Written by: Lara El Ghaoui, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Mistaking self-love for selfishness is common and I see it in the therapy room all the time. Many clients struggle to draw boundaries and choose to keep fulfilling other people’s expectations, often at their own expense, because they believe it’s wrong and selfish to put themselves first. Driven by the fear of disappointing others, we end up investing our finite inner resources in the wrong place. But does loving yourself mean being selfish?
Self-love versus selfishness
When I left the community in which I grew up, I experienced what it was like to be on my own. I became aware of what is meaningful and pointless to me. What brings me joy and what brings me down. I started prioritising reading a book over going out, cooking over dining out, meditating over socialising, and writing over talking. I naturally started drawing boundaries such as saying ‘No’ to social activities that didn’t fulfil me.
One day a friend told me: ‘You’re always doing what’s comfortable for you. This is selfish.’ Without a doubt, the word selfish hit me hard and I immediately felt guilty. I felt bad for saying no, but even more so, I felt that I was a bad person. At the time, I didn’t know anything about self-love.
Self-love is not selfishness. In his book ‘The Art of Loving’ psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm says: ‘Selfishness and self-love, far from being identical, are actually opposites. The selfish person does not love himself too much but too little; in fact he hates himself. He seems to care too much for himself, but actually he only makes an unsuccessful attempt to cover up and compensate for his failure to care for his real self.’
What is self-love then?
There isn’t a universal definition of self-love. Many studies have referred to self-love as narcissism and the ones that didn’t, proposed multiple and various ways to explain self-love. However, the following study – What Is Self-Love? Redefinition of a Controversial Construct – resonated with me. An interview with 13 psychotherapists, highlighted 3 categories of self-love:
Self-contact: an increased awareness of who we are including our strengths and limitations.
Self-acceptance: accepting all our parts, the ones we like and the ones we don’t.
Self-care: taking care of our physical and mental health.
What does a lack of self-love look like?
I can write a full article about this; however, I will give a few examples based on what I see in the therapy room. Negative perceptions towards yourself including your body, self-doubt, a deep sense of unworthiness, a sense that you don’t matter as a person, a sense that you’re not good enough, feeling unimportant, feeling underserving of happiness, a difficulty in receiving love and positive feedback from others, can all reflect a lack of self-love.
Why is self-love important?
The answer to this question is rather simple. There is a direct link between self-love and psychological health and well-being. In other words, self-love is associated with better mental health and reduced anxiety and depression.
How to nurture our self-love?
It’s almost impossible to answer this question because there isn’t a simple recipe for self-love. Self-love lies at the end of a long path of self-exploration, self-connection, and self-appreciation. For example, feeling unworthy is a core belief that affects the way we perceive ourselves. Often, such beliefs are rooted in the past and unpacking them requires time, patience, and a willingness to be vulnerable. So, a bubble bath with scented candles dotted around is unlikely to make you feel worthy. At best, it will make you feel relaxed and give your body and mind the calm and pamper they deserve.
Therapy is one effective way to nurture self-love by helping you to:
Explore your feelings of unworthiness: what are they and where do they come from?
Realise how the lack of self-love is impacting your life. For example, some clients realise that they’ve erased themselves by ignoring or dismissing their emotional needs.
Experience what it’s like to feel worthy despite your limitations.
Discover ways to practice self-love.
Self-care practices
While self-love is a journey and by no means an easy one, there are practical self-care tips we can all follow:
1. Learn to say no. Self-care is not just about what to do for yourself but also about what not to do. For example, drawing boundaries and saying no to an outing when you don’t have the energy is one way to care for yourself.
2. Celebrate yourself when you complete a task however small it may be. I purposely used the word ‘complete’ instead of ‘achieve’ or ‘accomplish’, which both typically imply large wins such as getting a promotion, publishing a book, or running a marathon. However, we often forget that these constructs are defined by society, and they are very subjective. Achievements don’t have to be big milestones. Sometimes, to some people, getting out of bed can feel like an achievement. I recently started adding practical tasks to my list of daily wins, rather than dismissing them as small or insignificant. For example, reading an article, listening to a podcast, scheduling a first session with a client, and speaking to a friend.
3. Look after your body and mind by returning to the basics. Incorporate in your routine the 5 foundational elements of health that Neuroscientist Dr Andrew Huberman talks about. They are all evidence-based and backed up by scientific research: 1) Exposure to sunlight; 2) Healthy diet; 3) Exercise; 4) Social connections; and 5) Sleep. Exercise doesn’t have to be an hour a day. Any regular movement however small it may be, like going for a short walk or taking the stairs instead of the lift, can improve your mood.
4. Practice self-compassion by following these 5 steps and activate the antidote for self-judgement.
5. Find your way to practice gratitude. Say it out loud or write it down, every day. Research shows that being grateful for the things we have can improve our self-esteem and as a result, our mental well-being. Although it’s difficult to notice the positives when we feel sad or anxious, we must remember that we are prone to negativity bias, where we naturally focus on the negative rather than the positive. Gratitude doesn’t ignore our difficult emotions; it just brings more balance to the big picture.
Lara El Ghaoui, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lara El Ghaoui worked for 14 years in the humanitarian sector helping people affected by disasters in Africa, Asia, and the Middle East. She always wanted to be a therapist but was never encouraged to follow her heart, given the stigma associated with mental health. She was a client herself twice and knows how transformational therapy can be. Lara kept longing for a path that aligned with her true self until she finally answered the calling she had buried for years and became a person-centred therapist. She now owns the private practice ‘Route To Self’ in North Wales and helps people reconnect with their authentic self. She offers online, in-person, and Walk & Talk sessions outdoors, to harness the healing power of nature.
