Written by: Jacinta Gallant, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
As a divorce lawyer, I set myself this task 5 years ago: How can I do more asking and less telling? I had observed that clients resisted my efforts to educate, advise or direct them when they were obviously upset, and I puzzled over how I could meet my professional responsibility to be a “zealous advocate” and be more of a guide on my client’s scary journey to a new and (usually) better life.
Telling wasn’t working. I became curious about that. I took some time out of the office and studied insight, which changed my life – professionally and personally. I began to watch how people responded when I asked – and when I told.
Should I ask or Should I Tell?
The tricky and fascinating aspect of human communication is that at least 80% of how we make meaning is non-verbal – tone and body language communicate far more than words. I would add to that the importance of context – the nature of our relationship and the various “worldviews” of the people engaged in dialogue (or debate!) Our worldview is our filter – and includes assumptions that we bring to every engagement. All of this goes together so we “make meaning” in any given moment.
The tricky and fascinating aspect of the question, Should I ask or should I tell? is that sometimes telling works and often it doesn’t. Sometimes asking is transformative, and other times it leads to defensiveness.
Telling – Upside/Downside
There are moments when someone can tell me something and it will lead me to ponder – to wonder – to gain insight into how I am showing up in this particular moment: Moments when being told “hits home”, opens my eyes and illuminates blind spots.
I might be initially upset – reacting to your telling, which might feel like yelling to me ‒ but depending on who you are and how I am feeling, I can shift from:
reacting to responding
considering
clarifying and
opening up.
Professional Tellers are at particular risk of overusing our excellent articulation skills as we take on the role of.
expert (the one with the answers),
warrior (the one who will fight), or
fixer (the one who will get it sorted).
But if we’re being honest, telling often leads to a defensive reaction – especially if the one being told is already upset about something.
Asking – Upside/Downside
We have all felt the joy of a question that led to a brilliant, illuminating insight! I love hearing someone say, “That’s a good question” and watching their heart and brain engage in wondering. When we ask with a true and demonstrated desire to understand, people tend to open up, which leads to self-discovery and nourishes the very human desire to know ourselves.
But I know I am not alone with experiences of asking that led to “What’s it to you?” or “Everything’s FINE!” or “Why are you even asking – it’s obvious you already know the answer!”
How Will I Know?
Tricky and fascinating – yes – but how can we know when to ask and when to tell? There are observable behaviours that give us clues. Let’s start with telling in its classic form: The Argument. What kinds of behaviours do you observe when people are arguing?
Interrupting
Talking over one another
Justifying
Repeating
Yelling
Shutting down – shutting out
Reassuring – yes when it includes the patronizing “pat on the head”.
We see a lot of telling; an agenda to change the other person’s mind; certainty that I am right; defensiveness and reactivity. We don’t see asking, a desire to understand, curiosity or openness.
What kinds of behaviours do you observe when people are asking – where the desire to listen and understand is present? We will usually see:
a pause before a response
a relaxing of the physical body
a sense of calm
a facial signal that says, “I am pondering”
the absence of the argumentative behaviours above.
But asking can also lead to defensiveness – to the same kind of argument behaviours ‒ even when the asker authentically wants to understand.
Noticing as a Skill
Noticing is a teachable skill I learned from my mentor, Dr. Cheryl Picard, Professor Emeritus and Founder of the Insight Approach to Conflict. In this highly effective approach, we learn to notice the behaviour ‒ interrupting, justifying, repeating, etc. and become curious about what might be feeling threatened that is leading to the behaviours. The defensive behaviour is the clue that tells us now is NOT the time for telling.
This is a challenge for many of us, because our default when we meet defensiveness is to fix, to tell – explain ‒ reassure. But our telling sends a message that we know what’s going on!
If I think I know what is going on for you – I won’t be curious.
And you will resist – resenting me for thinking I know.
If I use my noticing skill, I get a second chance. First I have to disrupt my certainty that I know what’s going on for you. This is humbling – but essential ‒ for professional problem-solvers.
I need to:
put aside my agenda
focus on the person in front of me
notice the defensive behaviour
be curious about it, and
drop all assumptions about what might be behind the behaviour
Maybe I start with a statement of intention. This seems very hard right now. I want to understand.
And then I might ask
What do you want me to know that I am not “getting”?
What are you most concerned about?
Something seems threatening, can you tell me about it?
And sometime this helps:
What do you wish I would ask you right now?
If your asking is experienced as a true desire to understand, you will notice listening and an openness to sharing ideas, to having a discussion about what matters. The positive effects of pure curiosity will bring calm and satisfaction that nourishes the human desire for self-discovery.
But If You Aren’t Curious You Won’t Ask
MY Links specific to this article:
The Authentic Professional Podcast: The Power of Noticing
Jacinta Gallant, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jacinta Gallant is a respected lawyer, mediator and educator, recognized internationally for her innovative approach to conflict resolution training. Jacinta’s resources for divorce professionals, Our Family in Two Homes, help clients prepare for effective dispute resolution. Her podcast, The Authentic Professional, focuses on how professionals can bring more of who they are to what they do and her latest book, Going Steady, helps engage couples in conversations that sustain and nourish their relationship. Grounded in her home on Prince Edward Island, Canada, and with a global vision, Jacinta Gallant is an innovator who inspires other professionals to be more authentic and effective in work and life.
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