just bought a new vacuum cleaner! I thirstily scanned the index page past weight charts, height charts, vaccinations dates, first aid and...that was it! What!?! Where was the bit about how to deal with the emotional and psychological growth of said ball of delight? Where was the chapter on rearing a healthy well-adjusted adult person out of said ball of malleable delight? Where was the bit about how to stay sane during the same ‘rhyme time’ songs at the library every day? There isn’t one...I’ve checked...multiple times.
Now, I know what you’re thinking and yes, I am a child psychology specialist with three degrees which is exactly why I am sharing my story and to reassure you that whilst children can make you feel completely isolated, insecure, and incompetent, you are not alone! In fact you are suffering from a very common syndrome known as parenthood that has a usually good prognosis with full recovery expected between 18 to 40 years. And if like me you have wondered countless times why you weren’t indoctrinated in child development rather than spending 6 weeks putting together a ‘birthing plan’ that you could literally use to mop up tears and snot (yours!) during the birth, then this series of articles is for you.
I think it is important for me to try and salvage some of my clinical dignity at this point and mention that I am a complete geek at heart and rigidly committed to evidence-based research and guidance. I’m not saying your best friend and hairdressers’ opinions are not valid, on the contrary, I’ve learnt as much from my clients over the years as I have from my university lecturers. However, as a clinician, I feel it is important for me to be clear that this series is firmly grounded in more than 50 years of theory and research that has been tried and tested by some very clever academics in universities and institutions around the world and reality tested in countless therapist offices including my own. What I hope to disseminate to the parenting table is, firstly, the key facts that all child development specialists know a child needs from its’ parents regardless of age, race, planet of birth, or religion.
And secondly, to share with you one of the most interesting and to some degree influential bits of research I came across as a psychology registrar. The research paper showed a sharp and significant decline in parenting confidence in the early 1930s, and the only significant thing that the authors could find that coincided with this quite marked drop was the publication of the first-ever parenting manual. In short the first manual that told parents how to parent completely and efficiently obliterated their confidence in multi-generational wisdom that had sufficiently served our species for hundreds of years. So whilst the next 8 articles aim to provide evidence-based and accessible child rearing ideas to add to your organic home-cooked meals, they also have the very important job of reminding all parents that, as implausible as it may seem right now, you already have all the skills you need to raise your little ball of delight. Humans’ are hardwired to procreate and to instinctively provide their offspring with the launching pad and tools they need to grow up and survive in an ever-changing world. I think what I would have liked to find in my baby book on that challenging day in June was some simple reminders of what my child actually needed from me, not because I didn’t instinctively know, and not because they are complex or hard to understand, but because somewhere in my sleep-deprived, half-starved, occasionally showered shadow of my former self I started doubting what my job as a parent was and whether I was capable of doing it!
Finally, whilst the thinking I would like to share with you is reasonably logical and hopefully accessible, and trusting yourself and your gut is in my opinion crucial, I’m acutely aware that each family is unique and that these ideas require some very thoughtful tailoring to your specific backgrounds, situations, and resources. Some families are also facing particularly challenging or acute problems so if you are feeling very overwhelmed I would encourage you to sit down in person with your local doctor or mental health specialist.
I look forward to going on this short journey with you and hope you find it as helpful as I did!
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Read more from Dr Holly McGovern
Dr Holly McGovern, Clinical Psychologist
Dr Holly’s dedication to her profession and her clients have earned her a noteworthy reputation in the industry. With more than 20 years’ experience in both the public and private sectors she has worked locally and abroad across a diverse range of paediatric mental health settings. This breadth of experience allows her to navigate the complex world of youth mental health in the context of multifaceted family challenges, environmental stressors, and inconsistent service provision. Her work with our most vulnerable and at-risk young people have left her with a simple mission in mind: To debunk family therapy by supporting every family member to focus on themselves and their innate strengths and responsibilities in their family.
