Written by: Alma Brock, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Imagine the following scenario: You wake up to your alarm on Monday morning. What happens next? Do you take a moment to pause and check in? Or do you move into your day? Maybe you check your messages, emails, and social media while still lying in bed. Perhaps there’s a reminder, saying it’s “gym day”. What happens if you wake up and you don’t feel like going to the gym? Do you go anyway or do you choose not to? How do you know if you feel like it or not? How does your body communicate this to you?
These questions might sound very simple/basic, yet I’ve noticed they don’t get asked a lot. There’s a tendency to engage in life from a place of “have to”, “shoulds” or “autopilot” rather than genuine want and/or conscious choice.
To be fair, our society promotes the hustle, the pushing through, the ignoring/avoiding of emotions. Some typical ways we as humans have learnt to do that are:
Overworking
Scrolling through social media
Rationalising situations
Using food as a tool to manage or control emotions
Gossiping
Using alcohol or other substances to avoid
Overexercising
All of which lead to an abandonment of self.
What is self-abandonment?
When I say self-abandonment, what I mean is engaging in behaviours that:
Don’t feel right for you
Don’t consider your needs/wants
Compromise your integrity, values, and/or sense of self
The more you engage in self-abandonment the more you start feeling resentful, detached, frustrated, uninspired, etc.
Other than our societal narrative of glorifying business rather than equally celebrating “just” being and slowing down, how do you get to this place of dishonouring yourself?
There are different factors. One of the big ones is that self-abandonment is often part of your survival response. In other words, dismissing your needs/wants has kept you safe (emotionally/physically/mentally/spiritually).
It started as an adaptive strategy to get you through whatever initial situation/circumstance you were facing.
The tricky bit is that adaptive strategies have an expiry date. Meaning that while they served you initially, they come at a cost that causes you further hurt.
So what does that mean for you now?
Great news is, you’re not stuck with it. That’s where self-honouring comes into play. It’s the antidote for self-abandonment.
Self-honouring involves learning the language of your body and how to respond to your internal world in a kind and compassionate way, taking responsibility for your emotions, thoughts, and behaviours, and prioritising yourself.
It’s a simple process, however, in all honesty, initially it can feel like being asked to build a house without knowing what a house looks like, with little to no tools and with no idea where to start.
Not to leave you hanging in the lurch, here are some possible ways to start the journey of
self-honouring.
Three practices that support you honour yourself
1. Sacred pause
Practice pausing throughout the day to check in with yourself. When you choose to pause, what can you notice within you?
Emotions (feel free to use the Wheel of Emotions to broaden your vocabulary to describe your emotional state (Plutchik, 2001))
Thoughts
Body sensations (where in your body do you feel sensations at this moment? Do those sensations have a colour, texture, temperature, sound, size, etc.)
Some useful ways to support yourself in remembering to practice sacred pauses are:
Set yourself reminders on your phone, or
Use every time you encounter a red traffic light as an invitation to pause and check-in
2. Boundaries
The journey of self-honouring requires you to set boundaries. Initially, it is about bringing awareness to the areas in your life in which you abandon yourself. Some common examples are:
Taking responsibility for others’ emotions/thoughts/behaviours
Skipping breaks when working
Dismissing your emotions
Minimising your challenges by comparing them to other people “who have it way worse”
Consistently prioritising others’ needs/wants
Lack of/poor boundaries
Saying yes, when you want to say no
How to start setting boundaries:
Create your list of ways you abandon yourself
Write down what is driving your behaviour (e.g. you might say yes to something because you’re afraid of being judged if you said no. The driving behaviour, in this case, is a fear of judgment)
Pick 1 boundary that you’d like to set (my encouragement is to start with the “easiest”)
Write down what this boundary will look like and what it requires of you to be able to set it
Take a moment to imagine setting the boundary and notice what comes up for you (emotions, thoughts, body sensations)
Take a breath into what you notice
Write down what it is you need to support yourself so you can be with the emotions, thoughts, and body sensations that came up when you imagined setting the boundary
Set the chosen boundary and use what you’ve identified in step 7 to support you
3. Somatic self-inquiry
Start with remembering a time when you feel you’ve abandoned yourself (choosing a situation that has an intensity of 6 out of 10).
As you remember the situation, what sensations can you notice in your body right now?
Place a hand on the area in your body where you feel the sensation
Take a few rounds of breath into the sensation you might be noticing
Write down the sensations you noticed
By doing this practice, it becomes a starting point for you to connect to your body, to pause and listen. After all, how can you know what you need/want if you don’t speak the language of your body?
Final considerations
When it comes to any kind of change some key aspects are useful to keep in mind:
Starting small. To set yourself up for success, start small. If you include small changes in your life and you’re able to stick to them, you’re letting yourself know that you’re reliable, trustworthy and capable, which positively impacts your behaviour.
Consistency & repetition. Designate time to consciously engage in self-honouring practices. Especially in the beginning, it’s helpful to have reminders that will support you to show up for yourself consistently.
Acknowledging achievements. At the end of the week, take a few minutes to acknowledge the ways you’ve shown up for yourself. Allow the acknowledgement to land in your body by staying present with whatever might arise as you recognise your achievements.
Practising self-compassion. There is ample research that suggests the importance and benefit of self-compassion (Neff, 2023). The reality is that you won’t get it “perfect” all the time (whatever perfect means). When you realise that you’ve abandoned yourself, can you meet yourself with kindness & compassion? You might place a hand on your heart and be with the emotions that surface from this realisation. If you like, you might reflect on how you might approach a similar situation differently next time and/or what might help you to do so.
Alma Brock, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Alma is an Integrative Somatic Therapist who supports people reconnect mind, body, and self. Holding the notion that it is possible for every person to live a fulfilling life, Alma uses Spinal Energetics, embodiment practices, and person-centred somatic therapy to help people find their way back home to them self and live a life they love.
References:
Neff, K. D. (2023). What is Self-Compassion? Retrieved from https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/ research-on-self-compassion
Hodder, D. (2018). Emotion & Feeling Wheel. Retrieved from https://www.davidhodder.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/Emotion-Feeling-Wheel-1-1.jp g
Plutchik, R. (2001). The Nature of Emotions: Human emotions have deep evolutionary roots, a fact that may explain their complexity and provide tools for clinical practice. American Scientist, 89(4), 344–350. http://www.jstor.org/stable/27857503
Photography:
Thomas Willis - W: https://www.thomasjournals.com/
