Written by Catherine Gomersall, Artist Coach
Artist, scholar, and educator Dr Catherine Gomersall specializes in collapsing the divide between media participation and observation. Leveraging new media technology and creative communication strategies to create meaningful connections between ideas, institutions, and audiences, she is regarded as an innovator in digital communications strategy.
There’s a quiet heartbreak that doesn’t always come with drama or confrontation. It shows up in small moments, a lack of eye contact when you share your dreams, a change of subject when you speak about your goals, or the hollow echo that follows a big win with no one there to celebrate. It's the ache of realising that the people who know you best may not see who you’re becoming.
When your circle doesn't circle around you
There is perhaps no lonelier feeling than standing at the precipice of your dreams while those closest to you, family, friends, partners, stand back with crossed arms and furrowed brows. Their silence or outright disapproval can feel like weights attached to your ambitions, pulling you back toward safer shores when everything within you yearns to sail into uncharted waters.
I’m not here to convince others to believe in you. It's about something far more powerful: it’s about believing in yourself when the chorus of support you hoped for becomes a deafening silence, or worse, a symphony of doubt.
The roots of external validation
From our earliest moments, we learn to gauge our worth through the reflections in others' eyes. A parent's proud smile, a teacher's encouraging nod, a friend's enthusiastic support, these become the mirrors through which we see ourselves.
This natural dependence on external validation serves an evolutionary purpose in binding communities together, but it becomes problematic when we surrender our self-perception entirely to others' judgments of us.
When we place the power to validate our dreams in others' hands, we unknowingly hand over the keys to our confidence. And sometimes, even those who love us most can't hold that responsibility with the care it deserves.
Why even loving support networks fail us
Before we discuss building internal confidence, let's acknowledge a difficult truth: even those who love us deeply may not support our most authentic paths, and often for reasons that have nothing to do with us.
Their fear projected onto you: Parents who faced financial instability may panic at your decision to leave a secure job for entrepreneurship or to pursue a career in the arts, one of the most difficult of all professions.
Limited perspective: Friends who have never left your hometown may not understand your desire to move away or travel across the world to follow your dreams.
Their unresolved regrets: A family member who abandoned their creative pursuits for a more secure path might unconsciously resent your commitment to yours.
Genuine concern expressed poorly: Their worry about potential hardships ahead might emerge as criticism rather than care.
Comfort with who you've been: Your evolution threatens the comfortable dynamics they're accustomed to. You’re not a child anymore; you’re a fully fledged independent person with your own worldview, morals, beliefs, and interests.
Understanding these dynamics doesn't excuse hurtful behaviour, but it can help depersonalise their lack of support. Their resistance often says more about their relationship with uncertainty and change than it does about your capabilities or the validity of your dreams.
The birth of self-sustained confidence
True confidence isn't the absence of doubt. In fact, radical doubt is an essential component in the authentic creative journey. The type of confidence I am talking about is the courage to coexist with doubt while moving forward anyway. When external validation is scarce, we must learn to cultivate a resilient inner ecosystem that can thrive even in harsh conditions. Here are a few tips on how to cultivate confidence in the face of uncertainty and lack of support.
1. Document your journey and progress
Start keeping a "confidence journal" where you track not just achievements, but moments of perseverance. What obstacles did you navigate today? What small step did you take despite fear? What did you learn from a setback?
This creates a personal evidence bank that you can withdraw from during moments of doubt. Our memories are biased toward negative feedback; your journal serves as a factual counterbalance.
2. Develop a relationship with your future self
When current support is lacking, forge an alliance with your future self. Write letters to the person you're becoming through your efforts. What will they thank you for? What foundations are you laying for them now?
This practice cultivates patience by connecting today's discomfort with tomorrow's growth. It also creates a sense of accountability to someone who deeply matters, your evolving self.
3. Create a personal board of directors
While your immediate circle may not support your vision, seek mentorship through books, podcasts, or historical figures who faced similar resistance. Assemble a "personal board of directors" from these sources.
When making difficult decisions, ask yourself: "What would [mentor/author/historical figure] advise?" This provides the guidance you crave without requiring immediate external validation.
4. Ritualise self-trust
Confidence grows through consistent practice. Create daily rituals that strengthen your relationship with yourself:
Honour small commitments you make to yourself
Speak to yourself with the dignity you'd offer someone you respect
Celebrate private victories others might not understand
Give yourself permission to adjust course without abandoning the journey
Each time you honour these practices, you're voting for your trustworthiness in your own internal election.
5. Recognise the power in solitary pursuit
There is unique strength that develops when advancing without the cushion of constant approval. The muscles of resilience grow stronger when tested. The clarity that comes from making decisions based on internal guidance rather than external opinions becomes its own form of freedom.
Remember that many innovations, artistic breakthroughs, and personal transformations throughout history occurred precisely because someone continued despite lack of support, not in the absence of challenges.
When the voices get too loud
There will be days when self-doubt, amplified by others' skepticism, becomes overwhelming. On these days:
Return to your why: Connect with the core purpose driving your path. The deeper and more personal this purpose, the less dependent it is on others' approval.
Temporary distance: It's okay to create boundaries with those whose doubt feels contagious. This isn't permanent rejection, but strategic protection of your nascent confidence. If it needs to be permanent, then so be it. That’s your decision and your right.
Find your tribe elsewhere: Seek communities, even online ones, where your ambitions don't require constant explanation or defence.
Embrace the "both/and": You can both love someone and reject their assessment of your potential. These aren't mutually exclusive positions.
From surviving to thriving
The ultimate goal is to build such a robust internal foundation that your confidence becomes increasingly self-generating. When this happens, something remarkable occurs: your relationship with external validation transforms.
Encouragement becomes a welcome breeze in your sails rather than the engine powering your boat. Criticism becomes data to consider rather than verdicts on your worth. Success feels like an affirmation of what you already knew rather than proof you desperately needed.
And perhaps most ironically, this level of authentic self-confidence often attracts the very support that was initially withheld. People are naturally drawn to those who demonstrate unwavering belief in their path.
The bridge back to connection
As your confidence stabilizes, you may find yourself ready to rebuild bridges with those who doubted you. This really depends on what reconciliation means, to others and to the parts of yourself that craved their approval.
Approach these relationships with compassion for their limitations and boundaries that protect your hard-won confidence. Some will evolve alongside you; others may never fully understand your journey.
The most transformative realization may be that you can love people deeply while not requiring their validation to proceed with your authentic path. This dual capacity, to remain connected while not being defined by others' perceptions, represents emotional maturity at its finest.
Becoming your own constellation
In astronomy, stars don't need permission to shine. They don't require validation to burn brightly for billions of years. Their luminosity comes from within, a self-sustaining fusion of elements that creates light visible across vast distances.
When you learn to generate confidence from within, you become like those stars, a self-contained source of light. The path forward may still wind through darkness, but you bring your own illumination to each step.
And perhaps that's the most resilient magic of all: discovering that the belief you so desperately sought from others was always available from the one person who will accompany you through every moment of your journey, yourself.
Read more from Catherine Gomersall
Catherine Gomersall, Artist Coach
Dr Catherine Gomersall is a leading artist and trainer at the intersection of technology, visual culture, and human connection. Her art practice and scholarly work are rooted in her experience of personal trauma recovery through a commitment to creativity and mindfulness. Her multifaceted career spans teaching in art colleges and universities, presenting exhibitions globally, publishing scholarly and creative works, and founding her consultancy specializing in digital strategy and creative collaboration.
