Dr. Leslie Davis is a survivor of toxic relationships and a healing agent of broken hearts. As a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Relationship Expert near St. Louis, MO, Dr. D is on a mission to empower others to improve their relationships.
Have you ever settled in a relationship? Deep down, you probably knew early on that you weren't going to stay with that person long term. Plans to marry never evolved, but you chose to settle because you craved the experience of connection. Despite the toxic experiences, this relationship felt like it was close enough permanency that you seek such as marriage or having a life partner. If you don’t interrupt the cycle, you will continue to settle during moments of toxicity until the toxic relationship becomes permanent.
Why do we settle for temporary relationships when our heart and soul desires permanency and commitment?
Let’s take a look at a few reasons why we settle in toxic relationships.
You have an anxious attachment style and fear the experience of abandonment
If you struggle with an anxious attachment style, you probably move fast in relationships and choose your partners impulsively. It’s likely that you quickly connect with people because you feel their vibe. The longer you stay in the relationship, the harder the struggle becomes to let go when you recognize it’s not healthy, because you're afraid of abandonment. So you end up settling for someone out of fear of being alone.
You struggle with imposter syndrome
Do you struggle to trust your partner or yourself? Remaining in a relationship without trust can occur when you experience Imposter Syndrome. Imposter syndrome can arise in the relationship when you believe that your past mistakes get in the way of experiencing a healthy relationship, deepening the belief that no one is going to want you. If you have experienced emotional and verbal abuse, the abuse oftentimes speaks louder than your truth when choosing your partner. In effort to silence the imposter, you attach to the first person that says hello or the first person that gives you any attention that feels good, even though you know the connection might be temporary or toxic.
You are avoiding the experience of loneliness
The epidemic of loneliness in the United States demonstrates that loneliness leads to various negative outcomes such as depression and isolation. In efforts to avoid loneliness, we sometimes make poor decisions in choosing a romantic partner. Were you raised by a single parent? Did you witness your parent struggle to find a healthy partner? It might have been uncomfortable or even heartbreaking to see how they lived a life of pain as they settled in toxic relationships. Maybe you vowed to never to be like your parents, but you ended up settling with whoever chose you because it’s more comfortable living life with someone than to live life alone. What we also fail to realize at times is maybe our partner is not even choosing us for the right reasons. They're just settling too.
How does it feel to settle?
I want to challenge you to tap into your heart right now. Get out of your head and feel your emotions. Take a moment to imagine how it feels to settle.
Do you tell yourself, “this is all I can have” or “this is the best I'm going to get”? A few emotions that might arise when you are settling are:
Emptiness
Unfulfillment
Shame
Judgment
Embarrassment
Guilt
When we evaluate our choices, we might find that we are judging ourselves for all the mistakes we've made in previous relationships, so there's shame attached with settling.
If you’re honest with yourself, you might recognize a strong sense of guilt. You might feel guilty because you know you're making a poor choice. Your heart tells you that you're worth more, but you just won't do the right thing for yourself.
Have you ever kept a romantic relationship a secret? Was there shame and embarrassment attached to the decision you made in the partner you chose? It’s likely you experienced these emotions as a result of settling.
How can we avoid settling in relationships?
We don't always consider how to avoid settling until we are stuck in the toxic cycle. If you are considering starting a new relationship, or maybe you're trying to decide if the person you are currently dating is the right one for you, I want you to pay attention.
Ask yourself what you want in a relationship but keep in mind, there’s more to consider than just experiencing love. Consider the following questions as you navigate this time.
What do I want to experience in this relationship?
Does the person I am deciding to connect with create the space for me to have these experiences?
Am I able to be my authentic self in this relationship?
Have I crossed my own boundaries or have I ignored my values to maintain this relationship?
Settling is a choice, so stop getting in your way of experiencing real love.
At times we become our biggest obstacles to receiving the love that we want and deserve. Consider the fact that the person you are choosing to be in a relationship with is not forcing you to settle. I’ll be the first to never sugarcoat the truth about this and tell you, you're doing that to yourself. No one is going to make you settle.
If you are struggling to recognize if you’re settling, I’d love for you to try out my new Relationship Conversation Cards, The first year, with Dr. Leslie Davis. Visit here for more information.
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Dr. Leslie Davis, Clinical Counselor and Relationship Expert
Dr. Leslie Davis is a survivor of toxic relationships and a healing agent of broken hearts. As a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Relationship Expert near St. Louis, MO, Dr. D is on a mission to empower others to improve their relationships. Her experience as a Black single mom in America inspires her podcast, SHE Matters with Dr. Leslie Davis, available on Apple Podcast and Spotify. Her hope is to empower single moms around the world to develop healthy attachments, with a goal of reducing depression and suicidal thoughts. When she's not in counselor mode, Dr. D enjoys training the gentle art of jiu jitsu at 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu.
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