Written by: Dr. Gigi Arnaud, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I was always a good student. I followed the rules. Then, truth be told, it took me a while, a really long while (more than 5 decades) to ask the vital question, "What rules? Who makes them? Who says I have to follow them? And a big one, "Why can’t I make my own rules (while keeping morals intact)?"
When’s the last time you asked yourself this question? Or even let yourself get quiet enough to question yourself about your beliefs, behaviors, and thoughts (mostly subconscious)? Life moves on, it gets busy, and as adults, we’re, supposedly, grown-up and living our life, and still, we don’t often ask ourselves if what we’re thinking and doing is what we really think and want to do. But then, it happens. Middle age hits, and you start talking to yourself; asking yourself the important existential life questions, particularly if you feel stuck, empty, sad, depressed, joyless; in other words, feeling that you’re living the ‘wrong’ life, perhaps someone else’s idea of what your life ‘should’ be. I know about this because I did it, both personally and professionally.
It's important for us to figure out why so many of us, particularly the younger generations, are experiencing ever-increasing anxiety and depression. Could it be that they’re trying to follow rules that no longer apply? That the 1940s and 1950’s ideas of how we ‘should’ live no longer make sense? Even back then, many were unhappy and had to hide rather than step out of the box to live the lives they were really meant to live. We have learned that younger folks have many more options about how to live and, at the same time, more challenging economic and social realities. Who knows? Maybe it’s time to start loosening or even letting go of certain rules and ideas which no longer quite fit the world as we know it today.
In the last couple of generations, things have really been changing. Yahoo! When it comes to choices about career, how to work, where to live, childcare, personal partnerships (straight, gay, gender fluid, etc.), there are so many more possibilities now than there were when I was a kid (baby boomer generation). Having too many options can be confusing and dizzying, but it also opens the world up... and the traps in our minds, too. Perhaps there is a way to figure out what works for you and, at the same time, is helpful for the larger community and society. Without certain laws for the rights of all our citizens, there might be chaos. I am optimistic. I believe younger folks will get things moving towards more equality and social justice and, at the same time, will find the unique and particular life and lifestyle that fits them.
Rebirth:
An important, not so easy concept to accept immediately that you may have heard throughout your life; when one door closes, another opens (or you can climb through a window). It’s the same kind of thing when you’re changing your ‘rules’ for your life. To start a new life or just a new chapter of it, you must let the past one go. Your past ways of thinking, being, and doing fade away and die to make space for the new ways. In essence, if we’re learning and growing, our life becomes a series of deaths and rebirths. This can be something to look forward to, knowing that you can and will change towards your desires and dreams and move away from your lack of choice and possible trauma. You become like a Phoenix rising from the Ashes.
Here are some ways that you can make choices, change and live in a new, better, and healthier way for and with your unique wants, needs, and desires.
Choices:
Here are some of the newer options we have for our lives and lifestyles: (These weren’t all-around half a century ago when we baby boomers were kids or teenagers).
1. Married, single, divorced, with or without children.
In my day, there was no question, especially for a girl. You were meant to get married, have and raise kids, and perhaps work, mostly to help the ‘household’ with finances.
When my European grandmother said to me, ”You’ll never be a ‘balabooster’ (loosely translated as a housewife in Yiddish). “ I responded, “Meme (French for grandma), I don’t want to be a balabooster. I will have a career and will hire people to clean my house.” She gasped in shock and exasperation and said, “you’re fresh.” (as in ill-mannered). She knows that I hated having to help my mother clean the house and was resentful that my brother didn’t have to. (There were clear and delineated gender roles in my childhood). I don’t love cooking, though I’m not bad at it, thanks to my French mother, who taught me well.
In my generation and those before me, if you didn’t get married, there was something wrong with you (in their eyes). This same grandmother stressed the girl’s ‘looks,’ and since I wasn’t a great beauty, she began to focus on my brains but not to the point of having my own career. I was lucky enough to have a mother who insisted that I go to college, something that she didn’t have the opportunity to do. She was determined that I would have a career and make my own money.
Just a little note. At the end of my grandmother’s life, I was living abroad and came to visit her. She confessed to me that I was right. That she was proud that I was a Dr. (dentist) and that I would never have to depend on a man or anyone for money. She was married three times and told me that she had no choice; she needed the money. In her generation, many women didn’t necessarily associate marriage with love or love with sex. Different times!
Divorce was also a no-no. I think that I may have been one of the first (certainly women) in my family to divorce. Though I was quite unhappy in my marriage and my aching lower back, anger and resentment were telling me so, I was told that I had to try to make it work until I could take it no longer.
In our present-day culture, you can marry if you choose to, either with the same or a different sex; you can divorce without judgment (since it’s about half of us), and you can even choose to stay single and enjoy it.
As for whether or not you want to have children, I know that there are parents out there who are not meant to be parents and single parents who do a great job on their own. Some prefer the safety, security, and intimacy that can be created and developed with another human in a marriage or partnership. Others prefer different partners and to live independently. And for others, they prefer freedom and to be location-independent—all these choices.
In a way, it was easier and less confusing to have fewer options. On the other hand, when you have your own choices, you don’t have to be silent and suffer in a bad relationship, the wrong marriage or even, the wrong body.
Fun facts:
It seems that the notion of marriage has been around for a while, at least as far back as the ancient Romans. Earlier on, the main goal of marriage was to be an alliance between families, often for economic reasons. Many were, and some still are, arranged by families, and the people involved often didn’t or don’t have much to say.
The notion of romance didn’t even exist until medieval times when the troubadours (12th century) thought of courtly love in the same way we think of love now.
