Self Sabotaging Identities and Which One is Controlling You
- Brainz Magazine
- Feb 13
- 9 min read
Updated: Feb 14
Written by Carol Aravena, Metaphysical Practitioner
Carol Aravena is an intuitive energy healer & soulful coach with over 25 years of experience. She combines ancient wisdom with cutting-edge quantum therapies, to create synergy within body, mind, and spirit. Her passion is helping clients to release the past, recode the present & reclaim their future.
Do you often feel that life is a constant journey of one step forward and three steps back? Do you struggle to accomplish goals, experience healthy relationships, and make good life choices? Are you tired and confused by the habits and patterns that rule your life?
Welcome to the world of self-sabotage, where many reside and even more never leave. No, it’s not just you, you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. In this article, you will have the opportunity to identify your unconscious self-sabotaging identity so that you can begin the journey back to your true, authentic self. Together, we’ll explore the hidden parts of your mind that may be blocking your success and keeping you from the life you truly deserve.
What is self-sabotage?
When you behave in a way that undermines your choices, it’s called self-sabotage. People engage in self-sabotaging behaviors and thoughts for a variety of reasons. These behaviors often stem from unconscious thought patterns, beliefs, and low self-esteem.
Although self-sabotage may appear illogical, it often arises from past experiences and survival instincts. Many different thoughts and behaviors can hide beneath the surface as self-sabotage, often without us even realizing it. Some are as obvious as substance use or compulsive eating.
Other, more specific forms of self-sabotage include:
Disorganization at home or at work
Indecisiveness in relationships and life decisions
Perfectionism that prevents you from completing tasks
A tendency toward procrastination
Imposter syndrome
Engaging in “workaholic” behavior
Being overly self-critical rather than compassionate or self-accepting
You have the power to break free from self-sabotage and self-limiting behaviors by deeply exploring your thoughts and uncovering the unconscious programs that hold you back. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward overcoming them.
The more you seek to understand and feel compassion for your own self-sabotaging actions, the more successfully you support your Soul’s growth.
What causes self-sabotage?
Psychologists suggest that self-sabotaging behaviors often stem from limiting beliefs about one’s self-worth.
Maybe you fear success because, deep down, you feel unworthy of it. Or perhaps you’ve convinced yourself that you’ll never reach your goals, so you don’t even try, setting yourself up for failure. You might stay in familiar yet harmful situations because they feel safer than stepping into the unknown. These are all ways of holding onto control, but they also become a self-fulfilling prophecy, strengthening the belief that success is out of your reach.
Research into the unconscious forces shaping our behaviors shows that much of our mental life operates beneath the surface (cf. Weinberger & Stoycheva, 2019). What we often label as self-sabotage today may actually be driven by deep, unconscious goals and coping mechanisms that once protected us, perhaps even saved our lives or preserved our mental well-being in the past.
Your unconscious mind is wired to protect you, often choosing safety over growth. It clings to old patterns that once kept you safe, even if they now hold you back. Breaking free means recognizing these patterns and gently reminding yourself that you’re no longer trapped in the past.
In my 25+ years as an intuitive quantum healer and coach, I often see self-sabotaging behavior in clients arising from unresolved childhood experiences. They may have a deep-seated belief in their own unworthiness due to past experiences in childhood, such as trauma, family dysfunction, emotional neglect, or rejection. They simply don’t feel that they deserve good things to happen to them.
How do I identify my triggers for self-sabotaging behavior?
Negative thought patterns can creep in without you even realizing it, shaping your actions and feelings in the background. To break free, try to slow down and truly listen to your thoughts, shine a light on them with awareness, and you might start to see the patterns holding you back. Take note whenever you feel a distressing emotion, what were you thinking right before that? What need or fear might this behavior be supporting?
Baumeister and Scher 1988 categorize self-defeating behaviors into three types:
1. Primary self-destruction
Sometimes, guilt and anxiety drive people to act in ways that don’t make sense, even sabotaging their own success. It’s a painful, confusing cycle, deep down, the fear and guilt feel so overwhelming that failing on purpose seems like the only way to cope.
