Yolan Bedasse started her corporate career 10+ years ago and understands first hand the struggles of navigating a stressful job and the pressures of every day life. She’s been the woman whose image of a “put together life” actually required a careful dance of being kept awake at 2am by her own thoughts and never asking for help.
Self-trust is one of those phrases you’ll no doubt come across on your self-love journey. But what does it mean? How do you know that you trust yourself? Some may say “That’s a silly question, of course, everyone inherently trusts themselves”. No, we don’t. Believe it or not, like most things worthwhile in this life we can’t simply rely on our feelings, we have to work at it.
What does self-trust look like?
At the time of writing this article, one of the top questions googled around “self-trust” was “What does self-trust feel like?” This tells me that we are looking for confirmation or guidance on trusting ourselves. But what if I told you…how you feel is not as important as intentional actions on your part. After all, feelings are fleeting. If we followed every feeling we had, we’d be going in circles like a dog chasing its tail. I’d rather focus on actions. Like anything worthwhile having in this life, we need to work at it and be mindful in our approach which includes recognizing the behaviors that prevent us from building self-trust.
5 reasons you’re not building self-trust and how to start
1. You don’t do what you said you’d do – Be accountable
Think about the people you run to when things get rough. There is a level of trust you have that they’ll come through for you because they keep their promises or when they can’t they are clear and communicative with you. We need to hold ourselves accountable to the same standard. I know that’s easier said than done. Keeping our promises to ourselves can be difficult especially when they require effort. But if there’s one person you should always show up for … it’s yourself. So start small. Show yourself you can be trusted with baby steps. Build this muscle one step at a time.
2. You prioritize other people’s needs above your own – Set boundaries and rest
Are you the one everyone else calls when they need help? Are you always willing and available? That’s awesome, good for them. However, not so great for you. Now please listen to me “You can be a kind individual and say no”. Here’s the gut check. If it’s harmful to your:
finances
energy levels (physically, emotionally, mentally)
self-esteem
time
Then please say no and prioritize yourself. In other words, if it’s going to make you spend money unexpectedly/unnecessarily/reluctantly, suck the energy and time that you need to devote to the things that are important to you, and is harmful to your mental health, then I need you to exit stage left, expeditiously —please and thanks.
Remember, you can be a good friend, family member, and work colleague while prioritizing your well-being. Anyone whose actions suggest otherwise doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
If the idea of setting boundaries makes you want to throw up, check out The Icky Side Of Setting Boundaries – 4 Ways To Honor The Fear & Do It Anyway.
3. You are your worst critic – Give yourself grace
You’re human. You’re going to mess up. It’s not a likelihood, it’s a fact. Sorry to break it to you. Need a minute to let that sink in? Take it.
Okay, once you’ve come to terms with that, you can now create a safe space for yourself to turn to when you mess up. I know that’s easier said than done. As a self-proclaimed hyper- independent over-thinker, once my brain gets going, game over. I end up on this hamster wheel going through every mistake I have ever made, convincing myself I can’t do anything right. So I get it. But one trick that works for me most of the time is to think of how I would talk to two- year-old me who just made a mistake. How would I communicate with her? What would I say? What tone would I use? Give yourself the grace you’d give to a younger version of yourself.
Another option is to give your thoughts another place to live. If journaling is your thing, I created a free journaling guide with prompts to slow that 100 mph mind so you can rest - 3 Steps To Quieting The Mind At 2AM.
4. You’re keeping yourself stuck – Grant yourself permission to change
Part of building trust with someone is giving them the freedom to be themselves and trusting that they have your best interest at heart. Do YOU have YOUR best interest at heart? When you limit yourself, you subconsciously tell yourself “I don’t trust you to know what’s best”.
Change is uncomfortable, there is no way around it. The change will often come with struggle, pain, and a healthy dose of discomfort. It’s up to us to trust our decisions and know we’ll get through it. Like beginnings and endings, birth and death, one guarantee in life is that things are always changing, and as such we need to change with it.
Making changes is not easy, it’s not meant to be. Sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know and it will require external help and support. Yes, family and friends can be great sounding boards but nothing beats the professionals. Need to work through some past stuff?
Therapy baby! Got big dreams or small goals but no clue how to get there or need support to keep yourself accountable? Coaching is a great place to start.
5. You don’t know your self – Spend time alone
I’m an only child, a homebody and I prefer a close-knit group of friends. So I can appreciate how this one may seem the easiest to me. But I can sympathize with the social butterflies out there. Either way, there is value in learning to love your own company. I’m not telling you to be a hermit and alienate yourself. However, if you’re constantly distracted, you can’t hear yourself think, and more importantly you’ll miss your inner voice because you never took the time to get to know it. If you don’t practice and train yourself to recognize that inner voice/God/universe/ intuition/gut (whatever you wish to classify it as) it’s going to be very difficult to listen when things get chaotic. So please set aside time to just sit and get to know you. Thank yourself later.
Start building your self-trust muscle today
Unfortunately, you can’t feel your way to self-trust. It requires a thoughtful intentional approach that includes being accountable, making yourself a priority, practicing grace, and becoming best friends with your intuition. So take the first step and start implementing these changes in your life today. No matter what stage of life you’re in, whether you’re new to your self-love journey or a seasoned pro. self-trust is something we all need to build and more importantly, maintain.
I would love to know how your self-trust journey is going. Come say hi on my Instagram. Also, if you’re a fellow hyper-independent over-thinker and you’re looking for additional support, book a free coaching call and come exhale with me.
Yolan Bedasse, Life Coach: Boundaries & Self Love
Yolan is a certified life coach and loves all things that exude cozy, homey vibes. She started her corporate career 10+ years ago and understands first hand the struggles of navigating a stressful job and the pressures of every day life. She’s been the woman whose image of a “put together life” actually required a careful dance of being kept awake at 2am by her own thoughts and never asking for help. In 2022, she became a certified life coach with the goal of helping women who also know this struggle. Her fellow hyper independent, over-thinkers who want to be self assured, get into a loving relationship with the word no and wear their imperfections proudly. All while finding little moments to exhale.