2. Work or stay at home.
This one really depends on your financial situation. In the USA, in the first half of the 20th century, most middle-class and wealthier white women stayed home. The man was the breadwinner, and the woman minded the house and kids. Of course, many bright and frustrated women were not so happy and started working to make extra money and keep their sanity. In many minority populations, women mostly had to work. To earn enough to support their families, there had to be two folks working.
Presently, even middle-class women have to work (two incomes needed) to live the same kind of life some of their mothers lived on just one income.
A lovely and newer choice is that some men choose to stay home with the kids or their partner earns more, and them staying home makes more sense.
Fun facts:
In the 18th and 19th centuries, some women worked; they were critical to their family’s economic well-being. They grew and made the products that families sold for a living. But as mechanization increased and moved outside the home, women’s role in the market economy receded.
From the late 19th century to the 1920s, it was mostly poor, uneducated single women who worked. From the 1930s to the 1950s, married women entered the workforce in significant numbers. The family’s income was inversely proportional to the woman working (money). From the late 1970s (when I went to dental school) up to the very early 21st century, the ‘quiet revolution’ began (Goldin). Women altered their career expectations and invested more in education. They also began postponing marriage and childrearing. The introduction and popularity of the birth control ‘pill’ (circa 1960s) really helped women see themselves differently. It is astounding to know that, in my lifetime, the work and roles of women have changed so much. I feel so lucky to have been born into this more modern era for women.
3. City/suburban/country mouse?
Since the 1950s, when the suburbs really expanded, Americans have decided to live in the city, the suburbs, or the countryside. There were several factors involved: finances (what you can afford), schools (if you have kids), and nature (if this is important for your well-being).
With the Covid pandemic, we’ve seen some changes in the choices people are making. Many are choosing to move out of cities for more space, safety, and silence.
Fun Facts:
William Levitt built the first Levittown, the archetype suburban community, in 1946, in Long Island, NY. I know this because I was raised in one of the towns next door. He purchased mass acreage and then ‘subdivided’ lots, and many homes at economies of scale were built to offer affordable suburban housing to veterans and their families. This began a massive migration. As the suburbs developed, auto and appliance sales rose dramatically. The rise of these suburbs transformed much of America’s countryside and rural space and turned agrarian communities into suburban landscapes. My area of Long Island had been potato farms and, way before that, land that belonged to Native Americans.
4. Local/National/International
When I was a kid, most folks stayed their entire lives in one town or one area (in the USA), excluding some immigrants, refugees, and some others.
Today, we have a choice; we can stay in the region we were born into or move to another part of this vast and beautiful country or even live abroad. I chose to do the latter for 5 years — an empowering, enlightening, and amazing experience!
The world is now more global, and some people have done a lot of traveling, whether in their career or for pleasure. Of course, this may also change a bit now that many of us are working with Zoom….
The world is big and yet, so small.
5. Work/Career: Employee, Employer, or Entrepreneur?
More fun facts:
I prioritize education, and my personal favorite is travel. I took my son everywhere we were able to go. Here are some reasons to travel abroad while you’re young, on your own or with others:
You’ll get out of your comfort zone
Traveling builds confidence.
You develop cultural sensitivity and consequently become more open-minded and understanding of different ways, attitudes, and lifestyles.
You have the chance to adapt to globalization (a necessity in our new post-Covid world)
Learn more languages. The more, the better. You can really understand others this way... and it’s fun!
So many opportunities to network: personally and professionally.
You will have lifetime memories!
When I was in South Africa and staying at the Karongwe Portfolio, in a small cabin-house that looked like it came from the film: Out of Africa, we received a note, each day, on our pillow.
This one says:
“The world is a book and those who do not travel, read only a page.”
I couldn’t agree more!
So, the question is, "Who wrote the rules and who and what says I have to listen to and follow them?" Of course, you need to go deep inside to ‘feel’ what feels true and right to you and for your life. You rule you. What do you want to ‘rule’ you? Look at the should haves, would haves, could haves, you keep repeating to yourself and see if they still make sense for YOU. Of course, you must consider your family, community, country, world, and planet. Without certain global ‘rules,’ we may experience some not-so-good occurrences. As you evolve, change and grow, your rules may also change. It’s really all about the questioning. You’ll always be evolving and transforming, and choices will be there for you to make and take.
Good or bad, easy or hard, we now get to decide which ‘rules’ we can live by and with; and which we can’t. If marriage is not for you, okay. If living abroad for a bit is not your thing, okay. If working for a while and then taking off appeals to you, go for it.
Whatever rules you decide for yourself and your life, make sure they bring you joy, let you get ‘in the flow’ and don’t hurt others; stay true to yourself and kind, caring, and compassionate, too (to yourself, to those you love, and to all others).
With smiles and love,
Dr. Gigi
PS: Join me @www.gigiarnaud.com, and SIGN up for your FREE Discovery Session!
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Dr. Gigi Arnaud, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Gigi Arnaud is an award-winning, NYC-based Mindset Coach, Hypnotherapist, and Speaker. For over thirty years, she worked as a dentist in her own private practice and, 17 years ago, also decided to become a certified life coach and hypnotherapist. For so many years, she had been that smiling person who looked sunny and successful on the outside yet was quietly suffering on the inside. Through her own discovery and years of training and treatment (i.e., coaching, therapy, and more), she did the work to change from the inside out and unlock the traps inside her mind. Now, she helps others do the same and change their negative and unhelpful thought patterns to those more aligned with who they authentically are, what they truly want, and how to get there (actions). She uses her unique ‘art and science’ background, intuition, and practical tools to help her clients hear their own unique voices so that they finally flourish in their personal and professional lives. Her mission is to transform your thinking to transform your life, become the real you, and thrive!