2. Trade-offs
Some actions bring temporary relief but cause lasting harm. Things like substance abuse or avoiding social situations may feel like a way to cope in the moment, but over time, they deepen the very struggles we’re trying to escape. Highly emotional or self-aware individuals often fall into these patterns, like a shy person avoiding interactions, only to feel even more isolated and uncertain.
3. Counterproductive strategies
Sometimes, we see ourselves or our circumstances through a distorted lens, underestimating our abilities or misreading reality. This can show up as perfectionism, procrastination, or learned helplessness, patterns that feel like protection but actually keep us stuck.
Recognizing that patterns which may at first glance appear self-sabotaging, in fact, have a purpose and function deeply rooted in early experiences. This helps us approach them with less judgment and more self-compassion. In turn, the next step in tackling them is to identify the needs that underlie them.
What function do my sabotaging behaviors serve?
Labeling a behavior as self-sabotage oversimplifies its deeper purpose, making it harder to truly understand. The unconscious patterns that hold you back today weren’t always obstacles, they once served a purpose, helping you navigate and survive. What may feel like sabotage is often an old survival instinct lingering long after it’s needed.
Search your belief system for trauma-related negative beliefs.
This isn’t just a step, it’s an ongoing process that unfolds alongside everything else. Take a closer look at the core beliefs you hold about yourself, others, and the world. Are they shaped by painful experiences rather than reality? Thoughts like “I don’t deserve this,” “Anything I achieve will be taken away,” or “No one really cares about me or what I accomplish” aren’t truths, they’re echoes of past wounds. Recognizing them is the first step toward healing.
When progress feels impossible, despite setting goals, doing the inner work, and taking all the right steps, there’s often a hidden, unconscious resistance at play. It’s not that you’re failing; it’s that a deeper part of you might be afraid of what change could mean.
The goal of the unconscious mind is to seek survival, to keep the body alive. Whatever the unconscious survives becomes the circumstances, conditions, and feelings it searches for again to ensure survival.
For example, if a child experiences toxic shame, the child may feel like they will lose belonging but doesn’t die or perish. Even though the toxic shame hurts, the child survives. This survival mechanism creates an unconscious belief: “In order to survive, I should find places to feel shamed and then not die from it.” So, this becomes an agenda. The brain looks for similar circumstances again because it knows it can survive them.
What does this mean for you?
It means that all your New Year’s resolutions, goal setting, planning, affirmations, visualizations, and law of attraction strategies will most likely fail. No matter what strategy you apply to become a better version of yourself, your unconscious programming and beliefs will always override your efforts. Not out of malice, or because you aren’t worthy, but because they are trying to protect you.
So, let’s have a closer look at some internal, hidden programs that may have been created from past experiences. Notice how they feel, and which ones resonate the most with you:
I am unworthy: I deny my own needs and only feel valid by helping others.
I am not good enough: I need to achieve external success to be “valid.”
I don’t belong/I’m not accepted: I must become accepted and never rejected. I am searching for love.
I am not safe/the world is not safe: I must retreat from risk to avoid harm and understand everything before I get hurt.
I am not able to handle negative emotion: I will avoid it at all costs, so I people-please to avoid conflict.
I/the world is not perfect: There is a way to be perfect; achieving this is more important than anything.
I don’t have permission: I need an authority (person, dogma, or religion) to tell me what to do.
I am powerless: I must have control and power to be successful and feel secure.
These beliefs shape your self-sabotaging identity, creating barriers to your success. From these unconscious “programs,” we can narrow down the most common sabotaging identities:
I’m not worthy: So focused on others, they cannot accept themselves or live for themselves.
I’m not good enough: Tries to fill life with so many achievements to feel “enough.”
I’m insignificant (not seen): Struggles to feel significant or doesn’t have goals.
I don’t belong: Afraid of judgment from others. Relationships are a high priority.
I’m not capable: Always pursuing things to create more capacity (e.g., not enough money, time, or skills).
I’m not perfect: Never risks failing. Feels constant pressure to avoid getting things wrong.
I’m unlovable: Unable to receive love, always over-giving to compensate.
