Written by: Eunice Cheung, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Just because you have different values and perceptions of life, doesn't mean you're wrong. If anything, be proud of it.
You are the equivalent of who you hang out with. You are what (information) you consume on a daily basis. What you pay attention to is what your mind focuses on.
So choose wisely. Because if you consume negative shit, that is what will frame your perception and state of mind. If you have been raised in an environment that shamed you for who you are, it’s only normal that you internalized your differences as shame.
But I’m here to tell you that you are wrong. Because your differences are what makes you fucking beautiful.
Real Life Example
A recent life example of mine is people all around me are settling down, getting engaged and married. The pressure is real, there is no denying it. I’ve never felt this kind of pressure before.
It feels as though I am running on a racetrack and I am left behind at 7th place.
So when I take a step back and ask myself, what is this about and why am I feeling this way (even though it has never bothered me before)? I am recognizing that the scarcity mindset has come to the surface of my conscious mind again.
The bells are ringing and the words of “You’re missing out on the game of life, you’re going to be alone forever. You’re a massive fuckup” are playing on repeat in my head.
Our minds really are the absolute worst sometimes. We are our own worst critics. Honestly, give me a break, brain. So…how do I get out of this?
The Danger of Feelings and Being Consumed by It
It FEELS like I am running out of time even though I have so much time left on earth and I have so much more to explore.
It FEELS like I am missing out, even though there is nothing wrong with my current life and the way I am living mine.
It FEELS like I am being left behind in a competition or race even though I am not in one and life isn’t one.
But just because I feel like this doesn’t mean it’s an accurate representation of my reality.
Remember to separate your FEELINGS from yourself because you are NOT your feelings. Only if you allow yourself to consumed by it.
Part of my life’s work is to remind myself and help my clients to remember to zoom out and step out of the emotional experience itself and view the emotion in a third person’s point of view to understand what it is trying to tell us.
Only then will you gain clarity of your mind and what is going on. You feel emotions for a reason. Don’t invalidate or dismiss your own feelings. Or it will only come back stronger.
A Daily Reminder for You
Just because everyone is doing something in a certain way doesn’t mean I am on the wrong path for not doing it. The people who have the bravery and willingness to question everything remind themselves of this daily. And it’s hard work.
Because the easy way out is to settle, to not question, to sleepwalk through life. The easier option is to take whatever quick fix step by step solution society tries to sell to us that will “solve” or “fix” our life. But it doesn’t exist.
As a society, we are so conditioned and pressured to follow the crowd that we often feel like we are either… not doing enough or we internalize it as something is wrong with us. I am here to tell you that…There is nothing.wrong.with.you.
And you need to live your life that aligns with you, for you and no one else. Because you only get one life and one chance on this earth.
What Loss Taught Me
Loss taught me that perhaps we are on different paths. We all want different things and neither of them are wrong. Sometimes we love the people in our lives but also recognize that we cannot be the ones to hold them back from what they want.
Because it doesn’t align with what you want. It’s a different form of love, to realize and recognize that and to let go. It’s a form of mature love. Part of what makes life great is that you never stop learning things about yourself. There is no mastery to self-awareness, only evolution, pivoting and continued growth.
Shamed For Being Passionate & Enthusiastic
Since I was a kid, I’ve known what I don’t want in my life so clearly. I’ve always had people call me lucky, naive or stupid for “knowing” what I want in life at a young age. The truth is it’s not luck. It stems from my passionate, enthusiastic self that when I like or love something, I go all in and immerse myself in it (sometimes even to my own detriment…hence, it is a double edge sword).
But the downside of that is if I don’t like something, I have trouble “pretending” to like it. Because it feels fake, forced and unnatural to me and my values. This quality is what makes me real and authentic, despite being shamed for it growing up. I was shamed for it for not being able to “hide” my emotional expressions of what I didn’t like (when I was really just being true to myself).
Of course, some faking is necessary to live and to fit in to society. But something about faking just doesn’t sit right with me at my core. And this is who I am and I own that fact. And I am not ashamed of it. Not anymore.
Everything Good Thing Stems from Something Bad
Knowing what I want and don’t want at a young age came from my childhood experiences, trauma from seeing an unhappy marriage play out. It was painful and have created many abandonment and attachment wounds for me as an adult.
But the gift in it all is that, it gave me the ability to doubt (for better or worse) and to question things for myself in life.
To recognize that trauma can also be a gift because it gave me perspective.
To learn to reframe and see it in a positive lens is something profoundly powerful.
To remember that your mistakes, challenges, fuckups do not define you.
To identify the learning lesson with every hard life experience.
The gift in it all is that… It gave me a lens to not just do what I am told and what is expected of me, what I “should” do like everyone else. To wrap up. Be unapologetically and fearlessly yourself. Own what it is that you want in life and what you don’t want. There are no right or wrong answers, it is not a competition. Only what makes sense for you at your core and what doesn’t.
See your differences (your values, your perspective, what you want in life) as a GIFT. Even if it seems like there is a “normal” way of being and you don’t feel like it’s for you, listen to that voice, that’s you fighting for yourself.
Don’t fall prey to the “normal” way of being and the “shoulds.”
Don’t become society’s bitch.
I want you to start seeing your doubts and your questioning as a gift.
Not as trauma.
Not as shame.
Not as guilt.
Not as baggage.
Not as a burden.
That’s it for this newsletter. Thank you for tuning in.
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Eunice Cheung, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Eunice Cheung is a Psychotherapist. Moving between cities growing up made it difficult for her to fit in with peers which made her question her identity. Since studying Psychology in International Baccalaureate (IB) and in university, she has built her online practice to help others question their limiting self-beliefs and understand the roots of how our conditioning through culture, upbringing can hold us back in life. One of her main focus is on Asian Culture, along with Fear of Failure, Perfectionism, Imposter Syndrome, Relationships & Identity. Eunice is a passionate and ambitious therapist, her mission is to inspire the next generation of Asians to excel, innovate and rise up to their full potential.
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