Written by: Anka Grzywacz, Senior Level Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Becoming a mother is a wonderful moment in your life, but sex often suffers. Whether it’s painful intercourse or lack or desire, some couples stop being intimate for months, or even years. Learn how to go back to good sex after baby and enjoy lovemaking again.
Photo by Alex Green/Pexels
What You’ll Learn:
Most new moms don’t magically get back to great sex after baby.
Tiredness and painful intercourse are one of the common reasons for the lack of interest in lovemaking.
Relationship tensions may also contribute to intimate difficulties in couples.
To get your sex drive back, you need to take care of your physical and mental wellbeing first.
It’s such a paradox. Sex gets us into this world, one way or another. And yet, when the child arrives, what used to be fun can feel scary. You shouldn’t push yourself to go back to having sex after baby too soon. Learn how to make the transition easier and enjoy the intimate connection again.
Sexual Problems Are Common Among New Moms
Social media is full of picture perfect feeds of celebrities looking stunning and managing their home and baby effortlessly. But the harsh reality of early motherhood is different. And becoming a mother will have an impact on your sex life. Here are some examples I see in my sex coaching practice:
Tiredness
Before I had my own kid, I was not able to imagine the level of tiredness you reach in the first months after birth. You're exhausted from pregnancy and labor and instead of resting, you're on 24/7 duty.
Lack of sleep can cause real health problems and you can feel down or depressed. Your body enters a survival mode and switches off unnecessary things, such as your sex drive.
Photo by Letticia Massari/Pexels
Painful Sex After Childbirth
When I became a mom I lost my passion for watching horror movies. Maybe that's because I've experienced real life horrors myself ‒ nothing beats the fear of making that first poop after giving birth…or having that first intercourse.
Your sexual organs and your belly have been through a lot. More than 30 % of new moms experience dyspareunia (painful intercourse) at three months postpartum. And the first time making love after having a baby can be painful or uncomfortable. The hormonal changes can also mess with your lubrication so you feel dry as a desert.
Relationship Tensions
Let's not kid ourselves ‒ when the little one comes, the relationship changes. And the first months, years even, are challenging for the couple.
In a blink of an eye you go from being two lovebirds who had all the time in the world for romantic evenings to being a small family enterprise where every second counts. And the division of labor is rarely equal.
While some couples thrive on makeup sex after a fight, this style is not sustainable in the long run. Intimacy needs trust and goodwill to last.
Your Way Back to Good Sex After Baby
Does it all mean that hope is lost and you can't have good sex after baby? Absolutely not! With some motivation and the right approach you can build the spark back.
Note the word “build” here. Reclaiming your desire and joy of lovemaking is not an overnight job. Get ready for the long, steady run. Here's how to get going:
It Starts With You
Before you start making plans to build your own sex room next to the nursery, make sure you’re well taken care of first.
Do a medical checkup to see if you have a green light for intercourse. Ask for blood work to make sure you're not low on vitamins and minerals. Replenish your body with healthy food and supplements. Drink lots of water and get enough rest. If you're in good health, chances are higher that you're enjoying the return to sex.
Your mental condition is the second big key to success. If you've been feeling down and/or anxious for more than a few weeks, talk to a therapist to make sure you're not suffering from postpartum depression. By the way, if you have zero libidos, it could also be a sign that something is wrong.
Photo by Anna Tarazevich/Pexels
Mend Relationship Cracks Together
Young parents often grow distant and talk only about daily responsibilities or problems. And good sex is all about connection. It's hard to give with an open heart if you hold so much resentment towards your partner.
When you have a small child and are constantly tired and sleep deprived, your fights can quickly escalate. That's why the most effective option to bring harmony to your partnership is finding professional help. A couples’ counselor or therapist will help you resolve conflicts and learn how to improve communication.
Opening The New Chapter in Your Sexual History
When you're ready to awaken your intimacy again, remember one simple rule: expect the unexpected. It will be awkward at times and some disappointments are inevitable.
Keep an open mind and be ready to fall and get up again. Plan for intimate moments and make them a priority. Invest in childcare, skip your favorite TV series to just be with your lover. Touch each other, kiss, massage, see them again as not only the parent but also as someone you love and desire. When all else fails, just laugh about it. It will get better.
Let’s Talk. Mother To Mother
Most couples manage to bring the fun times back to the bedroom eventually. But what if you've been trying and it's still not working? What if sex lost all its appeal and you treat it like a household chore?
Let's talk. Woman to woman and mother to mother. As a sexologist and mom of a young child I understand the challenges of going back to intimacy after baby. My practical, tried and tested counseling program will guide you towards pleasure in bed. Book a free call today and I’ll explain how working with me can help you feel desired (and desired) again.
Anka Grzywacz, Senior Level Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist and Certified Sex Coach. In her online practice she specialized in helping women with low desire, orgasm problems, and intimacy after baby. In 2019 she presented her "Good Enough Sex" philosophy at TEDx Zurich. Back in her home country, Poland, she hosted a nationwide radio show on sexuality and relationships at TOK FM Radio. Anka started out as sex educator, working with teenagers, and a reproductive rights activist. Today, she is based in Zurich, Switzerland.