What is the good news?
Neuroplasticity and epigenetics prove that we can change. The “Hebbian theory” or “Hebb’s rule” postulates that the simultaneous activation of nearby neurons leads to an increase in the strength of synaptic connections between them: “Neurons that fire together wire together.”
Neuroplasticity is proof of the brain’s incredible ability to adapt and grow, no matter what we’ve been through. Throughout life, our brains can rewire themselves, forming new neural connections that help us heal, learn, and evolve. This means we’re never truly stuck, our minds can adjust, overcome challenges, and create new pathways, even in the face of injury or hardship. Change is always possible.
Epigenetics, the science of how our environment influences our genes, reveals something incredible: our perception of the world directly shapes our biology. It’s like a second genetic code, constantly responding to our experiences. Studies show that even health issues can be traced back to early childhood, where stress and trauma can "flip switches" at a DNA level, reshaping the body and mind. But here’s the hopeful part, just as past experiences shaped us, we can consciously influence these mechanisms to support our healing and growth.
Since the brain can rewire itself, anything learned can also be unlearned or rewritten. We have the power to break old programs and replace them with new ones. Every time we focus on a new idea or goal, our brain fires in that direction, building fresh connections. It’s like charging our minds and installing the programs needed to create the life we truly want.
By becoming aware of the unconscious “programs” in place, you are better able to define the effects and control they have over your daily life. By focusing on new beliefs and behaviors, you can reprogram your unconscious mind. “Neurons that fire together wire together”, by repeatedly engaging in positive actions, you strengthen these pathways.
9 practical steps to overcome your self-sabotaging identity
Embrace accountability: Own every thought and action. This is a crucial turning point, until you truly believe that your life is yours alone to shape, you'll keep wasting time blaming others.
Discover your hidden needs: Delve into the reasons behind your self-sabotaging actions. What fear or pain are they trying to shield you from?
Examine the beliefs rooted in trauma: Challenge the painful thoughts like "I don't deserve this" or "No one cares about my achievements."
Embrace mindful awareness: Tune into the recurring patterns in your thoughts and actions. Let journaling or mindfulness illuminate your path to deeper understanding.
Reignite your focus: Set small, attainable goals to spark your confidence and ignite a sense of progress.
Show yourself kindness: Replace harsh self-judgment with gentle understanding and self-love.
Open your journal and reflect: How will you face challenges from now on? It might take time and deep thought, but this practice will guide you toward finding meaningful solutions.
Celebrate your progress: Recognize the positive changes and experiences that come with your growth. Give yourself the credit you deserve, you’re doing great!
Think outside your own box: Allow change, and let your thoughts evolve. Open up to the fresh possibilities around you. Dare to step beyond your comfort zone and reimagine what’s possible.
How do I ditch my self-sabotaging identity?
Seek help: If your attempts to make changes aren’t working, it might be helpful to seek professional guidance. It can be challenging to gain an objective perspective when you're too close to your own experiences.
Having support in uncovering these programs is instrumental in clearing the path for your chosen outcomes to manifest. By identifying the unconscious, self-sabotaging identity controlling your life, you can redefine your reality. You can become the master of your focus and the conscious creator of your life. By diving deep into your unconscious mind, you can reveal the hidden programs driving your behaviors, habits, and actions.
Aren’t you tired of sitting at the back of the bus, allowing that self-sabotaging identity to decide and control your destination? Are you ready to release your past, recode your present, and reset your future?
If you’re ready to ditch your self-sabotaging identity and regain control of the steering wheel, I’m here to help. I offer 1:1 and virtual/online consultations worldwide.
Book a clarity call to start your journey toward a more empowered, authentic YOU today!
Carol Aravena, Metaphysical Practitioner
Carol Aravena is an intuitive energy practitioner and soul whisperer. Growing up as an unaware and unsupported empath, she suffered energetic and emotional burnout, leading to chronic anxiety attacks. Her self-healing journey was the start of a lifelong interest in energy medicine & metaphysical science. She now lives a blissful and Soulful life, doing what she loves; supporting others to create their version of Heaven on Earth.
