Written by: Mindy Schrager, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
While some people have connections to their families that are positive, loving, and lasting, others experience situations where the connection is one they would rather forget.
Whether it be a parent who left or in some other way rejected us or a relative whose behavior is toxic, there are times we consciously decide to forget (exclude) a member of our family. Exclusion also occurs in other ways. For instance, when a relative dies young and is not spoken about, or someone is marginalized for some reason.
In the world of family/systemic constellations, we look at how patterns continue generation after generation. Until a pattern is acknowledged (included) and a different pathway is chosen, the unwelcome behavior can continue throughout generations. As a result, the negative role model/pattern persists.
Some examples I heard in recent conversations, observed with clients, and saw reflected in a video story highlighted the power of acknowledging (including) the hurtful pattern we would prefer to exclude and then creating a new pathway forward for ourselves and future generations.
Here are some options for acknowledging an ancestral pattern and choosing a different pathway forward
1. Make a commitment to what you will do (“do something differently”). When I first met with Jeff Klubeck, author of “The Integrity Game”, I was struck by his powerful commitment to being the best father he could possibly be. As we discussed his upbringing, he noted that he didn’t have a strong paternal role model. Yet he holds firmly to being the best father, in part to honor his mother, who encouraged him to take the first step on a different path.
2. Find the gift and carry it forward – A core aspect of Integrative (shadow) Coaching is the importance of finding the gift in even the most negative experiences. For example, hardship experienced by our ancestors can carry the gift of resilience, courage, finding a safe place, or creating a better life, among others. For challenging relationships, a helpful question is – “what is one positive quality you can take from that person and carry forward”?
3. Honor what was – All of us make choices based on the unique circumstances we experience. One of the most powerful family constellations I did highlighted this in what I call “the lessons of the great grandfathers.” Both of my great-grandfathers made decisions that, while different, showed a focus on ensuring the continuation of the family. It reminded me of the importance of honoring their choices and living my life to the fullest. While we may question the choices our ancestors made, we can work to understand and honor them.
4. Change your perception – Through constellation work, we can gain a better understanding of the experiences of our ancestors. This understanding can be powerful in changing your perception of a person. Here are some examples – 1. a parent who was distant, lost their parent at an early age, 2. a parent who seemed self-centered, struggled to get attention from their parents, 3. Some children who are adopted feel they were given away, while others feel they were chosen. When you change your perspective, how you see things changes.
5. Forgive and let go – I was watching one of Eric Johnson’s (KOMO News) videos about a man named Rob Kenney. While it’s noted that Rob’s father abandoned the family, the video highlights how he became a loving father. He then took it one step further, and he now shares the lessons he learned as a Dad on YouTube for others who might also be missing that relationship. He shared something powerful during the video, which I’ll paraphrase here. He encourages others not to live in the past, but to instead forgive and move on because there is freedom waiting on the other side.
Sometimes, we overlook or forget about the positive qualities we inherited from our ancestors, but there is a real importance in having their support in our lives. To help facilitate remembering these attributes, I have been sharing a process called Ancestral Connection that supports creating a daily practice to tap into the strength of your lineage.
As I recently heard on a TV show, "it always comes back to family.” There is much to be learned from looking at the patterns in our ancestry and learning how they support us or call on us to change.
Find out more about Ancestral Connection here. It provides a taste of systemic work, while looking at how we can bring our families into all aspects of our daily lives – consciously or not. More about systemic constellations can be found here.
© 2023, Systems of Change, LLC
Mindy Schrager, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Mindy Schrager is an ICF PCC credentialed coach, Systemic Facilitator, Aura-Soma practitioner and founder of Systems of Change, LLC. Mindy’s focus on and passion for transformational work is built on years of experience creating strong, well-balanced teams, combined with a powerful personal discovery journey. Her experience and training have been focused on creating positive change in life and business experiences working with individuals and groups. Mindy loves to shine a light on hidden patterns and the root cause of dysfunction and then help create new pathways to growth.
In case the hyperlinks don’t come through, here are the actual links
For the Robert Kenney video - https://www.facebook.com/watch/?ref=search&v=1173716853280208&external_log_id=bd5f3135-212e-4e4b-be1d-13c42b590693&q=eric%20johnson%20komo%20rob%20kenney
Link for Ancestral Connection - https://systemsofchange.com/ancestral-connection/
Link for Systemic Constellations - https://systemsofchange.com/family-constellations/
